BlogHer mom NieNie from the NieNie Dialogues discusses children's identities in this weeks Duplo Mom Expert Q&A.

BlogHer moms know how important it is to stimulate creativity and intellectual development. That's why we've partnered with LEGO^® DUPLO^® to bring you a place to share your ideas with other moms and find new ways to teach your kids in a fun and entertaining way!

Meet NieNie from the NieNie Dialogues, Mary from OwlHaven, and Stephanie from Totally Together Journal. They're here to answer all of your questions on how to get your kids to unplug and use their own imagination. Click here to submit a question.

This week we welcome NieNie from The NieNie Dialogues.

Claire is quite and reserved. Jane is boisterous and cheerful. Oliver is intense and calm while Nicholas is demanding and loveable.

These are my children.

These are their rolls in our family.

With each child comes a different uniqueness. I often wonder if they know they are different from each other. I know Claire knows Jane hates mustard and that Nicholas hates socks and will only wear shorts.

In our family, personal identity is a gift. It is what we are. Christian is really good at helping try and emphasizes our children’s distinctiveness by taking them out on their own personal dates.

Claire gets to ride on the back of his motorcycle to visit a beautiful spot in which she loves in our city.

Jane goes with Christian on a bike ride and then they get to visit the ice cream shop down the street.

Oliver and Christian go hiking with pretend guns and cowboy boots.

And Nicholas gets to play with LEGO^® with Christian until his hearts content. (Usually Christian ends up playing with them longer than Nic).

The children come home with an enhanced understanding of their identity not only in our family, but what they have to offer the world. We encourage and support them with whatever they choose to become.

How do the children understand their own identity in your family?

-NieNie

Stephanie Nielson, from The NieNie Dialogues and CuisineNie. She happily blogs from Utah about life with her four kids, Claire, Jane, Nicholas and Oliver.

^{You must be registered at BlogHer and be logged in to the site to leave a comment or ask a question. If you are not registered, it's free and easy! Simply click on the "Join Us" button in the box at the top of this page.}

Love to hear

nienie November 16, 2009 - 9:31pm

Anybody have any other thoughts about your children's identity? I'd seriously love to hear them!!

Fostering Personal Identity

LivinLouisiana November 18, 2009 - 7:25am

Four kids ranging from 27-13, I have learned to pay close attention to the "Square peg/Round Whole" syndrome. If something isn't fitting in their lives. If I give little pushes, and they try their hardest, and it's not working. It's a square peg, trying to go in a round whole. Case in point....My 17 year old son, has a high IQ, however, he has never been able to function in a traditional class room setting. After years and years, of specialist appointments, IEP's (Individual Education Plans), countless meetings and emails with teachers, we realized (finally) that it was a square peg situation. We took him out of school, down to get his GED. Now, his life is taking off in directions he or us never dreamed. Traditional Schooling was holding him back, not propeling him forward, as it does for other kids.

personal dates & personalities

familyof5 November 18, 2009 - 10:05am

Oh how I wish my kids were still little. We had personal dates back them, but somehow our personal dates now are much more expensive!!! When my 15 yo, Brad, was in kindergarten, he went to two a private school in the am and public in the afternoon. Everyday, between the end & start times, we would have a date: Monday, McDonalds, Tuesday-a stop at Dunkin D's, Wednesday - the candy store, etc. To this day he remembers that and I am truly thankful he remembers those times.

So funny that on Friday Brad had about twelve 15-16 yos in the basement watching a movie, playing air hockey, etc., and what do I hear.... the giant Lego bucket being poured out and the kids, both boys & girls, playing with the Legos. Never too old.

I love that my children are so different: The princess, the oldest and the bossiest, at least to her brothers. Trying to make a living doing what she loves, but still having to live at home. The middle child, can play any sport well, works his butt off making money caddying, and tries so hard to get good grades in college. The youngest, my baby, kind of lazy, goalie on soccer because he doesn't have to run as much, smart, and very loving and caring.

Helping Kids Realize Their True Identity

jenbearit November 18, 2009 - 9:57am

Lately...my husband and I have really been trying to focus on teaching our kids to recongnize the Spirit in their lives. I feel like that will really help them to know who they are. Being a parent can be hard...wondering if you are doing things right or spending enough quality times with each child...but I have really felt strongly that if I can teach my kids to recongnize the Spirit...everything else will fall into place...they will know who they are and live up to that.

