Did you know addiction is a disease? My story and My disease.
Some of us have known an addict. Some of us have experienced addiction first hand. I am only one of the twenty three million Americans who are addicted to drugs. Only 1 in every 10 of these people receive treatment. I am one of the lucky ones.
Before treatment though, I was just like every other addict. I thought that I was in control of my life. I didnt think I was doing anything wrong at first. Until my addiction became so uncontrollable that I almost lost everything including my life.
It all started when I was still just a child. I drank a little and smoked a little weed. No big deal right? Wrong. I come from a long line of addicts, alcoholics, and emotional illness. I wasnt aware of that though. I was just a kid having fun. Finding ways to fill the void of not having either parents around. Not because they were dead or anything just because they were busy dealing with their own problems. I was raised by my grandparents who never had any problems that i knew of. Not that it would have made a difference even if I had known.
I was rebelious and I wanted to break every rule. I was spoiled, ungrateful and I never had any consequences. What more could a 14 yr old ask for. I thought I knew everything. I wanted the world and didnt want to work for any of it. So I took advantage of my unknowing grandparents. Naive and from a different era they had no idea what to do with me. So they didnt do anything. I walked through my teenage years being a complete and inconsiderate degenerate.
I dropped out of high school and became pregnant soon after. I was living the American dream. Not. I had my daughter with someone 7 years older then me. He was married and had another child already. Our relationship lasted an entire two years. During those years I became someone even worse just with better intentions. I left my child with my grandparents. They say history repeats and let me tell you it does. I was walking in my moms foot steps.
During all this time I smoked weed like it was going out of style. That turned into acid and ecstasy. And one day in an acid daze I came up with this brilliant idea of traveling the country and selling paraphernalia at live music shows. I thought that was going to be it. I finaly found my place. So i traveled all over the country at 18. Hitch hiking back and forth to california sleeping on the streets and in parks til I finally came home and got arrested for selling weed in my home town.
I was sentenced to 3 years probation and 12 months in our Drug Court Program. Before drug court I was an addict but I was one of those addicts that said I dont snort or shoot pills so im not really an addict.You know weed isnt a drug... Isnt that a joke. But i told myself that enough to believe it. My mother was a heroin addict and for a long time I hated pills and everyone who did them. That part of addiction I never understood. I couldnt comprehend how you could choose drugs over your family and everyone else. I was soon to find out.
I started the Drug Court program two weeks after having my second daughter. I quit smoking weed but every once in awhile Id sneek a bottle of wine or so. I denied being an addict for a few months. Then one day I decided to hang out with some people from drug court. Which is forbidden. They all did pills because you could pass a drug test if you used over the weekend. Eventually I was right with those people doing pills on the weekend and then on every day I had off til finally 10 months in I got caught. I cleaned up for a while long enough to graduate the program. I stayed off of pills for a little while after that. Then one day I gave in to my cravings. I couldnt find any prescription pills and i found heroin. I tried it. I didnt use for a few weeks after that.
Then one day i decided to quit my job, leave my kids with my family and run off with an addict i met at a meeting. It was probably the worst mistake of my life. I spent 6 days with him. On one of those days we smoked crack. My P.O. called I had to go take a drug test. I barely passed. The line for cocain was very very light and my P.O. jokingly said you havent been doing any coke have you? And I said No laughing it off. When really I was dying inside. I prayed to God. Please let me pass this drug test and I will never use again.
After that is when my hell truly began. That same day I went back with that guy. I was broke and needed smokes so I came up with the idea of flying a sign. I sat on a main road with my hood up and a sign over my face. The sign said Broke hungry and to proud to prostitute. I made 100$ in an hour and somehow my cigarette money turned into us having some fun. Or so I thought. He used a needle to do his drugs. That was something I had never done and never wanted to do.
We went back to that horrible efficiency appartment after we got some dope. He was going into the bathroom to get his shot ready and I went with him. I told him i wanted to do it like that too. Why did I say that? Because I am an impulsive Bi Polar drug addict who acts their life out on impulse. He tried to tell me no but i wasnt taking no for an answer. So after he did his I used the same needle and let him stick it in my arm for the first time. It was a wrap after that. Nothing has ever felt so good and nothing ever felt so good after either.
That was the begining of the end. I found out he gave me Hep C. I ended up in two mental institutions two detox's and sat in jail for 30 days all in a matter of 6 months. I attened NA meetings while I was in the Drug Court program. I realized then I was lucky. I knew what I needed to do and I knew I needed to get the right kind of help. I almost through away my entire life and put my children through what I had to go through with my mother.
Now Ive been on suboxone for almost a year and although there is lots of controversy over the use of a substitute drug, I can say it saved my life. I see a therapist once a week, I go to NA meetings and I work on all the character defects addiction gave me. I also take my daughter to see a therapist as well. Addiction is a disease. You will die from it if you are not treated and sometimes the first couple treatments dont work. Dont ever give up. You can have your life back. You will always be an addict. Just like I will always be an addict but I found something that works and so can any other addict. I hope this Blog shines some light on how quick addiction can turn bad. In active addiction I would have traded my life for one more high. Today I wouldnt trade my life with my family for anything in this world.
-The Child Of The Dawn