Drowning my sorrows

Do you ever get in funks that you can’t pull yourself out of – no matter how hard you try?

Well, I’m having one of those days today.  I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I didn’t want to exercise.  I didn’t want to take Bella for a walk.  I didn’t want to read, or eat, or do ANYTHING.  Not doing anything is no fun and it leads to a wandering mind which, for me, is never a good thing.  My mind doesn’t wander into fields of roses, oh no, it digs deep below the ground and manages to unearth all the memories, thoughts, and feelings that I try so hard to keep burried.  My mind throws dirt in my face and laughs at my weaknesses.  It reminds me that I’m a 24 year old loser living with mom and dad; that I’m a bum who should go and get a job; that I am a failure in relationships and will probably never find a man who will put up with me; that I’m no fun and will probably live with mom and dad for the rest of my pathetic life.  Welcome to my world.  A world filled with self-doubt, anxiety, and straight up FEAR!  I’ve evolved into this crazy woman and I don’t know how to tell her to get lost.  This isn’t me!

Some of the things bothering me:

  1. I’m lonely - I’ve been in a relationship since I was 15 years old.  Yes, this is the moment where your eyes should open wide in disbelief and you should be muttering the word “idiot” over and over and over again.  Because I agree with you.  100%.  I dated boy # 1 until I was 18 years old and then I promptly met boy # 2, whom I spent the past 6 years of my life with.
  2. I’m stuck - A full-time job is not possible right now because as soon as school starts in the Fall I’ll only be free on weekends.  And getting a summer job is out of the picture because I don’t think anyone would hire me knowing that I’m going to New York July 29th through August 31st.  So basically I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  And that hard place is called poverty, my friends.
  3. I’m broke because I’m stuck. - Read above.  This is no laughing matter.  I’m THISCLOSE to start asking for donations.  Don’t be surprised if you see me on the side of the road with a sign that reads “WILL WORK FOR FOOD”.  Seriously.
  4. I’m living at home because I’m broke because I’m stuck. - Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my parents and am thrilled that they’ve graciously accepted me back home, but it’s hard.  I enjoyed having my own place – it made me feel responsible and grown up.  I took a lot of pride in my apartment.  Now I’m living in a room that used to be my niece’s play room and sleeping in a twin size bed with hello kitty sheets.  The entire situation is a bit depressing.  BUT, I get to see my parents and my dogs every day so that cheers me up.  :-D
  5. I’ve gained weight. - The scale may still be in denial but my pants surely are not.  Holy hip huggers!  My pants that once used to hang nice and loose are now giving me that dreaded “muffin top”.  Nothing in the world is worse than the muffin top.  Nothing.  I’d take back fat over muffin top any day!
  6. I’m bored - Staying home and not doing much of anything may have been cool once upon a time, but now it’s just depressing.  I’m bored out of my mind.

Do you know what all these things lead to?  I’ll tell you…

It leads to drinking at 4:30 in the afternoon.  My life is in shambles so I might as well punish my liver, too.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  I know it will be.  But in the mean time, I’m going to enjoy feeling sorry for myself and enjoy my wine even more.

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