Couples
Does Sharing a Bed with a Partner Lead to Good Sleep Habits?
by Suzanne Reisman

"We need to think about getting a new mattress," my husband said over breakfast last week.

"Really? We just got this one two years ago." I'm the type of person who thinks that a new mattress should last for the rest of one's life, given how expensive they are. "What's wrong with it?"

I wish that I could report that the mattress proved unsatisfactory due to wild nights of sex that broke its coils, but sadly, this is not the case. Instead, my husband admitted, "I can't sleep with you next to me, tossing and turning all night."

My heart sank. My restless, anxiety-ridden sleeping has been a problem since Justin and I moved in together, 11.5 years ago. At the time, we had a futon. When we shopped to replace it, my husband told the mattress salesperson that he needed something that would not vibrate as I flung myself around trying to get comfortable. The salesperson recommended a memory foam mattress, but noted that they tended to sleep hot. Since my hubby tends toward sweatiness, and I didn't want to drown in my sleep, I asked if there was any alternative. We were guided to a natural rubber mattress with a soft mattress pad on top. Husband was skeptical, but we invested our $1,000 for the mattress and box spring, anyway. Since that fateful day, he has regretted not holding out for the memory foam mattress.

My thrashing in bed also leads to issues with the top sheet and covers. It seems that I wind them around me every time I turn in a new direction, leaving him exposed to the elements a few hours after he finally falls asleep. I don't see how a new mattress is going to solve this problem unless we get a bigger one that gives me more room to move without touching him. When we stay in hotels with king beds, he never seems bothered by my sleeping habits.

The tossing and turning problem is compounded by the fact that I frequently suffer from anxiety-related insomnia. I'll lie in bed, worrying about everything I have to do the next day, over the course of the week, throughout the month, and really, what am I doing with my life anyway? I try to stay still and fall asleep, but usually I give up after an hour and wander off to another room to read or watch TV or pick at my cuticles until they bleed. When I come back to bed, I often wake my husband up again. Whenever this occurs, we're both exhausted the next day. (Perhaps this explains why he is not a "morning person" and takes at least 30 minutes before he can communicate.)

On the good nights that I just go to bed and fall right asleep, everything works out like the fairy tale of 100% compatibility with your spouse. We are lucky in that our needs for sleep are comparable (neither of us require more or less sleep to function), we are ready (from an exhaustion perspective, anyway) to go to bed around the same time, and we generally wake up at the same time in the morning. While I function better than Justin does in the morning, neither of us are morning people or night owls. The schedule would work if I could dump my anxiety issues.

I feel horrible that my sleep issues are negatively affecting my husband. I do the best I can to be considerate. If I'm sick, I volunteer to sleep in the living room so that my coughing doesn't wake him up. On nights that I just know that I'll be awake and there's nothing I can do about it, I also stay on the couch so I won't bother him with extra excessive tossing and turning. My crappy sleep habits not only keep Justin awake, but can also contribute to him getting sick. It sucks. Especially because when he is out of town for work and I have to sleep alone, I find it even harder to sleep because the bed feels so empty.

What other women have to say on sleeping with a partner:

Do you have sleep issues with your partner? Do your sleep patterns “gel”? Does one of you need more sleep than the other or are you compatible? Who’s the night owl? Who’s the morning person?

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants. Her first book, Off the Beaten (Subway) Track, is about unusual things to see and do in New York City.

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman (view blog) on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 4:43am

Comments

 

This is a BIG problem with us!

Your sleeping habits sound a lot like mine. When I can't sleep, I often go to the couch or guest bedroom.

In fact, my husband literally hacked my Blogher account and made a post about how my nightly tossing and turning affects him: Flip-Flopper from Hell.

My husband and I opted for a 3-in thick memory foam mattress topper, which sleep-wise, is very relaxing and comfy, but as far as shock-absorbing, not so much.

I've tried to physically stop my tossing and turning ever since the aforementioned blog post, but it's a never-ending conscious effort.

Question: How big is your bed? Ours is a Queen, but I wonder if we had a King, would it be better? 

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Submitted by clueless newlywed on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 13:23
 

Also a queen

I thought that getting a king might help, as whenever we are out of town and get a king bed in a hotel room, there seems to be no problem. Good to know about the mattress topper not being effective.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 17:57
 

One of my friends keeps two

One of my friends keeps two sets of bedding on the bed. That way, nobody steals your blanket!

