Avoiding Big Boob Saggage Baggage on the Run

I often contemplate. I'm a contemplator from way back. I contemplate lots of things and then I contemplate whether anyone else contemplates them or if I am the lone contemplator. Because OCD is my invariably loyal companion, I never know if what I am contemplating is normal or if other, so called "normal" people have the same contemplation.

It ain't easy being me. (Or being cheesy, Wheezy or Breezy, so I'm told.)

I reflect on things past, things present and things future. If I were a statue, I'd be "The Thinker"...with bodacious ta-tas and a bronze-from-a-bottle mane of braided hair, of course.

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So lately I've been ruminating way too much about boobs and not because they're a scarce commodity. There are more boobies than there are people on this planet so that is more than enough for every person to have one boob each.

After verbalizing my thoughts on the one boob per person notion the other day to one of my running friends and agreeing with her that most women runners' arms look awkward when running because two gazongas take up a lot of elbow room on both sides I immediately clicked around for research on this topic.  This is how I happened upon Dr. Alyssa Dweck, MS, MD, FACOG, a full-time practicing OB/GYN at the Mount Kisco Medical Group in Westchester County, New York.  She does a lot of biomechanical analysis on boobs.  Evidently, the manner in which you swing your arms (or do not) is in direct relation to how good a bra you're sporting.  If you are too busy holding down your boobs to use your arms to propel yourself you are unintentionally slowing yourself down and adjusting your trunk to halt your Bahama mamas from bouncing up and down and all around.

To sum up Dr. Dweck's running bosom analysis, the reason boobs are so locomotive is because they're made of pliable fatty tissues which also control everything from the amount of fat in a newborn's breast milk to a woman's ability to dance slutty for her husband.  This fatty boob tissue is supported by delicate ligaments and skin. So when a woman runs, the breasts bounce and these Coopers Ligaments can become over-stretched, causing pain while transforming the boobs into exact replicas of large tube socks filled with warm oatmeal. 

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Boob scarf made from tube socks via Lourdesoftheflies on Etsy.com

If they don't get some support soon, people are gonna start thinking they're nuts.

Obviously, women with larger cup sizes are more prone to this irreparable droop and saggage.  But that doesn’t mean that women with A's and B's don’t feel awkward irritation when their bee stings bounce around; they are just as likely to experience torment and the jarring effects of gravity.  I know as I've experienced discomfort from both sides of the fun bag fence.

I honestly don’t know why I coasted through my first 30 years of life with no blinkers when they mattered so much to me and here I am now waking up to run every day in my 40s looking like I’d been stung by nuclear scorpions in my general boobie region.  Dudes in high school used to tell me to stop buying bras and start buying Band-Aids. Now the joke’s on them, yo.  However, I am kind of thankful I did not buy big boobs in my early 20s because if I did, I would spend all my time figuring out new ways to develop my evil boobie power and I wouldn’t get anything else done. If I could go back in time to the day I trusted Dr. Bridges of Bridges to Beauty and Bodacious Bazookas in Louisiana with 500cc's, I would have him implant a testosterone magnet in my boobs like Molly Ringwald had in the 80s.  In every movie the cute boy wound up loving her awful, didn't he?  I know for sure I’d use my testosterone magnetic boobs to get free stuff like jewelry and tires, but I’ll bet there’s a lot more they could do if I spent way too much time thinking about it...

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But back to the pondering over future droopage of my saline noobs, Call it CDO (that's OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order as they should be), call it Type A personality, or call it just being me, but I think it’s because I like to control matters before they get out of hand. Not with just a little control. Not even partial control. Freaky Miss-Jackson-If-You're-Nasty Control.  So in the words of Janet Jackson before Nipplegate at age 40, "We are a part of a droopy nation." Or something to that effect. Janet knows what's up (or pointing down as the case may be).  Plus, she's a Jackson so we all know she gets a family discount on plastic surgery.

Not that I'll consider a return trip to the massive mammaries Doc again but I do want to take measures to counteract the ill effects on my beamers that running creates with its continual up-and-down movement.  I also want to educate other runners with a desire to keep their chick parts in tact as well.  I want to read all the research ever researched on whether or not running exacerbates sagging if done regularly like every day for 17+ hours a week.

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As of now, and Dr. Dweck's work aside, research is limited on this topic.  However, much blame can be placed on running as a major cause of boob droopage since it involves lots of repetitive up-and-down and side-to-side movement of the breasts.  All that figure eight-shaped movement appears to be one of many factors that can lead to sagging.  But before tossing out your running kicks and signing up for yoga, hear the chick Doctor out.  Dr. Dweck says it’s difficult to determine the extent of how much running is involved in the droop process because of genetic and physiological factors.  She doesn't have to tell me about preggers boobs, genetic boobs, PMS breasts and Oh-sweet-Lawd-where-do-I-begin boobs.

