...don't sit down...if you won't get back up...
It will blindside you. Take away from you. Knock you down. Knock the wind right the fuck out of you. Drain your energy, and make you wonder how in the world your face got pushed THAT far into the dirt when you were not looking. It's can be that kid on the playground with the wedgies, the indian burns, and the wet willies all rolled into one. Then it will tie your shoe laces together when you are unaware, and send you sprawling on your face for the whole school yard to laugh at. And what do you do then?
You get right the fuck back up, that's what.
It's easy for us to look around in life and think that other people have it easy. We tend to focus on what those people have that maybe we don't. It could be that they have money, while we struggle to pay our bills. Maybe they have children while we struggle to conceive. Maybe they have a career we often dreamed about but never quite got our hands around. Maybe they have a strong relationship while we spend our nights sleeping alone. What we don't realize is how much EVERYONE struggles. We have no idea where these folks have been. Or that their struggles felt just as painful as ours did. Mine are no worse than yours, and you won't ever hear me tell you they are. But what we have to do is find the strength in it. Find the inspiration. Find the courage to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get a move on. It's not easy. I am the very last person to ever tell you that it is.
I never though I would wake up in the morning, stand in front of the mirror, look at myself in the mirror at 27 years old and be saying...you're getting a divorce.
I didn't think I would find myself a single mom, walking away from a marriage, a husband with a good career, a house, a life that I had helped to build. Things didn't work out for all the reasons that it didn't work out, and I made the decision to walk away with my son, my dog, and some second hand furniture. I had not the faintest idea how I was going to make it work either...and flew by the seat of my pants the whole way out there door. I was working two jobs six days a week and cleaning houses to get by, all while being a mom. We moved into an apartment the size of a shoe box, and I started over. From the bottom. What I can realize now, looking back, was that what I had was determination.
Determination makes all the difference.
I had to find work. Find support. Find myself. All while being the best mom I could be and keeping my head on straight. It was one of the most difficult things I ever had to deal with, and I will avoid dealing with it again like the Bubonic Plague. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep, and many more nights that I didn't sleep at all. But fuck, was I determined to get through this. There was no way in hell I was going to sit my ass down and give up. I was determined to show myself that I was worth it. That I could pick myself back up off the ground dust myself off, and make the changes I needed to for us to have a better, happier, healthier life. More than anything, I was determined to do right by my son, and keep him happy and healthy through all of this. It was not easy.
There were times I fell. There were mistakes made. There was a lot of self reflection.
Almost five years later, my son is happy and healthy. He doesn't feel damaged as a result of his parents not living out the happily ever after effect. His dad remarried, and I am finally happy again. My ex-husband and I, despite all the emotion that ravaged through the ending of our marriage, did everything we could to shield our son from the effects of it. It was hell, but we survived. And through it all, I did find myself. I did find my strength. In later years, found myself helping other people through the same struggles I went through. I found better work. I found a better home. Nowadays, I can look around and even though we are not where I want us to be, I can realize how far we have come, and I am proud of myself.
You might slide down the embankment, but there is no good reason why you can't claw your way right back up. And no matter how damaged your home, your heart, your mind, with the right amount of determination you can get it all back, build it bigger, and scream from the rooftops.
There will be times that you will need to feel the emotion, that you will need the hug and the hand on your back, and that's ok. People will tell you it can always be worse, and it can. But underneath the shock, the sadness, the stress of whatever it is you are going through, you will find your determination, and you will get through this. Life is too good when it's good to ever assume it won't be that way again. Don't even for a second cheat yourself out of that, because life can be rough on us, but life can be delicious. I have come to understand that until we fall flat on our face, we can't understand how good it feels to stand up tall. Until we have and lose love, we won't cherish and savor love for what it really is. Until we lose a race, we won't know how glorious it feels to finally win one. And now matter how many times you lose, you have to keep racing. The win, when it comes, feels so fucking good..
Someone dear to me told me today..."don't stand still..."
I needed to hear that. Maybe you do too.
Rolling stones gather no moss.
Get up. Dust yourself off.
Get a move on.