Destination Love...Finding Me

 Welcome to my brand new, shiny blog!  Sit down, have some tea, and hopefully enjoy my braindumping as I share  life and its adventures with you. 

For the longest time, I have been encouraged to write for others.  I have stopped and started the process so many times, I've lost count. But lately, life's crazy ride has made my need to empty this brain an almost daily occurrence.  So I decided to try my attempts at blogging my journal, and hopefully some of you will be inspired and not too bored with the results.

I am a mom of three who, after divorcing in 2003, returned to college  to obtain my Masters in Education, and my teaching degree.  After being a stay at home mom, it was one of the most difficult, yet incredibly rewarding experiences of my life, and I love where the road has taken me. Still, it was not without the rough seas that make life the ever changing trip it is.  Rough seas that included the scary learning curve of navigating life post divorce, a very sick kid, a disasterous post divorce relationship, financial nightmares, and finally and hardest of all,the loss of my mom. 

It's now  10 years later, and I have fallen into the greatest gift beyond my three children that  I have ever received...teaching in a school for students with autism.  This blog will share the joys and lessons learned from these wonderful kids...along with my own zany and wacky spawn, but first I'd like to share how I got here. 

Losing my mother in 2012 was one of the most devasting things to ever happen. I know everyone says that,  but its particularly difficult when your relationship with a parent is a tumultuous one, and ours was that and then some.  My mother had an uncanny way of making me feel that I was not good enough, and while she was living, I never understood that. Now that she is gone, I understand that she only wanted me to be the best I was capable of being. it was just her methods that left me questioning whether she believed in me, and for a long time I felt she hated me and that I would never amount to being good enough in her eyes.  Which had the result in me never feeling I was good enough, and therefore making pretty disasterous decisions as a result, particularly where relationships were concerned.

As parents, we don't get a handbook, and we carry with us our own demons as we figure out how to guide these small people we have created. Every parent makes mistakes, none of us are immune, and having this empathy and understanding is crucial to find peace when one loses a parent that you felt less than loved by all of the time.  I realize all of this now,  but it took going through hell to get to this understanding. 

I knew whenever the day came that I lost  my mom, it was going to be craptastically tough. I knew it long before we ever had a clue she was sick.  You would think with this knowledge,  I would have taken every opportunity to talk to her, to try to make sense of our connection. Instead, we went up and down like a see saw;  an up-down "I love you..I hate you" that wasted so much precious time.   And after she passed,  I did everything I could to lock away the grief. I threw myself into fixing other people's problems.  I hid online for hours at a time.  I avoided every single thing that caused my heart to contract, and I pushed that pain deep down inside.  I would pretend everything was okay by day, but at night I would be haunted by dreams of my mom, dreams where I would wake with tears pouring down my face.  Any grief counselor will tell you that this is the absolute worst thing you can do, and logically I knew this, but I did it anyway.  My partner tried his best to convince me to talk to someone, as he watched me disappearing more every day. I kept saying "I'm fine, but I will talk to someone, I promise."  Of course I didn't.  And of course, the day came when the suppressed grief bubbled up in an angry, frightening, and emotionally earth shattering way.  I will spare the details, but it was one of those days that people call their "dark night of the soul".  If you have had one of those dark nights, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

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