Avoiding Big Boob Saggage Baggage on the Run

I often contemplate. I'm a contemplator from way back. I contemplate lots of things and then I contemplate whether anyone else contemplates them or if I am the lone contemplator. Because OCD is my invariably loyal companion, I never know if what I am contemplating is normal or if other, so called "normal" people have the same contemplation.

It ain't easy being me. (Or being cheesy, Wheezy or Breezy, so I'm told.)

I reflect on things past, things present and things future. If I were a statue, I'd be "The Thinker"...with bodacious ta-tas and a bronze-from-a-bottle mane of braided hair, of course.


So lately I've been ruminating way too much about boobs and not because they're a scarce commodity. There are more boobies than there are people on this planet so that is more than enough for every person to have one boob each.

After verbalizing my thoughts on the one boob per person notion the other day to one of my running friends and agreeing with her that most women runners' arms look awkward when running because two gazongas take up a lot of elbow room on both sides I immediately clicked around for research on this topic.  This is how I happened upon Dr. Alyssa Dweck, MS, MD, FACOG, a full-time practicing OB/GYN at the Mount Kisco Medical Group in Westchester County, New York.  She does a lot of biomechanical analysis on boobs.  Evidently, the manner in which you swing your arms (or do not) is in direct relation to how good a bra you're sporting.  If you are too busy holding down your boobs to use your arms to propel yourself you are unintentionally slowing yourself down and adjusting your trunk to halt your Bahama mamas from bouncing up and down and all around.

To sum up Dr. Dweck's running bosom analysis, the reason boobs are so locomotive is because they're made of pliable fatty tissues which also control everything from the amount of fat in a newborn's breast milk to a woman's ability to dance slutty for her husband.  This fatty boob tissue is supported by delicate ligaments and skin. So when a woman runs, the breasts bounce and these Coopers Ligaments can become over-stretched, causing pain while transforming the boobs into exact replicas of large tube socks filled with warm oatmeal. 


Boob scarf made from tube socks via Lourdesoftheflies on Etsy.com

If they don't get some support soon, people are gonna start thinking they're nuts.

Obviously, women with larger cup sizes are more prone to this irreparable droop and saggage.  But that doesn’t mean that women with A's and B's don’t feel awkward irritation when their bee stings bounce around; they are just as likely to experience torment and the jarring effects of gravity.  I know as I've experienced discomfort from both sides of the fun bag fence.

I honestly don’t know why I coasted through my first 30 years of life with no blinkers when they mattered so much to me and here I am now waking up to run every day in my 40s looking like I’d been stung by nuclear scorpions in my general boobie region.  Dudes in high school used to tell me to stop buying bras and start buying Band-Aids. Now the joke’s on them, yo.  However, I am kind of thankful I did not buy big boobs in my early 20s because if I did, I would spend all my time figuring out new ways to develop my evil boobie power and I wouldn’t get anything else done. If I could go back in time to the day I trusted Dr. Bridges of Bridges to Beauty and Bodacious Bazookas in Louisiana with 500cc's, I would have him implant a testosterone magnet in my boobs like Molly Ringwald had in the 80s.  In every movie the cute boy wound up loving her awful, didn't he?  I know for sure I’d use my testosterone magnetic boobs to get free stuff like jewelry and tires, but I’ll bet there’s a lot more they could do if I spent way too much time thinking about it...


But back to the pondering over future droopage of my saline noobs, Call it CDO (that's OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be), call it Type A personality, or call it just being me, but I think it’s because I like to control matters before they get out of hand. Not with just a little control. Not even partial control. Freaky Miss-Jackson-If-You're-Nasty Control.  So in the words of Janet Jackson before Nipplegate at age 40, "We are a part of a droopy nation." Or something to that effect. Janet knows what's up (or pointing down as the case may be).  Plus, she's a Jackson so we all know she gets a family discount on plastic surgery.


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