Dr. Laura Blames Eliot Spitzer's Wife For His Infidelity

Nettalyce.  You can read more about me at nettalyce.blogspot.com.

For those interested check out Dr. Emmerson's work @ LoveandRespect.Com. Even if you are not Christian , his workshops are powerful.

Nettalyce.  You can read more about me at nettalyce.blogspot.com.

I don't always agree w/ Dr. Laura but I do know when couples recover from infidelity or from the ravages of one partner been sexually addicted enough to use prostitues on a consistent basis, they have to eventually step away from the volcanic anger that the adulterous act has caused in order to critically evaluate how each person may have contributed to a disconnection in the relationship. This in no way justifies the adultery nor does it let the offending spouse off the hook but it does enable the couple to develop a plan for how to address the problematic aspects of their relationship. Dr. Laura is right in that often the strongest contributor to the man's infidelity is a sense of not bein appreciated, validated, etc. by their spouse. This is typically their perception and ususally totally foreign to how women perceive and evaluate the dynamics in the relationship. This does not make their behavior okay but typically if the couple continues then they will have to collectively figure out how to have this need for repect/validation sufficiently met in their relationship. The couple will also have to figure out how to collectively meet the specific needs of the women (which may be a need to feel loved/cherished).

I must also say that I had to look up the ball gag reference b/c I was hoping I was wrong about this reference. After a quick perusal of the search results I realize I was not wrong. Even if you disagree w/ Dr. Laura and myself, it is horribly offensive to suggest such a mysogynistic manner of shutting her up. We should be able to disagree without using such offensive references on what is supposed to be a pro-women forum for discussion.

and while we're at it, who told her she was still relevant? i guess dr. phill wasn't available.

~~
Gimme Love: http://theprisonerswife.blogspot.com

Party? What party? I'll be there. What party?

Hmmm, smart women who speak their mind.... I'm in. What party?
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

Oh - absolutely, Shannon. I thought they both looked exactly as I would expect a couple who has been together and through as much as they have to look. I have no doubt that there is a lot of love between them and for one another. I do not believe that infidelity necessarily has anything to do with someone not loving another - quite the opposite, I think it has to do with feeling like you've let someone down already - I think he has guilt about how he ran for governor, got to governor and it simply has not been going well for him. That doesn't take care of all the years of alleged dalliances, but look - those of us who have been married a long time (I'm on year 17, three kids) know just how many levels these things exist/happen on.

Totally with you on what you wrote.

Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

Edited to include: I don't mean that as an excuse - I am saying, as surrounding circumstances contributing to both the lack of communicating and the sprialling recklessness with which he pursued what he thought was an escape or easy pleasure.

it being 'her' fault.

Communication? We have no idea how their marriage worked.
We only know the public figure and his 'works'....it does all seem a tad hypocritical or schitzoid too..but then America seems to have a hard time with this these days.

How come we are all so scandalized by extra marital affairs these days? JFK enjoyed the celeb power his job brought him and don't recall hearing TOO much tutting about it all. Maybe if he hadn't been shot.

Instead of these women standing by their man and these men apologizing so sadly to the world...the women should be pissed off in public and the men should just say it like it is.

Ooops....I got caught.

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com ( http://www.wetcoastwomen.com )

Well. I've really wanted to make a run at it re: picking and choosing what I bargain for to go to and I really want to go this year. I'm going to look really closely at the dates and flights etc and see what I can do to make sure I can do this!

Thanks, Denise. You are giving me the oomph to sell this. :)

Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

I have to say that because I will be moving my family across the country immediately after BlogHerCon, and I mean immediately after - like the Monday after BlogHer Con.... We will both survive and be better people for doing both. :-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net )

What this wife endured was emotional abuse on a level many of us either comprehend or cannot. Dr. Laura's adage only solidifies my belief that feminist ideology is desperately needed in U.S. politics right now.

...but not this time. Sure, the responsibilities in marriage go both ways. But cheating on a spouse is actually breaking the marriage covenant. That's considerably more serious than failing to provide the right kind of hanky-panky to "keep your man happy".

Jill, I share your frustration with wives that seem to let perpetual cheaters continue their behavior (Hillary included), but I still feel a lot of compassion for Silda. Maybe she knew about this all along, but maybe it was news to her. Can you imagine processing a betrayal of that magnitude with the whole world watching? And when I watched her up there at the press conference, the mom in me wondered if she was up there for her children. Their dad's world is coming unraveled (and it's his own fault, but it's still heartbreaking for a child to watch in a parent). I wondered, when I watched her, if she was standing there not so much as a wife, but as a mom?

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family
rocksinmydryer.typepad.com

Ok - sorry to drag this thread around a bit, but we're heading out of the country in early Aug. and my hubby says that he thinks I'm nuts to do BlogHer less than three weeks before we go. I say I can handle it. I mean - Alyssa - am I right or am I right - if I can handle a vomiting 7 year old for six days, what's two trips in three weeks!?

Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

I don't do debutante salads, but you would be a riot to hang out with. Although I suspect that if we have you and Erin in the same space, we're probably all in trouble, LOL!
Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|Professor Kim ( http://professorkim.blogspot.com )|

YUP! Any relationship takes all parties to succeed or fail. And all parties share the blame - when you really dig in, i've never seen it play out any other way. :)

MMMM, vomitting kids. my favorite. Been there. Let me know when you're ready for YOUR Debutante Salad.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

And on the sixth day of my youngest having a fever and vomiting, that's saying a lot. :)

But I do want to add one more thing, Silda is NOT off the hook, by any means, and we should be absolutely CLEAR about this.

She needs to get in there and figure out what the hell is going on too. With her, with him, with them. This is NOT "just him" - no no no.

And I suspect it's been this way for a very long time.
Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

My husband and I (14 years, so far) always remind ourselves that in a healthy relationship, people are ALWAYS growing and changing. There is no guarantee that we will grow in the same direction and there may come a time when we need to go our own way, secure in the knowledge that we have loved each other truly and into fruition and with the strength and courage to continue to grow and develop.

But they don't teach you that in school. We only have ONE definition of a healthy and successful relationship - and that very rarely plays out.

You are so right.

And trust, honesty and communication remain the only way to have truly successful relationships.
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

Sorry 'bout the imagery. Just had to be said.

Just be glad it's not happy hour and i haven't had my evening "debutante salad." (the olives make it a salad and therefore a meal.) Then my lips get really loose and that actress in me comes out!
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

A ball gag, my goodness! Can't that picture out of my head...

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|Professor Kim ( http://professorkim.blogspot.com )|

People change over time - helloooo people. And to know that people are changing, and how they're changing requires communication.

This isn't easy - no one is saying that it is. But it's what is at the core of communication.

Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

While I was just about to use the "s" word we don't let me kids use ("stupid").

Thank you for keeping me civil, sort of. :)

Jill
Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

So I don't need to say it!

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/YouTube

Megan's Minute ( http://www.megansminute.com )
Video Runway ( http://www.womenonwomenblog.com/megan/ )

It's all about communication - from the get-go.

But even before we can communicate honestly as couples, we need to work to create an environment of acceptance for ALL of us. There are people who, for whatever reason, have very specific sexual needs that may be deemed "deviant" by many. As a result, we are afraid to share them with our partners, and that creates great chasms.

The call-girls that were on the Today Show this morning both discussed the fact that the majority of their clients were looking to do things that they didn't think they could ask their partners to do. That just broke my heart.

ASK! Talk about it FIRST! TRY IT!

And yes, if you're not sexually compatible in that way, it could be that THIS isn't the kind of relationship you're supposed to have. Or if you have WAY different ideas of fun. (I know i could never be married to someone who was WAY into paint ball, for instance.)

But it all starts with honesty. Period. And not demonizing our desires.

And Dr. Laura is an idiot. 'Nuff said on that one. Someone needs to put a ball-gag on that woman. Surely that's SOMEONE's kink?
___________
Alyssa Royse
JUST CAUSE
make some good news!
www.JustCauseIt.com ( http://www.JustCauseIt.com )

I tend to agree that infidelity (and by this I mean secret infidelities - couples who have agreements otherwise obviously don't fit into this explanation) is usually the result of serious communication problems in the relationship (and a ridiculously poor choice on the part of the cheating spouse). Whether or not these communication problems are the fault of the wife, the husband or both depends on the particular relationship. If you've got problems with validation from your spouse, talk to them about it. Go to counseling. Have a little respect for the adult person you, at one point, loved enough to promise to spend your life with. If you don't think your problems are fixable and your spouse isn't ever going to give you the "validation" you need, be a big boy and tell your spouse that. If it's not gonna work, get a divorce. Don't spend tens of thousands of dollars on a prostitute. Don't find a girlfriend to "validate" you - until you don't have a wife anymore. It's about respect. For your spouse and for your family. And Dr. Laura is frightening.

Kate

Four Funny Kids ( http://4funnykids.blogspot.com )

As media consumers, we need to stop rewarding people who pop off about other people's private lives for a living. We need to stop rewarding television shows who fill their airtime with these empty tin cans because it's cheaper than investing in real news or entertainment. She doesn't know any more about Eliot Spitzer or his wife than I do. She is not their therapist, as far as I know, and if she is, she is breaching their confidentiality. She has certifications ( http://www.drlaura.com/about ) in counseling, but has done no peer-reviewed research on infidelity, prostitution, or any related subject, as far as I can ascertain. Therefore, she has no basis for her generalizations other than her beliefs and her anecdotal experience. Maybe if people stopped treating hustlers like her as if they had something authoritative to say, she'd get a real job and we could have more substantive conversations.

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|Professor Kim ( http://professorkim.blogspot.com )|