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In my recent web-travels, I stumbled across Sandra Tsing Loh’s “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” article, complete with subheading ‘The author is ending her marriage, isn’t it about time that you did too?’
I am deeply disturbed, and I’m trying to put my finger on why. I’m not
usually a ‘I’m-going-to-write-a-letter-about-this!’ kind of person. I
do not generally have the emotional reaction to pieces of writing that
I do about this particular essay.
Loh is going through a divorce, which is obviously a painful and
difficult time for any couple. In courageous style, this is playing out
in her column in The Atlantic where she writes a desperately honest
account of the internal struggle she faces with this divorce. She is
also rationalizing her situation to her audience, spouting research and
facts and case studies that support the reason why she is divorcing and
why she should (and we all should) never have married in the first
place… and Sandra, I’m sorry, I just don’t buy it.
The article is at its essence a no-holds-barred assault on the
concept of lifelong marriage (and indeed lifelong relationships) –
calling it antiquated and obsolete in today’s society.
To give you some background, Loh has been married 20 years. She describes herself as “a 47-year old woman who’s commitment to monogamy, at the very end, came unglued.”
She has confessed to an affair and takes responsibility for that, but
not without shooting from the hip a barb of blame towards her husband
who though is “a good man” did in fact “travel 20 weeks a year for work”. During a counseling session following her confession, she came to the realization that she “did
not have the strength to work on falling in love again in my marriage.
In women’s-magazine parlance, I did not have the strength to “work on”
falling in love again in my marriage. And as Laura Kipnis railed in
Against Love, and as everyone knows, Good relationships take work.”
"Which is not to say I’m against work. Indeed, what also came out
that afternoon were the many tasks I—like so many other
working/co-parenting/married mothers—have been doing for so many years
and tearfully declared I would continue doing. I can pick up our girls
from school every day; I can feed them dinner and kiss their noses and
tell them stories; I can take them to their doctor and dentist
appointments; I can earn my half—sometimes more—of the money; I can pay
the bills; I can refinance the house at the best possible interest
rate; I can drive my husband to the airport; in his absence, I can sort
his mail; I can be home to let the plumber in on Thursday between nine
and three, and I can wait for the cable guy; I can make dinner
conversation with any family member; I can ask friendly questions about
anybody’s day; I can administer hugs as needed to children, adults,
dogs, cats; I can empty the litter box; I can stir wet food into dry.Which is to say I can work at a career and child care and joint
homeownership and even platonic male-female friendship. However, in
this cluttered forest of my 40s, what I cannot authentically reconjure
is the ancient dream of brides, even with the Oprah fluffery of weekly
“date nights,” when gauzy candlelight obscures the messy house, child
talk is nixed and silky lingerie donned, so the two of you can look
into each other’s eyes and feel that “spark” again. Do you see? Given
my staggering working mother’s to-do list, I cannot take on yet another
arduous home- and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our
romance.”
Who are you kidding, Sandra? Do you really, honestly believe that it
will be easier to do these things on your own? That it won’t be hard
enough just coping with your situation, living in your U-haul storage
unit and mourning the loss of a 20-year chapter on your life? That you
have the strength for that but you don’t have the strength to work on
rekindling your romance?
Please understand that I’m not opposing your divorce, you are
welcome to live your life as you choose, but it’s the reason I can’t
wrap my head around, Sandra. There has to be more to it than that. If
you had said you’re unable to wake up to your husband every day and
live with the guilt that comes from adultery? I understand that. If you
had said that you simply don’t see the point of going to the effort of
rekindling a romance with a man you no longer love? I understand that
too.
But to say that you love your husband and that, well, you would to
work it out… but really, you have better things to do with your time
(or you
