Dora and her Va Jay Jay

* WARNING: THIS BLOG ENTRY CONTAINS REFERENCES TO THE HUMAN (MOSTLY MALE) ANATOMY. IF YOU OR YOUR SENSES ARE OFFENDED BY SUCH, STOP READING NOW. I MEAN IT. SERIOUSLY. STOP.

HERE GOES....

 Dora: Hey mommy! Where’s MY penuhs?

Me: Peanuts, honey? I don’t think we have any peanuts. I have some cashews. How about a healthy apple? DON’T EAT OFF THE FLOOR!.

Dora: Not peanuts mommy. I know that we don’t have peanuts. Freddy’s penuhs is coming out of his space ship bahjamas and I can’t find mine. My peanuhs needs air too...just like his.

Let me stop here to offer a brief explanation. Freddy decided last night, AFTER Dora decided to wear those little onsie pj’s that NO ONE should wear because they are covered in tractors (thanks papa), to put on a 3 sizes too small pair of outer space onsie pj’s. (They reasoned that a blanket wouldn’t be necessary in the middle of summer if they were wearing blanket pajamas.) The zipper of Freddy’s pj’s is broken, with the tail end of it sticking out of the hole that is supposed to be sewn closed but isn’t. Freddy decided that not only was it cool that he still “fit” into these nasty things, but that his penis could also stick out of the hole, giving it the air it needs to be comfortable. I myself favor boxers for him......

Freddy: You don’t HAVE a PENIS, Dora. Only daddy and I have those. You have a Vuh-gi-NUH just like mommy. Holy Lord and I hope not. Nuff said.

Dora: But I’m looking and looking and I don’t see it! Where did it go?

Freddy: Silly little sister. Yours is on the INSIDE. Mine is on the outside. Yours has to hide.....vuh-gi-nuhs don’t have the little pokeys like WE have.

Dora: But I WANT ONE! I don’t want mine to be hiding. I want to stick it out of my buhjama hole too!

The most amusing part of this is that the whole time this conversation was taking place, Dora was looking for her parts. Give it up, little sister. It ain’t there.

I intervened, giving her the basic rundown of parts, just enough info for a 3-year-old to get bored with, then leave me in mid-sentence to hunt the magic door in our diamond room because she wants to go to the castle with her unicorn. Duh.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Mommy of Mayhem, isn’t it odd to hear children under the age of 5 say penis?”

I shall have to say no. We don’t pull a preacher grandma over here, calling normal body parts by names like “doowanger” (penis) or “lily” (vagina). That has never made sense to me. I don’t make up pretend names for my ears or boobs...er...feet. Obviously during drunken moments of quarters in college, everyone (or at least everyone I know) has been known to make up pet names for pet parts. But that was college. I strive to keep my kiddos from being the slobbering dorko in the back of the classroom during the popular 3rd grade sex ed class that snorts every time Mr. Movie Voice guy says, “the male inserts the penis...” I’d much rather them laugh at the swimmy spermy things or even better, just silently roll their eyes at the oily goobers in class that are wetting themselves every time the word penis is mentioned.

This all stems from my lack of exposure to anything sexual in nature as a child/pre-teen/teen/young adult. It was avoided like the toilet brush in my bathroom. It just unpleasant. Or so I thought...... my parents gave me a cartoonish book about the birds and the bees, complete with illustrated drawings of body parts. How accurate could this be? I mean, who here has actually seen a flesh-colored (a la crayola) doowang penis? Doesn’t happen. I’m just sayin’.....

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