Don't Lie About Liking Chinese Food

Wild Assumptions

 
 
 
When people do dumb shit I try to figure out why. I collect facts and talk to people like an investigator. I like to pretend that I know what other people are thinking, then I will sit around with my friends and create all kinds of scenarios for why people do, act, and say just about anything. I do this all the time and it's quite a gift I've developed over the years.

I find that as I get older the drama between people I know doesn't seem to go away. But as adults we just get better at dealing with it, ignoring it, and whispering about it without anyone finding out we talk shit all day long. Not only do I like to talk about what people are doing, I like to figure out why. I try to figure out what that person was thinking and I need to gather all the facts before I can fully make wild assumptions. I love making wild assumptions. It's so fun.

You are not supposed to assume or judge a book by its cover or run with scissors or swim right after you eat either.  


So when someone does something fuckin stupid, I try to guess what that person is or was thinking. I try to rationalize motives. I try to find reasons that person might have been momentarily delusional and boarded the crazy train for a ride around the block. I make excuses for people too but sometimes, when I'm losing the game and can't think of any logical or drunken reason someone would be so dumb, I just end with, "Well, she must be fuckin crazy. There is no other possible reason so and so would do that." Everyone nods and we move on to what the next person who isn't in the room and isn't really friends with us has been thinking and doing and most of all WHY. I'm going to make a gossip board game called Wild Assumptions and, like, Clue, at the end of the game you can find out if you're right.

So if you don't know what someone is thinking and you are utterly confused by another persons dumb behavior, come ask me. You can help me with my Wild Assumptions board game. I will start immediately guessing what that person is thinking  so you can start to feel better about life and how to deal with all the nutty people floating around your life space. We assume people are okay when they're not. We assume people like us when they don't. We assume things. That's what people do. Stop telling me not to make assumptions because that's impossible. And, even if I asked these people what they were really thinking, chances are they will lie. I'm assuming here.

I've had lots of practice making judgments about other people's lives by practicing with people in my own life. Mostly Tyler and my ex-husband. I've been trying to guess what the fuck those 2 have been thinking for years.

 There are a lot of reasons people do baffling things. They might be jealous, angry, dumb, mean,  insecure, sad, or drunk.

Drunk People: Guessing what drunk people do is the easiest one. They are simply drunk.Drunk people are also very stupid. You shouldn't do anything too unforgivable while drunk because, well, people can die and that's not cool.

- Once upon a time I was that jackass. I got so drunk at an adult party that I fell right on my fuckin dumb drunk head. I ripped my new shirt and I looked like a total idiot. Somehow the universe has allowed me to remember every detail of that night including the feeling of embarrassment and the bewilderment of why I couldn't walk straight or stand up. But if you're drunk and you punch people and then run as fast as you can away then you're crazy. Wait, I've done that too. Shit. Lots of stuff seems like a good idea when you're drunk..


-Being a sycophant
I've known a lot of ass kissing people in my life and I steer pretty clear of them because they will throw you under the bus as soon as they earn your trust. Sometimes my judgment gets all hazy and I allow some people into my life who are ass kissing sycophants which essentially means an ass kissing ass kisser. These people conform to fit the personality of whomever they are with at the moment. They are like geckos or cameleons which I don't know how to spell, but they blend in and laugh at your jokes so you think they are funny and then you will want to be their friend. When they are with serious people they are serious and when they are with fun people they try to be fun. There was a girl in the 6th grade who had this sycophant problem. She was a total ass kisser and one you could trick easily too. Even at age 11 I caught on to her game of, "I like what you like." So I'd say, "Hey, Safana, I really like to eat pickled beets." And she'd say, "Picked Beets are awesome I eat them all the time." She would bring me gifts and follow me around. She wanted me to like her without her being likable. It's really easy conforming to what other people like. It's a lot more difficult to decide what YOU like and then seek it out and tell people even if you think they won't like it. Don't try to get me to like you by pretending to like what I like. Eventually I'm going to find out that you do NOT like picked beets and now I think you're an idiot for pretending you did just to fit in. Fuck. Stop doing that.