Ever since I weaned my last child, something in my sore, swollen PMSy scoops of flesh goes hay wire once a month and the boobie hormones need to be tweaked.  That’s when I want to set ant hills on fire with hot grits in the Florida sun and knock down owners of dogs without leashes. My sore, PMSy breasts make me both mad and sad at the same time, which means that even though I will derive crazy pleasure from knocking a walker out from under somebody’s dirty old grandpa with my bloated bosoms, I’ll cry about it later.

However even through bouts of bloated-breast infant-feeding and PMS, I've noticed my male counterpart NOT noticing any changes in their shape or size.  I think when boobs concern men all pairs are just fine except for the extra saggy ones hanging 6 inches inferior to the top set of abdominals. Regardless, I'm thankful most men don't have a pair of their own breasts, because if they did they'd never leave the house.  They'd just sit home all day and play with them.  And if they did this I wonder what the odds are that they awaken in the morning feeling bloated and find themselves on the prowl for someone to make them feel pretty for a minute.  Do men do that, too? You think they stand in front of the mirror pulling their boobs up under their necks so they can see how they'd look if they had a breast lift? Is it possible they sometimes push their boobs together and ask their wife if they'd look better if they had them done? Could it be that men are more like women with boobs than women with boobs have ever thought they might be?

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via VH1.com "Best Week Ever"

Matching body types are strong compatibility indicators.

While pushing my boobs together in my high impact sports bra this morning, I reluctantly found that I could be 3/4 of an inch away from the designated sag marker near the top of my abs if I don't take precautionary measures soon.  I've known this sag effect was coming for some time as most of the time my cupcakes just feel too bouncy, on the verge of becoming too floppy and definitely not sweater worthy. I’d get brand new elastic fake ones shaped into perfect round globes but my selfish family wants me to spend my money on food and electricity and stuff.

So what does Dr. Dweck recommend?  She says to keep running. 

Despite my misgivings I'm gonna try and do it because I always do what people in white coats tell me to do. That's why I buy stuff from the makeup counter lady and why the seafood manager could identify my boobs in a police lineup.  Not that my boobs have ever been in a police lineup or that I would ever flash a man cutting up cobia but there's always tomorrow.

So to sum up the Doc's findings, the health benefits far outweigh the possibility of a little extra breast stretchiness so we shouldn't worry much about saggage of big baggage.

So don't worry.

How hard is that? Come on people. Telling me not to worry is like putting a Double Decker Oatmeal Cream Pie in front of me and telling me not to microwave it ’til the Little Debbie head pops off the package before I devour it.

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via http://caloriecount.about.com/calories-little-debbie-oatmeal-creme-pie-i233343

After enough snack cakes, no one is a Little Debbie.

So scientists are still conducting research on how running might expedite the sagging process but in the meantime, we shan't worry our pretty little mosquito bites or colossal Cadillac bumper bullets.  We should just go run.

Here are some take away points for torpedoes to towel racks and every sorted pair of ta-tas in between:

If you get boob pain when running then you are probably over stressing the tissue and Coopers ligaments so you need a better bra.  Sometimes while running boobs can become tired.  So what if your boobs are just exhausted? What if they collapse half way through your run and as a result you teeter down to the ground on the road or trail?  I know you probably get regular health exams to prevent such a tragedy but what if you have boobs that look perfectly healthy and happy to be running with you, but are secretly bi-polar? Isn’t it conceivable that they could suddenly have an attack of mania and decide to fly?  Better buy a good bra to keep 'em strapped down.  http://www.blogher.com/under-armour-protege-big-boobs-and-saline-noobs-r...

When the ol' droobies are grazing the race belt, you must heed this as a warning sign.  You don't want to just wear the same old thing you have been wearing for years, as you change shape the sports bra won't change shape with you.  The material will degenerate just like your running shoes will after so many miles. Invest in a good one that you can wear frequently like the ones Oprah approves for the big-breasted high impact wearer.   You'll feel as pampered as Ms. O herself and no one can ever be sad enough to fling themselves from a high window while wearing an expensive bra featured on Oprah's favorite things list in O Magazine. (Until they receive the MasterCard bill at which point the potential for self-harm increases 1,693%.)

The main takeaway from Dr. Dweck's research is to wear a good bra.  Just wanted to reiterate this droop-avoiding tip so that your rolling hills not only stay bodacious but remain the audacious, brazen and best running partners you'll ever have.  Yes I know a few of these references to your boobies are a little frightening, but nevertheless I hope you appreciate them and that I had you at 'audacious', pretty blog reader.

As always, sending good boob vibes of the non-bouncing variety your way.

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via theinspirationroom.com

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