Did He Cheat?

I would be extremely upset if my husband did that. Because what he did was ask another woman on a date. 

A married man should not be laughing it up with another woman and spending money on her without his wife knowing and a woman who is fully aware that this man is married shouldnt entertain him UNLESS his wife approved. Period. The fact that you had to let him know that you dont do married men is enough - the thought crossed your mind. Would you have still went on this little date with him with his wife there? I think not. *rollling my eyes* Cheating is not always having sex, cheating happens first in the mind, it's the same as the actual act in my eyes. No difference whatsoever.

Was it cheating? Ask yourself this . . . Do you think he would have asked you for dinner and drinks if you were fat and ugly? Would you have gone with him if he were short, bald and fat? Hmmmm I think probably not. You seriously thought that his intentions were innocent??? Puuuuleeease!

BTW, another thing to consider . . . the money that he spent on your dinner and drinks belonged not only to him but to also to his wife and children. He had no right to be blowing that on you.

It does not sound like there was any intimacy involved at all. None even perceived by either party. If I were his wife, I would want to know about it and it could be lying by omission to not tell her but I do not think having drinks and dinner with a guy makes it cheating.

it doesn't really matter if his intention was to cheat. Whatever his intention was, he behaved in a way which did not honor his spouse. Oh, I know that sounds quaint and old-fashioned. Having been married for over 26 years now, I think we need to re-visit those old-fashioned ideas. He clearly gave you the impression that you could sleep with him (otherwise you wouldn't have felt compelled to make a disclaimer about YOUR intentions). If we behave in a way that even implies we might be available for a one-night stand, then we are not doing anything good for the marriage. I sincerely doubt that, had his wife been standing next to him, you would have been invited for a drink. He may have complimented your attire anyway, but would it have gone further? Really?

It isn't about being afraid, or not having trust. It's about treating your spouse with respect, even when they aren't in the room.

Trish in AZ

www.contemplatinghappiness.blogspot.com ( http://www.contemplatinghappiness.blogspot.com )

I meant,
mysecondlove/wordpress.com

"We're just friends." That's what my ex husband used to say about a woman with whom he worked. Five years later he told me, "I don't love you anymore." The 'friends' are now married.

I'm thinking most affairs start with simple flirting, conversation and nice dinners. Why wasn't this guy having a conversation and nice dinner with his wife?

Don't sell yourself short and be the third party in a marriage. The next time some guy tries to woo you with a cheesy pickup line, ask the marriage question first. Trust me, when the 'other' woman is the wife, there's no happy ending.

My blog touches on infidelity and finding a man to trust again. Ask yourself if you'd want to be this guy's wife.

http://mysecondlove.wordpress.com/

Oooh, Sarah. You sound pretty worked up. He wasn't your husband, was he? If so, maybe y'all need to have a conversation.

At any rate, it was innocent. Nothing happened that I didn't think would happen. I can actually meet a guy, enjoy his company, and move on...which is exactly what happened.

EleanoreW

www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com

Looks like we all have a slightly different definition in mind when we think of cheating. For me, it means sex, plain and simple. So "Did He Cheat?" no. Was he looking? I think so, but that's another question.

It was innocent. All you did was enjoy each others company for a short while. I would have done the same thing...by the way those boots are hot!

The Mad Housewife and Mad Merlot Mama blog at Desperately Seeking Coffee @ http://javainmyveins.blogspot.com/

I can see where it'd be innocent, but on the other hand had you exchanged contact info...I'd be of another mind. You see, I found out two weeks ago my "fiancé" was cheating. It started out similar, just meeting an old friend for drinks. BUT!

This guy said right up front, he was married and just looking to kill time. Hey, you got dinner and drinks and some interesting conversation out of it.

No, neither of you did anything wrong

Let's be honest...

You weren't interested in his lame pick up line until you turned around and found out that you liked the way he looked. He opened the door, the conditions were right for you and you walked through.

I agree with nettalyce. This guy has boundary issues and quite frankly, in this instance, so did you.

I'm a firm believer in couples giving maximum freedom and gradually forming boundaries as the relationship develops but I believe that once someone is married it's indecent to conduct your life away from your spouse as if you were still single and try to pick up other people. I also don't believe that you are an innocent bystander in this situation just because HE is the married guy and you are the innocent woman with restraint. You didn't demonstrate restraint once you saw he was attractive and you went out to dinner with him.

It seemed "pretty innocent" to you? Seriously? That's naive. Are you 15?