I had a boyfriend once who tricked me for a long time into thinking that he was super into me and that we had a lot in common.  He agreed with everything I said. He liked what I liked. He laughed at my jokes. He thought everything I did was amazing. He nodded and disagreed at all the right moments. He was perfect. I was totally enamored with him being totally enamored with me. Then one day I called him and asked him, "Hey, do you want me to bring you some Chinese food? I'm at the Chinese food place." He said...."Yes, I LOVE Chinese food. Thanks! You're the best girlfriend in the world." And in my head I was like ME TOO! I LOVE Chinese food too. And, I AM the best girlfriend. WoW! How wonderful. We have so much in common! I love this guy!

But then the Chinese food sat. And it sat. Then I watched it sit in the fridge. Finally, I asked him about it and he was like this, "Oh No, I totally forgot, I'm so sorry. Shoot Gosh Darn. I can't believe I was that dumb.You were so nice to buy me Chinese food. Golly Poo. I hope you forgive me, you're the best." And, I was all like,"Oh that's okay, hahaha. That happens. I'm glad you think I'm the greatest person alive, laugh at all my jokes and apologize profusely for every fuckin thing you do and say. I love you."

Then we broke up. When you break up with people and you fight, everything that you held back not to hurt that persons feelings comes catapolting back into your memory and you spew that vitriol out like you're saving your life. So, we are fighting, like shouting at each other because he's addicted to porn and I'm sick of wondering who he really is since I'm starting to catch on that he is a big fake phoney. I know myself and I am great but not THAT great. I was starting to think he was full of shit.  What started this was that I overheard him on the phone with someone as I was passing . I heard him say, "Yeah, I hate Chinese food too. It's all mushy and dumb. It sucks." I stopped. I turned. And I was like WHATTTT? Hold the fuck on! You HATE Chinese food? You told me you LOVE Chinese food. Then the Chinese food incident came flooding back to me and I started pointing my finger at him. My eye started twitching and the epiphany that this guy was full of shit and was pumping me full of shit too. What a sycophant! I was yelling about Chinese food and what lying about Chinese food says about him and that I cannot move forward with someone who would lie about their ethnic food like that!

Who lies about liking Chinese Food? You either like it or you don't. JUST TELL ME


That was it. The Chinese food did it. You can look at porn, come home late, or even get drunk, rip your shirt and fall down, wait, that was me. Anyway, don't like what I like, repeat what I say, and pretend you are in love with me if you're not. You fuckin freak.


Shit talkin
-I like to talk. I like to talk about poeple and unravel parts of life that I don't have first hand knowledge of. I know this is wrong and not what I'm supposed to do but when I'm with my friends I can talk about anything I want. We make wild assumptions about people for hours on end and it's really fun. When I wonder why someone does something I think these things:

1.) They are mean and like being mean and that's why they're dumb.
2.) They are sad and therefore also mean because they are sad.
3.) They are jealous and sad and vindicitive and don't like themselves or others. This makes them mean.
4.) They are drunk
5.) They are totally confused about how life works because they are going through a hard time that makes people nutty.
6.) They are boring while other people are fun and the boring people don't like fun people to have fun because they're boring.
7.) They are a level of weird that is beyond my understanding and we can never be friends.
8.) They are just plain crazy.
9.) They don't like me and are trying to ruin my life.

I really don't know why anyone does anything but I like to guess. I suppose people act strange for no reason at all but that's not fun to speculate about. So instead, I like to think that so and so did that crazy ass thing because so and so is a jealous, angry, dumb, mean,  insecure, sad, or  drunk collector of an animal menagerie. That is all fine. Go ahead and collect small, glass animals. But don't ever tell me you like Chinese when you really don't.

I'm not angry;I'm passionate

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