But Do You REALLY Want a Boy or a Girl?

Since I have two boys and a girl, I wonder how I would answer this question had I been the mother of three boys?  I honestly don't know, I bet deep down in my heart somewhere that I would not want to talk about, I would still wish for that daughter I never had.

Thankfully, I don't have to live that scenario. 

Carrie at Stop Screaming I'm Driving! ( http://stopscreamingimdriving.com ) 

My first child was a girl, and I had no preference but I recall a woman saying to me on a playdate that she was glad she had a girl because "boys are so whiney."  I thought that maybe she had a brother she didn't like. :-)

Then I had a boy.  He did whine sometimes, attempting to play mom. He was the little con artist, but mostly he was handful of mischief.  I thought I was a wonderful "natural" mother when I had my daughter.  She was so well-behaved and obedient.  But as I've said before, when I had my son I realized that I just lucked out the first time and had a child with an easy temperament.  The two are 10 years apart.

I don't connect the temperament to gender because a friend of mine had a daughter who was more of a handful than my son, and another friend has a son who's more like my daughter. 

Anyway, I used to say after he was born, but not in his presence, if I had had him first I may have had my tubes tied shortly after.  He kept me running, but now he's chilled out.  He's a quiet kid and not nearly the hair raiser as some other teens are.  Knock on wood.

Good post, Rita. 

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ) is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ).  Also at BlogHer, America's Dark Night of Soul ( http://www.blogher.com/americas-dark-night-soul-il... ).

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I've had a lot of losses, and definitely, the more I understood the risks, the less I pre-planned anything, and the more I emphasized that top item on the list. If I could get to healthy live birth, that was really the goal. After that, everything is just gravy. 

Not that this changed what I thought I was going to have, I just didn't bother putting much energy into it. 

My mantra was, 'It isn't up to me'. I don't get to choose, I just get to choose what to do with what I get. 

Hands Full of Rocks: http://hedra.typepad.com

I'm with both backpackingdad and crunchycarpets, in a strange way.

It's okay to want what you want, provided you love what you get.

And

Expectations and desire can be traps if you picture too much detail - you're likely to fall into a stereotype.

I didn't just want boys, I knew I was having boys - by the time I was 7 I knew I was having three sons when I grew up. They visited me in dreams, often. Boy, nice and clear, boy, sorta fuzzy, boy, very fuzzy, but all boys. 

My mom was bothered by this. Even though she has often said 'there is no such thing as one of each' (referring to one boy one girl being 'one of each') - there's more difference between individuals than genders... despite that, she wanted me to want a girl. She wanted me to HAVE a girl.

And I had a son, a couple miscarriages, another son, a few more miscarriages... baby three, she really really REALLY wanted to be a girl. Because, well, uh. Because. It couldn't be because mother-daughter relationships were a guaranteed mesh - she has five daughters, and the relationships are all over the map for closeness and quality. It can't be for wedding stuff, because she didn't play that big a role. It can't be for baby stuff - half of her kids didn't have kids themselves, and the girls are tilted more towards not having kids. So... no articulated reason. She has three sons, too. More difference between the individuals, absolutely, and she STILL wanted me to have a girl. Ugh! 

So, anyway, I ended up with twin daughters that last go. It was a shock, but absolutely cool and amazing. Want what you want, don't put too much detail on it, and love what you get.

I'm glad I didn't spend time imagining what life with girls would be like, because boy would I have been warping them - it was hard enough to not watch extra long when they did girl-typical play, but my own issues with gender (is pink okay, if you're girly does that mean you don't care if people think you're dumb, is it okay to trade freedom for the opportunity for other people to take care of you?) were hard enough without having pre-loaded the program! Glad I had boys first, too, since I had fewer evaluations pre-loaded for boys. I'm trying to think of anything I had assumed about boys, but I can't think of any. I assumed I wasn't a boy so knew too little to comment. Instead I observed. It worked out well, I think.

And now that I have 'two of each' I find it is easier to enjoy the fact that no matter what genders I got, I really just have one of each child.

 Hands Full of Rocks: http://hedra.typepad.com

I think the "as long as he/she is healthy" is more the wish we put out into the universe for the baby in our belly.  We all just want everything to be OK, don't we?  And is that a bad thing to wish for?  Sometimes everything isn't quite as OK as we imagined, and we deal with that new reality as best as we can.  But I don't think it's wrong to hope for a healthy baby.

