Day Four: I'm Blowing This Popsicle Stand.
So, I quit outpatient therapy. I have it four days. Stays generally range from 5-10 days, so I didn't cut it that short. But I still got released as an AMA (against medical advice).
I have so many conflicting emotions about what I went through. One is that I failed by not absorbing the significance of Smoothing Making 101, or making Fimo beads and the dreaded collages, but every class and group therapy was just so underwhelming and oversimplified and unspecific to my personal needs. And sorry to be judgmental, but spending every day all day with really...unusual and extreme characters really freaked my shits out. I was scared of them. I understand mental illness takes on many forms and there's a lot of shame involved, including my own, but I just felt so out of place among the toothless drooling masses who would yell obscenities at me in the hall.
Plus, I filled out shit tons of very personal, thought-provoking paperwork that no one ever asked to see, so that was the point.
I tried to open my heart a few times and speak of my struggles with OCD, anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, how I feel like a terrible parent for not engaging the kids, how we never get out of the house, how I'm so afraid of germs that I take great measures to avoid them, and to be honest, I got a lot of judgment in return, mainly from the inpatients. There was a guy who said all condescendingly, "Umm, it's it true that kids need to be exposed to germs?" To which I wanted to reply, "Oh fucking GEE, I've never thought of that in my life, no one's ever told me that before, I mean come on, give me a break." What I said instead was that there are two schools of thought on the matter and I've done my research and made up my mind about what I think is beneficial in the long run (at least with regard to physical health.) I'm not stupid. And these people made me feel stupid.
Another thing this same guy said when confessed that I don't spend enough time with my kids and I have a hard time getting off the computer as a means of relaxation, he got all snide and said, "Well then what the hell do you kids do while you're on the computer all day?" To which I wanted to reply, "They run around with knives and set fires and I let them roam the neighborhood by themselves and lock the baby in her crib with boards over it and encyclopedias holding down he boards and I completely ignore them and don't feed them and let them go in the hot tub unattended and break shit and blow shit up." What I said instead was, "They play independently and make each other laugh constantly because they are great playmates."
I felt very judged by his comments. I felt a lot of judgment in general, from the HBIC Julia, and even from a separate therapist whom I see occasionally. I don't like to feel judged. I expect to go through some hard work and put in some major effort, and I don't expect things to be sugar-coated, but still, I could use a little gentle love sometimes. Some true understanding about how very difficult things are, and, at the risk of sounding cliche or trite, how much pain I'm truly in.
I think Dr. P is a good fir for me. He brings out the stubborn Texan in him a lot and speaks his mind, and it's hard for me to hear, but I'm trying to be open.
But I guess my main news is that I quit the day therapy. Typical stays range from 5-10 days and I wet 4 before deciding that it was complete and utter bullshit. You can only make so many kale smoothies before you're like, "WHAT IS THIS SHIT AND WHERE IS MY DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY CLASS?" A 5-minute course on deep breathing can only impart so much wisdom and take-home knowledge.
Things were just go generalized and oversimplified and inapplicable to my life and situation. I don't want to say it was a total loss, because there are bits and pieces that resonated, but for the majority, I just sat there thinking, "I am in a group session people people who have drastically different problems and difficulties than I do, and I don't see how we can make this fit my needs. Then, notherfucking craft time. Again, a fairly nice distraction from the drudgery of daily life, I guess I'd rather somethings be working with clay instead of yelling at my kids, but still. I got up early and drove all the way to the hospital just to make self-affirmation cards and decorate them with stickers?
So I quit. And then my main outpatient therapist Julia decided that I was only quitting because it was a manifestation and consequence of what I've been diagnose with (BPD, among other things. She didn't allow for the fact that maybe I'm thinking with a clear head and that my criticism of the program is founded on solid things, that I am a capable and smart enough person to know when something's not work for me. I feel like they're telling me my outlook and beliefs and judgments are clouded by my disorders, when in reality I feel like I started this thing with a VERY open mind and a willingness to try, and THEN became very critical, cynical, and disillusioned. I do not like to be told that my reactions, thoughts, and behaviors, and judgments/criticisms are purely the result a disorder that's clouding my thoughts. I am smart enough to know what's what and to make capable and correct decisions.
So yeah, my charts say I left AMA. Whatever. I don't see how I could have gained one more thing from going even one more day.
Maybe that's part hardheadedness in my, and I know I'm stubborn and can be resistant or afraid of change, but I really did go into this thinking it would help me or at least be tailored to my needs.
So I felt very belittled by and judged by Julia and by Dr. P, and I felt his great disappointment in me. He did not appreciate when I called the program a waste of time. He is strongly pushing for another outpatient program, this time at a different hospital, but I can only expect more of the same. Zombies walking through the hall, people yelling obscenties; someone crazy person even yelled at my over my weight the other day. Thx.
I wasn't afraid of hard work. I wasn't afraid of learning new things. I was openminded until I realized this was bullshit. And I feel like my assessment was correct, even if I do have "disorders" that might contribute to my being overly critical and all that fuckery.
So it's kind of back to square one. I feel relief at not having to go every day and sit through mind-numbing classes on things that don't relate to me, I feel relief at not having to be grilled on the hot seat by Julia being asked questions that I don't know how to answer. I'm feeling wildly free to be away from Chatty Cathy Denise, who was draining the life force out of me. But I'm also overloaded with guilt over NOT attempting this second program at a different hospital with Dr P so desperately wants me to go to. If I don't go, I'm a failure. If I do go and it's just as useless, I'm a failure because then clearly it's "my problem" that I can't learn from the help people are trying to give me
I feel like a hopeless and helpless cause.