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When we hear the word ‘divorce’ we almost always think of the ending of our romantic relationships, but the ending of a friendship can be just as devastating and often just as dramatic.
Without tools to cope with severing ties with a friend gracefully, most of us revert to the tried and true tactics such as ‘the blow off,’ ‘the blow up’ and the not very nice, but ever so effective, ‘back stab.’ The results? We end on bad terms, our feelings get hurt, or we are left wondering thoughts like, “What happened? Why aren’t we friends anymore? What did I do?”
The good news is that ending a friendship doesn't have to be this way, not if you can let go of some of the friendship lies and pick up some good breakup habits.
LIE: Friends are forever.
TRUTH: Like any relationship, it’s natural for friendships to end. As you grow and change, so will your friendships.
Of course when a friendship ends you will be sad. Endings are sad and can be painful but the suffering is totally optional. When you cling to this B.F.F. rule that says you have to stay friends forever with a person, you’re setting yourself up to suffer. We are meant to have multiple relationships in our lifetime, it’s just part of life for people to come in and out of our lives. Be willing to let friendships run their course without having to keep them going past their expiration date. “Because we’ve know each other since high school” cannot be the primary reason to stay friends.
Good Break Up Rule #1: Be Honest. If your friendship is no longer giving you what you need, be honest about the ‘why’. First get clear within yourself on why this relationship isn’t making your life better. Then talk to your friend and give her or him a chance to respond. Don’t wimp out and just let the friendship wither away, or create some massive drama that leaves you not speaking to each other. That only leaves questions and hurt feelings on both sides. Tell your friend what you need, and then ask them if they can give it. Listen. If they can’t have the conversation with you, then you know the friendship is over. If they do lean in and talk with you, you might have a relationship that can grow. Be honest with each other and yourself.
Good Break Up Rule #2: Don’t Blame. Ending a relationship doesn't have to be anyone’s ‘fault’ so avoid pointing fingers and making the other person wrong or flawed. Instead meet your friend with your heart, the one that connected the two of you in the first place. Be vulnerable and share how you feel. Yes, it may feel a little scary and it will seem easier to bring out your old defense mechanisms and shut yourself off, but that will only lead to drama and hurt. If you can’t be open with your feelings in this relationship, either this relationship isn’t right for you, or you have a problem opening up. Either way, it’s something you need to know.
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