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A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a friend who I had not seen since half my life ago. We had been room mates our freshman and sophomore years of college. We had known each other in high school, but we hadn't really become friends until we roomed together. We had gotten pretty close, pretty fast, and for a time we were practically inseparable. But by the end of our sophomore year, we had started to drift apart. By the beginning of our junior year, we had stopped talking altogether. Until a few months ago, I don't think we had had contact for almost 18 years. I was very excied when I found a Facebook friend request from her, sitting in my inbox. I immediately clicked to accept.
I was pretty happy about the thought of reconnecting. I had often wondered what ever became of her, and had I always hoped she was happy. So, upon accepting her friend request, I promptly checked out her page. I quickly noted two things. One, she has greyhounds. Which I thought was very cool, and interesting because I always thought of her as a cat person. And two, I deduced from her name and status, that she must have been married at one time, though now she's single. Then it struck me; she is going to find out I'm gay through my relationship status on Facebook. And I kind of have mixed feelings about that.
Now the nice thing about my Facebook status showing that I'm in a relationship with Betty Please is, that my gayness is out there just like any other bit of information about me. That information is not weighted. It doesn't dominate the page. It's just there if you want to know. I don't have to worry about coming out. I don't have to think about how to bring it up, or whether it's the right time. I don't have to gauge a reaction before I do it. I don't have to decided whether it's really that important for this person or that person to know. I don't have to have a conversation about it afterward. I don't have to see that reactions. I can be OUT on days when I wouldn't otherwise have the energy to be. It's a good way to be visible 24/7.
The one downside to this 24/7 visibility without all the mental energy required to come out time and time again, is that it's not very personal. And here's where my mixed feelings lie in regard to this old friend. On the one hand, I was bit relieved at thinking that I wasn't going to have to come out in person. But on the other hand, it felt like even though we had not spoken in for as long as it had been, I owed it to her to do it in person, to be available for whatever the reaction, and to help her understand. She must have felt the same, meaning that she wanted to talk in person, because it wasn't until she was in town and we met for lunch a few week ago, that she asked me for "my story."
My old friend is very okay with me being gay, just a little surprised that I ended up gay. In her words, "yeah, you were outdoorsy, but that doesn't really mean anything. It's just...I mean. You slept with so many guys in college." I guess that confuses some people. Anyway, I'm glad she knew before we met in person. It gave her time to process and think about what she wanted to as, and I didn't have to be all in I've got to come out mode.
I'm not alone in feeling kind of liberated, or maybe empowered by my Facebook status. Caryn Brooks posted How to Come Out on Facebook, at Time.com, in which she writes
I remember the apprehension I had prior to going to a high school reunion in the days before Facebook was popular. I didn't care who knew I was sapphically inclined. I just resented having to tell them. Fast forward to now. My long-lost buddy Jill from middle school (married to a guy and with two small children) recently found me on Facebook. She had responded to some posts on my page
