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Do it in the morning, use lube: Elder and Midlife Sex Lives

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The past two months have been a bit rough. My father died and, if that wasn't awful enough, there was an ungodly amount of sturm und drang in the aftermath of his passing. As the once official black sheep of my family, I found myself in the role of the family moderator and peacekeeper, an ironic twist in the drama. I need not tell you, intelligent and wise BlogHer.org reader, that all of this would wear on the patience of the best of us, and that a break from the madness as well as the grief that sits heavy and aching in the core of the chaos, is necessary, if not required.

I attempted a solo getaway to a beautiful Zen Center/organic farm in Northern California. I was hoping to find the serenity of a silent retreat as eloquently described by Contributing Editor Mata H., but I experienced a wave of anxiety on the second day. It was clearly not the right time to be alone and I drove back to be with my husband, daughter, dog and, admitedly, to cheer myself with choice television viewing along the lines of The Colbert Report and Project Runway reruns.

Despite the healing powers of Stephen Colbert, I knew that a change of pace and scenery was still a helpful idea. Having witnessed my family's not-fun dysfunction, my husband agreed that a getaway was needed, so he took a look at his calendar, made a couple of calls, and happily announced that I should get on the 'net and look for cozy lodgings, maybe up in wine country.

Then, he went upstairs to the medicine cabinet, shook a bottle and issued another happy announcement -

"Oh, good! It looks like I have enough Cialis for our trip!"

Thus, we were off on our Cialis Holiday.

I suppose we could have called our little sex vacation something tame and cutesy like an Escape to Romance, or a Second Honeymoon, but in our 50s we've become rather blunt and matter-of-fact about our lusty marriage. I hasten to assure you that should you invite us to a dinner party at your lovely home, you need not worry that our conversational contributions would include a play-by-play of our latest romp, or our fondness for certain practices, some of which may or may not involve chocolate sauce.

However, I did let off some shout-outs about our gratifying sex life on the ever entertaining Twitter, the quasi-chat room where participants describe what they're up to in 140 characters or less. Our cozy lodgings, little cabins on the Russian River area of the Sonoma wine region, had no TV, phones or a trendy ipod dock, but it did have blazing fast wifi. We were enjoying a fine bottle of local vintage, so I couldn't help but do a little sharing on a series of 'Tweets':

"...hubs & I were testing out Cialis."

Silence on my Twitter homepage.

"I guess I just told Twitter the hubs and I are having a sex holiday. HELLO TWITTER, WE'RE 58 & 52 AND WE JUST HAD SEX. Thank you Cialis!"

To which someone who follows/subscribes to my Tweets remarked:

"@GraceD has also now told us hubs takes cialis, I'll bet he's craaaazy about this :-p"

(I interpret the :-p to indicate tongue hanging disapproval, perhaps an equivalent to a tsk, tsk.)

I replied:

"Hubs prefers I discuss Cialis rather than the valuation of his start-up or anything that would send the SEC to his company."

I read the discourse to the hubs who said, "Damn right I don't want you talking about the start-up."

He said nothing about the Cialis.

Why be squeamish about this? After all, there's a lot of us healthy mid-lifers and elders enjoying our sexuality, as verified by a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Fellow Twitterite and Contributing Editor Laurie White who noticed my unabashed Twitter commentary, kindly provided me with this link to a Washington Post article on these findings:

Many people maintain rich, active sex lives well into their 80s, according to the first detailed examination of sexuality among older Americans.

The nationally representative survey of more than 3,000 U.S. adults ages 57 to 85 found that more than half to three-quarters of those questioned remain sexually active, with a significant proportion engaging in frequent and varied sexual behavior.

"Older people value sexuality as an important part of life," said the researcher who led a major survey of more than 3,000 adults.
Sexual problems do increase with

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Redsy 5 pts

The real issue is that everyone (including me is green GREEN) with envy.

Teach me!!

www.redsy.com ( http://www.redsy.com )

Red is good

Kelly Wickham 5 pts

Someday, I'm going to be Grace Davis. She's who I want to be when I grow up.

Keeping a list so that Grace, romping it up in her 80s, can give me more tips.

1. Cialis
2. Lube
3. Twitter

Link Text ( http://www.mochamomma.com )

londonblue 5 pts

Great stuff. I echo along the lines of Koan — if we make it that far, and if email still exists and spam hasn't been eradicated, it might be a reminder to get something to help things along - in the morning of course. Not that I'd ever buy from some dodgy email :)

Keeping the family alive at www.familyrelationships.org.uk ( http://www.familyrelationships.org.uk )

laurie 5 pts

I'm only forty but post-menopausal due to chemotherapy. Llube has given me back my sex life (and blogging has taken away all my inhibitions, apparently).

Cancer has changed my body, irrevocably. It has not taken away my sexuality. Thanks for the reminder that sex is not just for the young (or just for the airbrushed bodies in magazines).

laurie
www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com ( http://www.notjustaboutcancer.blogspot.com )

Debra Roby 5 pts

Apparently Twitter was acting up again, as I never saw those comments!! I'd have said "ya go girl!" and anything it takes to get there.

The stories they told us about the goings on in my MIL's assisted living hotel are evidence enough that sex continues. There IS a reason many residents sleep through the day.

Debra
A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com )
Deb's Daily Distractions ( http://debsdistractions.blogspot.com )

suebob 7 pts

1. I am amazed that you could ever be the black sheep of anything. Go figure.

2. Now that I am 46, 52 seems rather youngish. And the best sex I have had in the past 10 years or so was with a 52-year old BF and the worst was with someone quite a bit younger than me. So let the kids be squeemed out. Their 50s will arrive soon enough.

Koan Bremner 5 pts

... I certainly intend to be keeping lube manufacturers in business. So thank you, Grace, for reassuring me that it's OK to be thinking that way! :)

There's a time for solitary retreats - and there's a time for intimacy and connection. I'm glad, since the former didn't work for you recently, that the latter certainly seems to be hitting the spot (so to speak...)

Carmen S 5 pts

And this, THIS, is why I love Grace D so heartedly. Amen to you, Grace. My hubs is 52 and he's not stopping anytime soon.

I've missed you!

Have fun and enjoy yourselves.

--

Keep posted with my life on my blogs:
www.momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com ( http://www.momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com ) - a story of one woman's insanity with her six kids
www.theelffdiet.com ( http://www.theelffdiet.com ) - how I lost 75 pounds with a New Year's Resolution