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AHOY, citizens. Are you aware of an exciting new scientific development that will probably not change your life in any significant way whatsoever? Well, you should be. Diet Coke, known in reputable think tanks such as message boards and seventh-graders’ slumber parties as “that stuff that is awesome but is probably melting your brain,” has come out with something new. Okay, newish. Diet Coke Plus!
“Plus what?” I hear you asking skeptically. Plus...mind control serum? Plus puppies? Plus ennui? No! Plus vitamins. And everyone knows what vitamins are. They are the things that Diet Coke was sucking out of your system before. Now they want to put them back, specifically B vitamins, magnesium, and zinc. Except, depending on who you ask, the real risk of Diet Coke and other sodas is that people are not getting as much calcium as they need. Perhaps a calcium-enhanced Coke is around the corner? They could team up with the dairy industry and call it Cowke. Slap on a pink ribbon, and it’s Lady Consumer Gold.
Naturally, I thought if I was going to write about this, I should taste it. I hadn’t had a Coke product of any stripe for months and months, and I heard that they had reformulated the flavor for the new “Plus” line. I had some trepidation about this. I almost single-handedly kept the Coca-Cola Company in business during grad school, when I was also working and taking care of my then three-year-old. I was tired. Or I would have been, if I hadn’t been swilling Vanilla DC and vibrating so hard I was loosening the bolts in my office chair. Would I get sucked back in? Would Diet Coke Plus become my life, my love, my everything?
In a word, NO. I tasted Diet Coke Plus along with original Diet Coke, and straight-up original Coke for comparison purposes. Indeed, as has been anecdotally reported, Diet Coke Plus tasted sweeter, but not nearly as sweet as an O.G. Coke. It has been so long since I had regular Coke my mouth twisted up and I thought my teeth were going to run screaming out of my head from the sweetness. Diet Coke Plus leaves a tinny taste in your mouth, and I drank one solo yesterday afternoon on a pre-dinner empty stomach and I’m pretty sure the zinc made my stomach ache. If I want a tinny aftertaste without the stomachache I’ll reach for a Red Bull. Because we all know what Red Bull gives you...say it with me...Green Pee. Woo! At least Red Bull pretends the vitamins have something to do with energy monkeyscience, and not health monkeyscience.
Finally, there’s just something Not Quite Right about “cheating” nature this way. Some people were excited to turn their Coke habit into a zero-sum equation. Others merely respond with, "Another Coke product? Really?" I asked a few of my friends what they thought about this wondrous product, and many agree with the sentiments expressed by Annie Choi:
Look, I drink Diet Coke specifically because it does not have vitamins. I do not want my Diet Coke to be healthy. I want it to rot my teeth until they’re little nubs and I have to throw all my food in a blender to eat it or get the fancy titanium bone graft implants that my dad has (who interestingly enough, rarely drinks soda). I want my body to be filled with all that glorious high fructose corn syrup and caffeine and whatever MSG type crap they put in their “secret recipe” that makes Coke so MF flavorful and delicious. I want all of this, yes.
So until they come up with Cowke, I am going to stick with Red Bull and, you know...fruit. And a vitamin pill when I remember. Also, let us not forget Diet Coke’s contribution to the world of entertainment. You don’t have to actually drink it.
Finally, I leave you with this thought from j.son : “Don’t Be Wastin Your Chewin!”