Personal Profiles

hopestar November 18, 2009 - 4:04pm

At Family Night we would talk about personal identity--how God made each of us for a special purpose, and how we all complement each other, etc. Then I had made up a form for each family member. On one side it said "Kevin (fill in each person's name) is special in our family because..." We passed those around and everyone wrote about that person's special qualities (we helped transcribing for little ones). On the other side of the paper there were statements like: "when I spend time alone I like to" "one thing I like to do with my family is:" "something that is hard for me is:" The last statement was "I am special in my family because:" (it also had spaces to declare their favorite color, favorite dinner, favorite dessert, best friends, and so on) We compiled these in a book with the year on it and a picture of our whole family. Anyway, it was always such a positive experience for everyone when we did this, and it gives a great snapshot of each person at that moment in time...things a photograph can never capture. My kids are mostly grown, but I love to look through these books and think about the different phases we went through as individuals and as a family. It is also interesting to clearly see how certain traits have stayed constant throughout the years. I think it has helped our children develop a clear identity, and to not feel compared to each other--just each unique and lovable. In fact now I'm thinking when my kids all come home for Christmas, this year, we should do this activity again!

It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately....

Juggling Motherhood November 17, 2009 - 3:35am

Hubby and I have been married for nearly 10 years, and we are STILL finding out interesting things about each other that makes us different and unique (like how he thinks logically, and I give a lot of thought to how it will make people feeeel). It only makes sense that our own 4 children are molded in their own unique way! Also it helps to not see things as good or bad....but different. =) I really like your idea of individual dates. Isn't it so important to have your children KNOW that their parents love them for who they are....and also to KNOW within themselves that are fantastic just the way they are! Thanks for sharing, Stephanie! You always share your thoughts with such warmth and honesty. ;) PS The lego reminded me of my roll in my family of 4 (I was the only girl). While my brothers built lego castles and attacked each other, I would make a hotels with beds and flowers out the front, which I would make them sleep in between battles. hahaha

love the personal dates idea

Stephanie ODea November 17, 2009 - 8:48am

I keep thinking we need to establish some sort of routine for personal dates, rather than just one-on-one supermarket runs. Personal identity is already a challenge with my 2 girls, and will continue to be as we add another little girl to the mix. It's so easy for me to lay out a project for them to work on together, rather than take the time to highlight their own personal interests and strengths.

This is a great topic, and has given me a lot to think about!

xoxo steph

totallytogetherjournal.com and crockpot365.blogspot.com

Personal dates

nienie November 17, 2009 - 9:57pm

Yeah, I think the personal dates are rather exciting. I get really excited when its my turn!!!

It amazes me

scarymommy November 18, 2009 - 4:59am

How entirely different my children can be. It's the most amazing thing watching these creatures discover themselves!

Always Surprised

momma_comish November 18, 2009 - 8:06am

I have 4 boys and I relish the fact each have such different personalities. I have tried over the 20+years to foster them to develop their identities and personalities. I am always surprised with the direction my younger sons take. They are more grounded than my older sons who are getting ready to leave the nest.

One-on-One Dates

MicheleRenee November 18, 2009 - 8:28am

I have three sons and I am thankful that about 5 years ago my husband started our tradition of me going on alone dates with our sons. One Christmas morning there were three cards in the boughs of the Christmas tree and in each was a gift card to a local restaurant that each son had picked out as his place to "treat me" on a date. These dates have since developed into a casual bite to eat and an activity of their choosing such as a movie. I like the going to dinner part the best to share some alone time and good conversations apart from our hectic lives.

One on One

salsapie November 18, 2009 - 8:48am

I think the Personal Dates idea is fantastic. And, I might add, I have found that giving each of our three girls that special time--it nurishes them and then the dynamic when we all regroup is really nice.

Space

Tania0622 November 18, 2009 - 8:54am

I have two children; a daughter who is almost fourteen and a son who is nine. They are as different as night and day and not only because they are male and female. My daughter has always been independent; I swear from the moment she was born. My son is the opposite. He loves to cuddle and even now still loves to give spontaneous hugs.

I heard Lisa Marie Presley say, "Children come through us more than they are a part of us." That resonated with me because I was so different from my mother. I have always tried to give my children the space they need to develop who they are. We can't force our children into a mold, but we can support and encourage them to be their very best. We give them the tools and they create the masterpiece!

14 years of "Date Days"

kleapatra November 18, 2009 - 9:10am

Once a year, for the last 14 years (have I really had kids in school THAT long?) I let each of my children "ditch" one day of school each year and spend the whole day alone, with ME!

In 1996, I had four kids and the desire to spend one-on-one time with each of them. This was my solution when my twins were five and I had a 3 year old and a baby with special needs, and a few hours a month that I could use for respite.

Now my sons have graduated high school and are now in Brazil for two years, but this yearly tradition is one of the best things I have done as a mother. Of course, I have always tried to "catch" other moments to be alone with my children - birthday treats or lunches, chaperoning field trips, riding in the car, going for a walk, etc. But this one day a year, where they know that they are the most important thing in my day and there are no interuptions and my focus is them, alone, has been so wonderful! It is amazing how different they are when you get them alone, without their siblings or friends.

It is one thing that has brought us closer and been one of their best memories too. In hindsight, (if I wouldn't have been reprimanded by the school) I wish I would have done it once a month!