I would certainly agree that it can be hurtful or damaging to a child if they catch any whisper or sense that the parent wished for something other than what they got. But I think backpacking dad (above) said it best.  Before you're a parent, sometimes your mind's eye pictures what your future might be. Maybe because of the relationship we each did or didn't have with our same or opposite gender parent.  Maybe because of social stereotypes.  Whatever.  And then your mind's eye is proven wrong, and you couldn't be more grateful.

When I was pregnant with my first we attended a birthing class where we were handed cards with things we needed to put in order.  On the top of every list (one for each couple) was a healthy baby.  At the time I thought it was understandable.  The lady directing the class explained to us that due to numbers the chances were that one of us in the class would have a baby that didn't fit the criteria.  Turns out it was me.  I didn't have the chance to know what it was like to have a healthy, or an unhealthy baby, my child died.  Years later as my next two joined the family picture I was just plain and simply happy for a baby.  Sex was never an issue with me, but by the time I got my kids I had gone through the wringer and was more than willing to take any living child: boy, girl, healthy, or otherwise, into my life because I could love any of them. 

Life According to B ( http://simply-b.blogspot.com )

 I come from the school of thought that it dishonors the children you *do* have when you say outloud (or in writing) "but I really wanted a..." 

 I'm also uncomfortable with the "as long as he/she is healthy..." notion. What if he/she isn't? Would you love him/her any less? I am all for being open and honest, but sometimes thoughts and feelings are better left between you and the universe.

xxo

steph

A Year of CrockPotting ( http://www.crockpot365.blogspot.com )

Just curious.... 

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

I wanted (and still want) a girl, but when i found out I was having a boy, I wasn't crushed.

Miss Grace's Disgrace ( http://missdisgrace.blogspot.com )

... and don't throw a fit. I still think that's the best advice around for a variety of subjects. Consumerism has transcended into parenthood in a very unhealthy way when people need gender dissatisfaction forums. You have to want a child and to be a parent. No matter what sex you have (I have two great sons) your children will be who they are, not who you want them to be. Expectations create havoc on relationships. Parenting is hard enough without adding "I didn't get what I wanted" to the mix.

Dawn Maria

Method to the Madness
http://www.dawnmaria.com

This post is a very interesting one.  Before I got pregnant, I really wanted a boy first.  I don't know why, but I did.  Then I got pregnant and had a miscarriage.  From that point on, I didn't think it would matter to me.  My husband and I had discussed having 3 children, but it wasn't that easy.  I had one daughter, then a miscarriage, then another daughter, then 2 more miscarriages (4 total).  My doctor told me to stop trying for more....too hard emotionally, but since I had two girls, I really wanted my husband to have a son.  Even though he didn't care, it was important to me for some reason.  Then we found out we were expecting again, and it was not without trials, but our son was born on March 17, 2008.  Even though he was six weeks early, he is healthy.  I found out, it doesn't matter what we want in life.  I believe there is a God  who is in control and he will bless us how he sees fit.  I believe he knows what's best for us.  I wouldn't have the 3 little miracles that I have if I had carried those other pregnancies, and I wouldn't trade the ones I have for anything. 

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Pam

With my first child, we had the ultrasound (this was over twenty years ago so no 3D), and were told it was a boy.  I was happy, I honestly didn't care, (I was 18, I was happy to be alive after I told my mom I was pregnant).  I had a Boy shower and all blue stuff all over the house.  Lo and behold when the baby was born, and the doctor (not my regular but an on call) announced "It's a Girl!" I implored him to put it back and find the penis.

This is an interesting post, not a mom here, but I agree with Crunchy Carpets on this one. 

Who knows, maybe someday you will be able to pick out your child's traits including it's sex.  Even then I'm pretty sure they would still surprise you. 

on what a boy or a girl are supposed to be like and that their wants are based on gender stereotypes and attitudes about boys and girls that really should NOT exist anymore.

I know for some it is cultural and religious.  I will never forget the sad look of envy from a chinese mom at the hospital  when she found out I had a boy..she was sooo disapointed in her 'girl.'

But I also hate the whole thing that girls are pretty and cutesy and boys are into sports.