And this is not a "friend." Let's be clear about that. You were the potential "other woman" and nothing more. Believing anything else is naive.

I'm trying to figure out what married dad has "time to kill"... I wonder if his wife was at home watching the kids and wondering what was taking him so long at work...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
www.heather-cook.com
www.redwritinghood.ca
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Guys cheat for a lot of reasons and, statistically, once the more they cheat the more they do it again. It probably has nothing to do with you - it's his problem, thus, you have no control over whether he does it again so worrying over it is only going to hurt you and your relationship with him. I'd forgive him and let it go (which could mean having to do this every day). If he does it again, worry about it then.

Do be careful - if he does cheat - diseases are sooo prevalant and you have to now not only watch out for yourself but your twins as well. I'd keep your work skills up as well and get his name on the birth certificate - just in case.

It's a delicate balance of preparing for the worst but believing in the best. The only thing you have control over is yourself - how you react. I'd decide now how much you're willing to take so you know when that line's been crossed. Maybe it never will be.

One last thing - the only thing that can change your spouse is prayer. Pray for him and live like one who relies on God.

It's crazy to me that we've come to a point where women today are so defensive that a simple hello would you like to go to the coffee shop two blocks away is even thought to be cheating. Unless the man TRIED to make something happen, which he didnt, there's nothing wrong with this AT ALL. He actually told you he was married when he didnt have to! Can the assumptions of what his intentions would have been stop and people start accepting what actually happened as the reality of the situation??? Maybe thats asking too much...

Did he go home and tell his wife about the encounter - that he met an interesting person in line at the grocery store and had some time to kill so went out for a drink with her? Is that within the bounds of understanding in their marriage? Then it's fine.

Did he hide it from her and never mention it? Then I think he's a bit scummy and if he hasn't cheated, he's on the path of it.

I don't think you did anything wrong. And I don't think there is any way for anyone to 'know' whether he did from this little piece of info.

JustLinda

fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

I think that this is VERY subjective. So for your friend, it is clearly over the line, and I take it her husband knows this.

For your "new friend's" wife, hopefully she's OK with it and realizes that this is how he rolls & that he's quite a flirt.

I really don't think that there's any right or wrong here, because I think it depends on what the two marriage partners agree is fair game.

This can be a VERY sensitive subject for some people; others are more relaxed about it. The important thing, in my view, is that both partners show the utmost sensitivity and respect for each other's preferences. If one likes to flirt, it seems essential that the flirtatious partner get it across to the other partner how special s/he is when they're alone.

Lots of interesting responses. I'm enjoying reading the various takes on my story. Here's my deal: I'm real clear on my intentions (dinner with a funny and charming guy) so I have no problem whatsoever with what I did...or telling his wife if it came to that. I did nothing wrong. This kind of thing isn't really that unusual, though it happens to me more often when I'm traveling. Some married guys really are looking to make "mischief", but I think a lot of them just want a brief encounter that's slightly different from their wife and they're happy to leave it at that. It can certainly be a slippery slope...unless it's with me. I don't "do" married men.

Eleanore W
Visit me at www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com ( http://www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com )

if he keeps it a secret, then his intentions are questionable. if he shares with his spouse that he spontaneously had dinner with a stranger (and woman) then i don't think it's "cheating". as to how his spouse responds, that's another issue, one based on trust and their history.

a lot of the commenters here seem to have a Jump to Conclusions mat in their brains.

is this cheating? nope. not in the slightest. would i take issue with it if my own partner did it? no. and that isn't the poly side of me talking. this is an innocent encounter, nothing more. he didn't ask for contact information, she didn't offer it, and nothing "happened" DURING the encounter. this is no more dangerous than two strangers sharing space in a pub, having a drink, then parting ways.

Without knowing this guy or his wife personally, there's no way anyone can make a judgment about whether this qualifies as cheating. They might have a very open relationship, he could easily have gone home that night and told her all about it, she might even have been sorry she didn't get to meet you, too. The fact that he didn't ask for a number or even an email says a lot about his intentions (and more importantly, his lack thereof).

Would I like it if my husband had done this? Well no, probably not. But this wasn't my husband. It takes all kinds, and there are a lot of different people in this world with a lot of different kinds of relationships. You both had a nice dinner and a pleasant conversation. Win-Win, I say.

Bejewell

Wife, mom to the Bean, and all-around Bad Ass

He didn't cheat. If his wife has a problem with that sort of behavior, then he should not engage in it out of respect for her, but what he did wasn't cheating.

