Disappointed- Loss of Attraction

So you get married.  You are both young and determined.  Things are going very well.  You are working together toward your goals.  You are both physically fit.  You both want the same things: kids, home and you even want the same breed of dog.  How is all this possible?  It is almost nirvana until someone gains a great deal of weight.  The scenarios cited are not gender specific.  
 
Spouse A:
“This is not what I signed up for.  You are not the same person.  You have given up your high standards.  You are putting your health at risk.  Of course, I love you, but no, I am not attracted to you.  The two things are mutually exclusive.  It isn’t only the way you look.  You don’t care about yourself.  That is a turn off.  We both enjoyed being fit.  We lived a healthy lifestyle, eating whole foods and then an occasional indulgence in some must-have foods that are not on the everyday list.  You have completely reversed your routine.  I feel betrayed.”Couple skinny & fat
 
Spouse B:
“We took vows.  You are supposed to love me no matter what.  I am too tired.  How could you say this to me?  I am so hurt.  You can’t love me and feel that way.  I  don’t know what to do.  I feel betrayed.”
 
Conversation
 
So who is “right” here.  Here’s a perspective.  Relationships evolve.  Couples need to grow together.  Here is a real test of how strong their foundation is to get through this.  There’s a breakdown in communication and trust.  Is it ok for Spouse A to lose attraction, and is it ok for Spouse B to feel entitled?  The answer is feelings are never right or wrong. They just are.  If something is a turn off, it just is. There is, however, a constructive way to deal with this, but both have to buy into the same solution.  If the marriage can find its way back to a place of trust, there is hope.  Listen to your spouse, really hear them, validate their feelings and keep productively communicating.  Good intentions, an open mind, and a deep desire for change are critical to the beginning of a solid healing process…As always professional, objective facilitators are available to pave the way…
 
Marcia Richman, CPC
Transitional Coach
 
 
Photos retrieved from: www.courtstall-tennis.co.uk,  www.dailymail.co.uk
 

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