Good ideas here. I love

nienie November 18, 2009 - 10:23am

Good ideas here. I love reading what you guys do in your families to make your kids special. So cool!

Never Label Them

KateHood November 18, 2009 - 3:27pm

I think about my children's identities quite a bit. I have twins and a special needs child, so that opens up a lot of room for error when it comes to encouraging them to develop their own personalities or encouraging them to take on the personality you've assigned to them.

The twins have always been labeled as comparisons to each other. First she was the sweet one and he was the character. Then he was the teddybear and she was the princess. Then he was the screamer and she was the whiner. Okay at age three, that last one is totally true. But my point is that people always want to compare them and assign quirks and personalities. And they always have to be opposites. I think my kids are far more complex than that, and HELLO! they're only three. Who knows what they'll be like next year or in twenty years. I don't claim to be able to predict that and I don't want anyone else to try either.

For my special needs boy - it's obvious. He's supposed to be difficult, slower, less intuitive. And he has been all of those things at times. But I see more in him. If I pay attention, he shows me more everyday. And I encourage him to let that unfold. In his own time. With all of the early intervention, love and patience, he has everything he needs to decide who he wants to be. And I can't wait to see who that is.

Ultimately, I just try to let them be whoever they are in that minute. If George is quite the little artist right now, that's great. But I keep in mind that he may put the paints away for sports, or computers, or music. And the same applies to Oliver and Eleanor. I just enjoy who they are today - right now. And I praise them when they are proud and help them when they struggle.

It's hard not to seize on the habits and personality quirks I like or the ones that seem pretty constant. But they throw so many surprises my way that my expectations never last for long.

-Kate, thebigpieceofcake.com

Remember

Jillyjeej November 18, 2009 - 3:38pm

I know we need to do the individual parent-kid date thing on a more regular basis. Right now we take a few minutes each night with the kids to talk about their day. What made them happy? What made them sad? What did they want to do and not get to? What did we do that wasn't planned? What would they like to do tomorrow?

From this we get an idea of where their minds and hearts are and can build on that in the days to come. We also get a chance to reinforce what we love about them and brainstorm ideas for conquering obstacles.

This all sounds complicated and long, but it isn't.

Side benefit, we've noticed our kids stay in bed better (less getting out for water, bad dreams, forgotten toys, etc) and throw fewer fits about getting into bed in the first place.

I don't think this is anything new. I'm sure someone inspired me with the idea long ago. I'm grateful for those ladies and guys. Smart people out there.

Special Times

fowlerfam November 18, 2009 - 11:43pm

Nie Nie your family is inspiring and what a great Dad Christian is for spending such a unique and special time with each child. I loved reading the different activities your kids do during their "special time" with Daddy (my favorite is the hiking with pretend guns and cowboy boots).

I just have 2 little boys- an almost 5 year old and a 2.5 year old and I'd love to implement more "special times" individually with my boys. They have a lot of time together playing with their dad, but we have yet to implement something where they have some one on one time, catered to their unique interests.

I have a question for you- how often do you do the "special times", and are they given as a reward (like a special date with dad if you keep your room clean), or just given automatically? Do the other kids feel left out during the special times when they are left behind or do you distract them? I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.

-Anna (fowlerfam.blogspot.com)

Nostalgia

Sit At My Table November 19, 2009 - 7:07am

My mom and dad took us on dates like that: a trip to the mall with my dad, a fancy afternoon tea with my mom. It was thrilling to have their undivided attention outside the happy chaos of our normal family life, and I felt deeply seen by them. I only have one daughter, but I'd like to create moments with her that stand outside our daily routine, that are just about her.

www.SitAtMyTable.com

If you stick around long enough, eventually I'll bring out the wine.

cooking with the kids

alw7333 November 19, 2009 - 8:13am

Hi there,

I love cooking with my children, they are 3 and 4, but are so interested in it, they love getting things out of the fridge, cracking eggs, learning new ingredients and the most important and FUN thing is getting to stir the batter of whatever we may be making. I love making these memories with my babies.

Ashley

ashleyandcraig@msn.com

My favorite time

tbaker27 November 19, 2009 - 8:56pm

My very favorite time of the day is bedtime. And not because they are going to sleep. Because I take 5-10 minutes with each of my children and lay down with them in bed. I love to hold them in my arms and listen to whatever it is they want to talk about. And to tell them how much I love and adore them, how wonderful they are and how great it is to be their mom. It helps to get them calmed down for sleep and they know that they have my undivided attention. And that no matter what happened that day, I still love them more than anything else in the whole world. They are growing so fast and there isn't anything else I would rather be doing than spending that time with them.

Amber

Exclusive Offers

BlogHer mom NieNie from the NieNie Dialogues discusses children's identities in this weeks Duplo Mom Expert Q&A.

Latest BlogHer News

Conferences

BlogHer Voice of the Week

Posts in the Last Week