If I were the wife in this situation, I might be mad, depending on where my husband was. If he was at Whole Foods in our town, picking up some groceries and then went out to dinner with a woman he met there, I would be pissed. If he was at Whole Foods in another city while he was away on business and he had dinner with an interesting woman because he was "killing time," I wouldn't be bothered.

We will never know, will we?
I personally dont think there is anything wrong with having a cup of tea with a complete stranger you just met!
However, had they exchanged numbers - well, that's another story.
Did he go home and tell his wife about the lovely lady he met with the most diving boots... probably! Then he has nothing to hide..

On the other hand, what might seem as insignificant to them .... may not be to someone else who knows either one of them ....... and saw them together....

Life is simple - let's leave it at that!

I am hestitant to call it cheating but as nettalyce points out, this guy 'picked you up' and that although I agree with most others who state that likely he only agreed with you about not being 'done' to save face and hope that his charm would change your mind, even if that were not the case it seems he still got the thrill of the chase. the ego boost of knowing he still 'has it.' and the giddy feeling of a new connection that can so easily turn into more. For me it's very hard to deal with my husband having female friends at all because i've seen how easily it can change into something more without any one 'intending' it to. but if i knew he picked up a girl and had dinner, i'd be devasted.
I think as a general rule, any situation where you feel the need to clarify your intentions, the line is already being crossed!!!

My measuring stick? Would he have "killed time" with another guy he met in line at the supermarket? If not, then it's not OK. My husband has gone out to lunch alone with female co-workers and I trust him. He would go out with a male co-worker alone, and so there's not reason why he can't be friends with a woman, too. Trust or no, I would be furious with him if he went out to dinner with a woman he met in line. He asked you because he was attracted to you (and you responded in kind). That's not innocent, even if it's not quite cheating.

Christy@morethanmommy
Quirky Fusion ( http://quirkyfusion.com )
( http://twitter.com/morethanmommy )

It's hard to figure out whether it was cheating or not, but I think it was absolutely inappropriate.

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex, and we see them often, sometimes alone.

The key here is communication. I don't mind if my husband grabs a bite at lunch with one of the other nurses he works with because he drops me a text and tells me what he's doing and with whom.

It would be a very different thing if he complimented a stranger's legs and invited her for dinner and drinks, all without telling me.

I think the man here has betrayed his wife's trust.

I'd say it's the perfect storm - one small extra step and infidelity is at your doorstep. it was inappropriate and would most certainly be considered so in the structure of my marriage.

His approach screamed "come-on" and my interpretation is that this scenario fed both of your egos.

Here's a question: How would you explain this entire story to his wife in the less than thirty seconds any woman would give you had she been following him and watching you two at dinner?

It was inappropriate. I find it hard to believe that he would behave the same way if his wife was present. If he wouldn't do it while in her presence he shouldn't do it. If you decide to get married and engage in the same activity, just know that that many men would take that action as road to an open relationship. It's time and money he should have been spending with his family.

I hope his wife nagged him about the melted ice cream.

Marie Sanders

Trying to find myself before age 30... mariesandersonline.com ( http://www.mariesandersonline.com )

The only one who could really say if he was cheating would be his wife.

I will say that every affair begins with just such an "innocent" encounter and every cheater tries to claim "it just happened" as if the encounters leading up to "it" weren't relevant to the situation.

I know of a woman who has dated married men almost exclusively over the last 6 or 7 years, who always starts out the trysts by telling him and herself that she just wants to be friends. She recently ended her 4th affair, that "just happened".

So even if you know full well what your intentions or boundaries are, you can never really know what the other persons intentions or delusions may be.

My guess is that if his wife's determination was that he was cheating, she would rule that you were as well.

A 50 something Nana who loves politics, history, traveling with my darlingman, home improvement and crafting projects of all kinds. Blogging about paper crafts at The StampinBuzz ( http://stampinbuzz.com )

Yeah. I was working at an office in 2008 and started chatting it up with one of the delivery guys. I don't remember who approached whom first but we both worked in the same department.

After a while, he gave me his number and said if I needed to talk to anyone or if I wanted to get some coffee sometime, to give him a call. I never called but we eventually went for coffee one night.

Yes, one thing lead to another and I was "the other woman". I wasn't proud of it and stopped it extremely fast.

I would suggest that if you do this again with anyone, to make your intentions clear. Talk more about his family, especially his wife and kids if possible. There's a fine line between two friends going out to dinner and a dinner date.