I am probably emotionaly closer and more similar to my son than my daughter.

I honestly did not care one way or another...I pretty much assumed I would have a boy because there are a LOT of boys in the family..it has only been the second generation of cousins that started having nothing but girls.  I was quite surprised when Caity showed up.

I did not care the second or third time either.

Having girls doesn't mean you will have a better relationship with them or that you can spend your time dressing them like living dolls.

Having boys does not mean that you will be distant from them and only talk sports.

You don't have to dress your boys in 'boring' clothes.

You don't have to follow stereotypes.

We make the relationships. WE are the building blocks and examples that our kids follow. 

And my son and daughter BOTH drive me crazy from time to time.

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

With all the mother-daughter issues in my family, I desperately wanted boys.  I was simply afraid of history repeating itself.  Now that I'm older, I know it would have been okay either way.  Still, I like our family just the way it turned out.

 ~ Karen ~ 

Sugarpants ( http://www.karensugarpants.com/ ) | Swank Web Style ( http://www.swankwebstyle.com/ )

I find that a lot of parents are afraid to be honest about parenting in some respects- social stigma being the biggest reason. Society tends to look down on people who say or think "I wanted this but got this" or I'm terrified of ..." it's really too bad. I applauded my bestfriend when she said to me one day when her son was 3 months old "there are days when I'd love to throw the baby and the husband under a freaking bus" She clearly didn't mean it and loves them both to the ends of the earth--she just needed to be able to "vent" safely and say the things out loud that society won't let her. We all need that ability in day to day life, why should parents be any different?

I've never felt quite as stupid as I did in that very first moment the ultrasound technician and doctor told us we were having a girl.

Until then, in our "what do you think we're having?" conversations I'd always maintained that we were having a boy. I could feel it. Right? I was utterly convinced. And not only convinced, but even hoping. What did I know about girls beyond that my little sister used to annoy me? I dreaded a girl, and I hoped for the easy relationship I foresaw myself having with my son.

"It's a girl."

One of the few magic switch moments I've ever experienced. Suddenly, of course I was destined to be the father of a little girl. All of my prior conviction, my hopes and fears, were made dishonest, ignorant, and stupid. I could see every stage in my life preparing me for exactly this relationship. The perfect father-daughter bond that I wish on every man. As often as I'd daydreamed about a son I really had experienced nothing as concrete as the link I did right then between my daughter and myself. They could all be girls from here on out and I wouldn't be disappointed. Because of that shocking moment.

"It's a girl," followed closely, in my mind, by "It's a dad."

http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com ( http://backpackingdad.blogspot.com/ )

I've never had a child, but I have always wished that I had a girl, until recently.  I think when I finally have children, I'll just be happy to have them, no matter the gender or anything else.

Of course, I have been unfortunate to meet people who were not happy with the children that were born to them.  One constantly talked about how ugly she thought her daughter was, even though everyone around her said her child was beautiful.  There are some who just aren't accepting of the children they have. 

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When we found out we were having twins, it was the third positive pregnancy test.  After two miscarriages, there was a surprisingly honest part of me that really only cared if they were both OK.  I used to think it was kind of a cop-out when people said that, but I really believed it.  That said, given my choice, I did hope for a boy and a girl.  And I know my husband wanted at least one of them to be a girl, though the whole two-child-boy-girl thing was a big draw.

I laughed out loud during the ultrasound when we found out we got the boy-girl combo.  It was just too perfect.  We had long joked that the "right" way to do this having-kids thing was to just have boy-girl twins straight off the bat, then you're done with only one pregnancy.  Be careful what you wish for, right?

I admit it, I wanted a girl.  I knew few men who have good relationships with their mothers, and I didn't know if I was up to that challenge.  My brother, my husband, none of them have relationships that work, even though both took different paths with how they were raised.  I have a good relationship with my mom, so I knew my chances of making it work were slightly better.  If we have another kid, I'm OK with a boy, but I'm happy to have had a girl first. 

Hi, I was lucky to have a beautiful daughter and didn't want sons at all - and then I got pregnant with twin boys!  I was pretty upset - not just one but TWO which we also hadn't anticipated.  It took a long time to enjoy the idea of having boys - now at 6 they are the lights of my life along with their sister.  Loving, fun, sweet.  Sometimes you get what you need, not what you want.