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Today I piloted my “Pump in Style” breast pump backpack outside the house. I went to a small industry meeting to network and meet potential employers in my field.
Packing up the pump was easy enough. But then I had to carry it into the meeting. I felt self-conscious. Would the telltale nylon backpack let everyone know I was pumping? If so, why did I care? Would people take me less seriously? How would I slip away to pump in a small room of executives? Why was I embarrassed about this, as if I were doing something dirty?
Before the meeting I staged an advance operation. I went into the bathroom. Checked for electric sockets. Check. But the sole plug was right by the sinks. No privacy here.
When it came time to pump, I went into the public bathroom. But what if a potential employer walked in? Would it produce a moment of compassion and shared understanding among women or would it be awkward and TMI, like running into the boss the morning after drinking too much at a holiday party? Or was I being immature and it wouldn’t faze an innocent onlooker? I don’t know. Even my husband and sister can’t bear to look at me in pump mode, and I don’t blame them.
Pumping is extremely humbling and awkward. Like a mammogram, you jam your breast into an uncomfortable plastic tube. The pump stretches your breast and makes a strange noise, like a wheezing metronome. You must contort your body into awkward positions. Pumping is also very boring, and aggravates any tendency to carpal tunnel syndrome. But we do it, because we love our babies and our freedom. Sometimes it even saves babies- there is an incredibly inspiring article in this month’s Oprah magazine about the power of pumping.
Pumping is more graphic than nursing, but even nursing in public fazes me. I thought I’d be the kind of mother who proudly breastfeeds in public, but I can’t. At least not yet. Perhaps it’s too many years of the pop culture sexualization of breasts I’ve been exposed to, but I’m sheepish. There are all kinds of ridiculous nursing cover-ups, but those almost feel worse! I think I just have to get over my qualms, but I know it makes many people uncomfortable. Luckily I live in a state where it’s been made explicitly legal to feed in public (public breastfeeding controversies, from planes to restaurants to Bill Maher being almost weekly news and a big topic among lactivists) but I can’t recall ever seeing a woman actually doing it, outside of a La Leche League meeting or mother’s group. Do most women just not do it, using bottles, staying at home, or worse, breastfeeding in their cars?
In the end, I chickened out of the bathroom. I sheepishly asked if there was a private office available, and there was. Phew. I closed the blinds, locked the doors, and sat there alone.