I don't think it could be considered cheating however, opening the door for more to happen?, yes. I personally think he was flirting and possibly looking for more beyond dinner. This scenario is exactly how "one thing led to another" happens. And then most times before you know it, your in a full on affair. He made it clear in the store that he was married. And if it were me, we would have gone our separate ways on the way out... It's not like he was a male friend or a coworker. He was a stranger, and a married one at that. To me, it's asking for trouble.

well, you were not wrong because you felt comfortable with him and you enjoyed your time with that guy, but if you felt that click is better to stay apart form him in case of another kind of “date“ and yes, i think he was looking for a girl maybe his wife isn‘† that interesting for him anymore so he‘s trying new girls.

i would have said that it was not cheating, but changing your plans to go "out" with a stranger has intention of some sort written all over it. sounds like you played your cards just fine... it was the (ahem) gentleman that may have had some other things in mind and then did not want to look like a jerk by admitting he was trying to pick you up.

If my husband did that to me, I would be really upset, but that wouldn't be cheating. Why is he choosing a stranger over me?
Then other the other hand, maybe he was staying out of the house to avoid a Mary Kay party or something.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee- Muhammed Ali

I wanted to come back to say that I know married people in my real life who wouldn't think anything at all of this encounter. Many loving, trusting marriages include random friends, coffees, cocktails, or other meetups and it's not a big deal. It depends on the couple.

Blondie writes at Tales From Clark Street ( http://www.talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/ ).

and I talk to strangers in the grocery line all the time. But I don't go out to dinner with them.

between my husband and I. He said, absolutely it was cheating. The guy picked you up and would have gone farther if you had allowed it. He also questioned why you were willing to have dinner with a married man who introduced himself with a pick-up line.

I said that no, it wasn't cheating but that I did feel it was inappropriate (and strange). Marriage doesn't mean you can't have dinner with single people. But it does mean you don't hit on strangers and he was absolutely hitting on you.

It seems more like one of those random serendipitous moments of spontaneity that seem to happen in New York City but doesn't happen in the rest of the US because most people are too frightened to talk to each other in the grocery store line.

I've had discussions with my significant other about what's appropriate vs. inappropriate. He agrees that if either of us put ourselves in a situation where we can cheat, then it's just as bad as actually doing it. It may start out as just dinner with a stranger, but what if you were open to having sex with him...then what? He sounds like a charmer and because you told him upfront you don't 'do' married men, then he went along with you so he didn't look like a jerk.

Imagine how it would feel knowing your significant other picked up on a stranger and had dinner with them behind your back. Now I wonder if this guy even told his wife about it. If he hid it from her, why? Not telling your wife/husband is just as bad as lying.

I don't consider that cheating. Many couples are so insecure that they don't trust themselves and each other to go out and have fun without them. I've seen couples where one or both partners will get mad at each other if one goes out and has fun without them. Each party should still feel some sense of themselves and be allowed to grow without the other, as long as that love is reciprocated and brought back home.

Nettalyce.  You can read more about me at nettalyce.blogspot.com.

So bascially a married man picks you up at Whole Foods, takes you out on a date, and kisses you goodnight and you are seriously wondering if this constitutes cheating. Yes, if you consider foreplay cheating..... because that is basically what this little encounter is. Married people do give up certain priveleges when they marry. One of them is the thrill of picking up strangers. This guy has some serious boundary issues. Even if he has not actually had sex with another woman, He is playing with fire by interacting with other women in this fashion. I also question your hardfast rule given the fact that you didn't cut him off at the knees when you realized he was married with children. Let's not be naive, this behavior was irresponsible on his part and yours. I wonder what his wife and children were doing while he was having such a nice evening with you.

Since I lived in Chicago, I know how easy it is to run into an interesting person and if there is some free time involved to stop and have a cocktail. I'm not married, and I often get the YOU ARE EVIL response if I even smile at a married man. You made your intentions clear, so I think you are fine. Who knows what his feelings were about the situation? We can't presume to know his intentions. Basically, I don't think YOU did anything wrong, but I'm not sure about him. I wouldn't say he "cheated," but I would say that unless he is a super sociable guy all the time with everyone and his wife knows that, his actions were "questionable." Know what I mean?

Blondie writes at Tales From Clark Street ( http://www.talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/ ).

I think that it would be cheating. Regardless to the fact that it was harmless innocent fun he was married and it wasn't right. sorry its just my opinion.

I don't think it was cheating since you both were uber clear on the NO FUNNY BUSINESS rule.

And unless he pursued you more, exchanged numbers and set up another "date" i think it was just really what it was. Just passing some time and having good conversation.