Do You Have Relationship Role Models?
by Liz Rizzo

I honestly wasn't sure what it would be like to be back in South Florida for my 20-year high school reunion. During film school in North Florida and for years after I moved to L.A. I struggled with horrible homesickness. Right before the reunion it had finally dulled, but I wondered if finally taking a trip home would bring it all rushing back. Which I was pretty sure I couldn't bear.

And what would my friends be like? Grown-up. So many married. So many houses. So many with children.

You know what? It was fine. Good even. I didn't really fit there anymore (if I ever did), but I loved seeing my friends, we had a great time, and I still love South Florida.

I hardly even saw any children, except in pictures. Only those of a good friend whose place my boyfriend and I stayed at, and they were adorable. Of course, they gravitated right to my boyfriend. They totally had my number. I look at children like I'm discovering a strange new animal. So small, and they walk and talk, too!

Interestingly, though, what I find myself thinking about since I left are people I totally didn't even see during my visit. Parents. Older people.

Role models. Support systems. Family. Most of my friends in South Florida live their lives surrounded by family.

I am somewhat aware that this exists in L.A. for many people, but I rarely come in direct contact with it, and it's definitely not part of my regular life. It's hard to plant new roots here, though I like to imagine myself digging my fingers into the ground, demanding it let me in.

But it's the role model and daily support aspects of nearby family that I sometimes consider with what can only be described as growing wonder. I'm sure so many of you have this, and it's just completely normal. Well, give someone a hug today, because I can't even imagine what it's really like.

In particular, as it relates to relationships. How many stories have I read or seen where a couple hits a bumpy patch and people in their lives work to hold the relationship together? Share their wisdom about life and love. Give perspective and support. Often, family leads by example. Provides strength simply by being around and being together.

And OK, I paint in my mind a somewhat rosy and idealized picture, but how often have I felt, when my relationship gets rocky, the deep wish that there was someone older and wiser to help us. Someone that was on *our* side. Who respected us as a couple and was wise enough to speak to what's truly important in life.

To share any morsel of wisdom that comes from experience.

OK, I'm off in a bit of a storyland here, where if only I was surrounded by parental units (and above), my own personal relationships would be stronger. And that's a little silly, I suppose.

But it is also a little strange to never be around people's parents ever. To never have those relationships to look to as potential examples you can learn from. That's what I think of when I think of South Florida. That back where I'm from there are so many people who regularly see their parents and their friends' parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles.

And that's got to provide some powerful perspective. At least, it seems that way from the I-have-no-actual-idea seats.

~

Linky Goodness:

Who Are Your Relationship Role Models? (Don't miss the comment thread!)

Online couples: You are on your own!

Happiness, Misery, and Relationships.

Are Your Friends Hurting Your Relationship?

Love.

~

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Thu, 10/01/2009 - 9:38pm

Comments

 

I so hear you!

About ten years ago, before I met the  man who is now my second (and forever) husband, I visited my family in St. Louis and stayed at my sister and brother-in-laws home for about a week.  I used to hear them talking early in the morning through the vents.  Everyday, they sat down and had breakfast together before their kids got up.  They talked about everything.  I said a silent prayer to myself that one day I'd have a partner that I could talk to and that I'd want to talk to early in the morning.

I don't live around family either but have tried to help my daughter in her relationship from a distance. 

Several of the couples I know who got married when we were in college, are now having relationships dissolve now that the kids are grown or suffering loss because of illnesses and subsequent death.  Finding people who are way into loving marriages is hard.  I've been reading a lot of memoirs lately and I've been prowling them for examples of how to create and sustain love and joy.

Thanks for this post.

 

http://blog.candelarisilva.com

Good and plenty!

Submitted by Candelaria Silva on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 05:07
 

Beautiful

Have you read any memoirs that particularly resonated with you?

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 05:47
 

The Wedding Tradition

Early on, I was confronted with pressure to not have a wedding, to save the money and buy a home.  This suggestion seemed so absurd to me.

When we get married, we gather the loved ones and friends from both sides into the same room to build a circle of loving, supporting role models who want and expect you to uphold the sacred vows.  They are the "elders" circling around us every day, giving us wisdom when we have none.  I personally use that spiritual energy to help me during times of difficulty.

They are, ideally, our role models

 

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

Submitted by cluelesscrafter on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 09:50
 

Hard to make choices

I stayed close to home and now, as a grown woman with three children, am so glad that I did. But, if it gives you any comfort, when I went through a divorce my mom had the hardest time of all. She told me she couldn't sleep at night and would come over and just cry. In the meantime, my ex and I had -- and still have -- this wonderful relationship and great friendship. We still talk almost every day and get along famously. My mom presented the biggest problem for me in her quest to "take care" of me. So, like anything there are pros and cons. I'm happily remarried (6 years now), and happily divorced too but I can't say having family close helped with either one!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets

Submitted by Beverly Flaxington on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 14:46
 

I terribly miss those role models

We live on the other side of the country to my parents, and my big, loud, extended family.  And you're exactly right - when we hit relationship bumps, thats when I miss them most.

My husband, who was brought up by his mum, away from any family, doesn't really get this.  He see's the craziness, the nosiness and the conservatism, but not the quiet support.  I suppose you can't miss what you've never had.

 

http://myrope.wordpress.com

Submitted by kazari on Sat, 10/03/2009 - 04:05
 

What Parents? :D

This is a very interesting topic, Liz. :)

I'm from Manhattan, NYC.  The last I dealt with parents was in Elementary School, because parents would be home when I went to my friends' houses for sleepovers.

JHS was a lot of hanging out after school and never going to people's houses while their parents were home.  Everyone's parents worked, so since we'd get out of school @ either 2:30 or 3:30 and parents didn't get off work until at least 5pm, we'd be gone before they ever arrived.

HS was all about getting girls alone and CERTAINLY not going ANYWHERE NEAR their parents! :D

The college I went to wasn't for locals, so everyone lived in dorms or in some kind of campus-based housing.  Their parents were wherever they came from... Kansas, California, wherever.

I live in Manhattan, which is full of immigrants... meaning that everyone moved here from somewhere else, similar to when I was in college.  When people say they're going to see their parents, they mean that they're going to the airport to fly back to wherever they came from.

I never thought about it until reading your post, but parents don't play a role in anything as far as the people I've historically been in contact with.  I'm sure they play a psychological role as far as whether they stayed together or divorced, were nice to each other or fought, drank alcohol or didn't, etc etc but as far as actually meeting parents, there's no use in that, whatsoever.

Somehow, this concept reminds me of fast food restaurants.  Everywhere I go in Manhattan, there are youngsters behind the counters.  They're the ones that need the jobs and are willing to do the work.  When I go other places, once in a while, there are Senior Citizens behind the counter and I'm completely amazed.  It's like a novelty... Something I had never considered before.  It's at those times that I wonder "Where are the YOUTH around here?" and "What do THEY do for work?". 

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Sun, 10/04/2009 - 21:05