The do-over.....and over.......and over.......
Brave Girl (http://bravegirlsclub.com/) is screaming at me to write.....so is the universe, so are my hands---my feet are screaming to run, my eyes spend most nights blurry from tears and blinding rage as I begin this do-over journey- again for the 606th time.... give or take. With no map, no direction. My direction use to be FAITH. Straight ahead, left and right, down and up the hill--follow the FAITH!!!
If you ask anyone who knows me I am all about Faith. Not a religious faith but FAITH in what lies ahead, faith in love, faith in hope...in the universe, faith it will all be okay in the end.
Too bad I failed to check-in with the universe on where IS that "end" again?!?!
I had so much FAITH pouring out of me I had it tattooed on my foot.....etched into my skin with a needle and ink along with a pretty vine winding in and out of my toes.Yes, ouch. It was a good pain, a productive pain.. I NEEDED it to hurt that badly to prove it was real .... --- except I am not sure these days it is real.... I lost it, my FAITH, somewhere between a broken heart and broken soul, broken home and broken, well.....everything.
The thought crosses my mind more often than not, what if the past 5 years has just been me searching blindly with stupid fucking faith goggles and tattoos and sayings....for nothing... that FAITH... well what if it was never really there for me to loose?
In any case, it's gone. No matter how long I stare at my foot--G-O-N-E- GONE.
So I begin my search again.......or do I?
So where do we begin for today? Who am I? Nuts and bolts--I am 34, I have 3 amazing boys (16, 11 &7) who are the true loves of my life. I have been separated from my husband (who will now be referred to as wasband) of 12 years since July of 2011 (but been in a relationship with him for 18+ years) and I am currently in some seriously painful divorce negotiations with this man who has been my "other half", but not, for more than half my life.
That is a story for another day.
What do I do? hmmmm I paint, I teach, I clean... I clean the shit out of everything. I eat, and then I don't, I do yoga, music..love love country music and I love to run but haven't in far to long. I think at this point for fear I will run and run...and not stop.
I just moved, again, ironically to this sweet little condo that is tangled up in my past in some crazy ass ways, on the same street where wasband and I bought our first place.
So every day I drive home...up this street to another do-over. It's like Groundhogs day the movie with some seriously messed up twists-daily.
My oldest just got his license, and a car. My baby is a man... with a car... and a girlfriend
(who I adore BTW) This is the greatest accomplishment of my life, this has also has shifted my world in ways I can never explain. My baby IS A MAN 6 foot 3 inch driving man.
Did I do a good enough job loving him from the moment I knew he was coming until now for him to hold that in his heart as he drives off on to his own life? I hope so.... in comes that FAITH again....
Where oh where has my little faith gone, oh where oh where can she be?? plays over and over----
Then I look at my 11 year old, who is all his momma with his dark hair and eyes.....with a heart bigger than you would ever imagine could fit into an 11 year old body....and I think..... I am going to blink and HE is going to be 6 foot 6 inches (at least) and driving off.... again, did I do enough? And how do I do more... I only have a second before I blink again.
And my sweet baby, who is like my right arm, who still will curl up in my lap. Who will tell it like it is to ANYONE listening with a smile that will light up the world. My sweet boy is growing up in a world I hope to god will accept him for all of his amazingness...and if they don't, I am pretty sure he will tell them to F'off with that smile that will light up the world and go on his merry way... with an F-you skip to boot.
How can I loose my FAITH in love when I look at these three boys we created??
Well that is a tough one, much easier to answer when they are at their dad's for the weekend and I wonder how in the world did I end up here?? Where did I come from and where the hell am I going?!?
I am a single mom, just hardly scrapping by--- doing her do-overs again and again. Trying to pick up the pieces each go around that I want from this broken life but I never seem to grab the ones that don't end up cutting me.
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