I've never gone that far, but as a frequent sufferer of insomnia, I do tend to move around a lot.  Thankfully, my husband sleeps like a log, and usually doesn't notice.

I hope you find a solution that suits you!

Submitted by kazari on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 14:14
 

The two cover solution

I think that makes a lot of sense. We need a new cover anyway, so I'll look into that. Thanks!

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 17:58
 

Sounds similar!

While I'm not a tosser and turner and we sleep well next to one another my husband has decided we HAVE to have a king bed.  We have queen, which I think is fine. I don't always sleep well and neither does he but I will go to the couch if I need to and he will do the same. I'm sure that it is tough when one person keeps another one up. For your sleeping issues have you tried yoga before bed? It helps me on nights when I know I'm going to be anxious. Two comforters on the bed is a good idea, we have this and it works because I steal covers. (Hm, maybe that's why he wants a bigger bed!)  Good luck, whatever ends up happening. I hope you can make it work for  the both of you! 

Kathy

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Mama Marathoner

 

Submitted by Kathy333 on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 14:47
 

Yoga, huh?

I'll have to try that out. Usually I watch TV our read or blog before bed, none of which are relaxing and often contribute to my anxiety (as I'll read or hear about something that distresses me). I could definitely benefit from an activity that is calming. Thanks for the idea!

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 18:00
 

I swear I don't steal the covers

I think that my husband throws the covers over me in the middle of the night. That's why they are falling on the floor on my side of the bed, right? Seriously, he steals the sheets and I steal the covers. I suffer from insomnia in the middle of the night where it is often too cold to get out of bed (we keep the house at 60F at night in the winter), so I just toss and turn. And when I'm sick, he says I "honk" in my sleep. Still, we can't imagine sleeping apart, so we tolerate it (I think he tolerates more than I have too). My parents slept in separate rooms because my dad snored, but I never imagined sleeping apart from my husband. No great help here, just empathy.

Angela at mommy bytes

Submitted by moonfever0 on Tue, 01/27/2009 - 20:08
 

Take away distractions in the bedrooom

Another thing my husband and I agreed on is not having any outside distractions in the bedroom.

No TV.

No Computer.

No reading.

The bedroom is for sleeping (and OK some other kind of "bedroom" activities). Seriously, it helps you calm down before bed because there isn't anything to distract you from your sleep.

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Submitted by clueless newlywed on Wed, 01/28/2009 - 06:56
 

We have separate bedrooms

I always get a good night of sleep since we decided to have separate bedrooms.  We still sleep together on the weekends, but during the work week, he is in another bedroom.  And the only way we can sleep together on the weekends is if I go to bed a couple hours before he does since his snoring keeps me awake.  

My bed never looks pretty.  Instead of having one nice comforter set, we have two.  The sheet is still a king.  But I buy full size comforters instead.  He sleeps hot so a thin comforter is enough for him.  Since I sleep cold, I usually need at least 2 or 3 blankets so that is a pile on my side.  When I have guests, just for show, I might throw a nice king size comforter over everything. But that king size comforter is on the floor when it is bedtime.  

I love the closeness you get from sleeping together.  But some nights, I rather have a good night of sleep.  

 

 

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Submitted by asithi on Wed, 01/28/2009 - 08:15
 

All about the King Size

My boyfriend and I just recently went on vacation and our bed in the hotel was a king. I don't think we've ever had such great sleeps together! When we're at home, I almost always keep him up with my restless sleep. While it's a bit of an investment, I think we're going to have to get a king sized in the near future. 

 

http://www.superu.ca

Submitted by mwood on Tue, 02/03/2009 - 15:49
 

Two covers

My husband and I have had seperate covers since the second or third week of our marriage. It works so much better for us. And luckily, I'm a deep enough sleeper to not hear his chain saw snoring. So the two covers have really provided us a solution to our sleep problems.

Submitted by Sunny Day on Sat, 02/21/2009 - 09:16
 

Separate bedrooms

I actually think separate bedrooms is not a bad idea.  You have your space, and have sex whenever you want.  I don't think it's really necessary for couples to actually share the same bed.

Submitted by Miss Profe on Wed, 03/11/2009 - 06:07