On Dust and Doubts
I hestitated writing about this. I really did. But when it comes down to it I know I just need to put it out there. Because I write about my journey here. And to me, this is interesting stuff. So I thought I'd share it.
I need to back up a bit before I try to tell this story. In the 7th grade I took a speech class. Our first assignment was to pick an interesting topic and write a ten minute speech about it. We would be graded on our presentation by delivery, visual aids and the overall knowledge of our topic.
I decided to write my speech about ghosts. I don't really know why except that I've always thought ghost stories were fascinating. My grandma had experiences with ghost sightings as a child and my mom has had a couple of strange encounters that cannot be explained. So I grew up with the very present knowledge that ghosts could, and possibly did, exist. There has been so much written about ghost sightings and paranormal activity. Many people believe that spirits are more inclined to visit those who say they believe in ghosts. I've always remembered that.
I was oddly drawn to the pictures in the books I checked out from the library. I studied the photos and read the stories to go along with them. At the time there was no internet so that was all I had. I read them so much that I couldn't get the photos out of my head at night, which made for some not so great sleep. Because although I am drawn to stories of apparitions, I am also really impressionable and easily freaked out. Let's just say that watching a scary movie often means I won't sleep for a week until it begins to fade from my memory.
Anyway, I never forgot about that speech. I was so intrigued by everything I read and saw that I actually hoped one day I would have my own ghost encounter so I could prove to all the naysayers that yes, ghosts can inhabit this world in some form.
Maybe I should be more careful what I wish for? Because a couple of weeks ago - this is what I saw on our video monitor.
That is Sawyer asleep in her crib. With a beam of light shining down and two orbs floating, one directly on her and the other above. I now wish I had a clearer picture. I took this picture with my iphone in our completely dark master bedroom. It is a picture of the video monitor that sits next to my head on my nightstand. This photo was taken on the second night that they appeared. Because the first night I was too afraid to move to take a picture. This photo has not been altered in any way, shape or form. You don't have to believe me. But it's true. The only thing I did was send it from my phone to my computer through an email so I could upload it here.
Now, most people would say that the orbs are just dust. If you google it, which I have done way too many times now, most orbs on digital technology can be explained in the natural world in any number of ways. It is believed that 99% of the orbs captured in photos are not spirits. Sidenote: did you guys know that there are ghost bloggers? Now there's an amazing niche!
The first night they appeared on the monitor I was stunned. So much so that my eyes did not move from the screen. I could barely blink. I watched them float up and down and side to side. Yep, they MOVED. These are known as "pulsing orbs." The movements seemed almost purposeful. I now wish I had taken a video of it! But I did nothing more than watch the screen for a long time cursing the day I ordered the video monitor in the first place (I was always kind of against them). The second night they appeared I reluctantly decided to go into the room. I'm not going to lie, I was completely freaked out. I mean, one of them is floating directly ON my baby girl. So yeah, um, I was uneasy to say the least.
When I went in her room goosebumps immediately formed on the back of my legs and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. There was nothing I could see above her crib so whatever it was, it was not seen with the naked eye. I quietly crept up to Sawyer and put my hand on her. I watched her breathe in and out. She was so peaceful. She even let out one of those precious little baby sighs as I stood there. She did not seem bothered at all. I smiled as I watched her. So innocent. So perfect. I felt peaceful too.
I looked up at the video monitor, which sits on the top of her bookshelf. It's not one of those fancy ones that moves. It was only $99 bought online. It's just a stationary one and I have to move it myself to focus it on her crib. It doesn't do it on its own. There are two windows in her room, which during the day let in a lot of light. But at night the blinds are shut and the curtains are closed. We don't have street lamps. I guess the moon could explain the beam of light. But the light never moved. It never changed or went away.
I have now shown this photo to numerous people. A couple people gasped. It's much more impressive in person. But not surprisingly all of them started shooting off statements trying to explain away the beam of light and the orbs. I do not blame them because I did the same thing! I moved the blinds. I moved the curtains. I wiped off the video monitor to try to clear the dust away. I opened her closet door and main door. And then I shut them. I moved the crib and then moved it back. I dusted. Yep, non-domestic me who never dusts, dusted her room. Any time I would change something I went back to the video screen to see the orbs still there. They were still in the same general location.
I sat on the sofa in her room for a while in the dark. A bit creepy, maybe? Not sure what I was waiting for. But the entire time I'm sitting there I'm thinking to myself, I want to believe that this is something special. But I can't. I can't believe it's more than dust. Because that would make me crazy, right? Like, I'd be in legit whackadoodle territory. The more I read about orbs the more I could explain it away as something simple. Orbs are not an uncommon phenomenon. This actually happens a lot on baby monitors and in photography. It has been happening since photography was invented! But it has never happened to me. And I take a lot of photos.
The next day I went to church. It was the Sunday after Easter. I'm not the most religious person in the world. My faith is still pretty new and I often struggle with my beliefs. So I'm sitting there getting ready to nurse Sawyer and the minister starts talking about what the sermon is about. I look up and on the screen it says - DOUBT - in really big letters.
The sermon was about DOUBT.
Ummmmm. Okay. Now I was completely freaked out.
The entire sermon was about the days following Jesus' resurrection. How Jesus visited people, He was there in the flesh, actually speaking to them. And these people didn't even know it because of their deeply-seated doubts. They couldn't fathom that their Savior might be right there with them because they hadn't seen Him rise out of the grave with their own eyes. That is poorly paraphrased. I am not an expert of scripture.
No, I'm definitely not trying to say that Jesus is floating above my baby. Not at all. But I did see a correlation between what was happening in the Bible and what was happening to me. In other words, why must we always explain everything away as simple. What if some of the things that happen to us are extraordinary experiences that we can't be bothered with because life is supposed to be mundane. It's supposed to be normal. Nothing is sacred anymore. Miracles don't and can't exist. Life is life. And death is death. Let's just make it easy on ourselves, okay? Let's not complicate things. We're too busy for complicated, aren't we. We're too busy to believe.
But miracles DO exist. They happen every day. We don't have to see them with our own eyes. They are happening whether we see them or not.
What if my brain is calling it dust because that's all I have time for. Frankly, that's all I have the energy for. I can't even imagine what would happen if we made time for miracles in our lives. Are we so blind to hope that we would dismiss the possibility of them outright?
White or Silver Orbs
Spiritually, white or silver is associated with spirituality and connection with a higher source. Some investigators believe orbs that are either white or silver in appearance are an indication that a spirit is trapped on this plane. It may also be a sign that the spirit is there to offer protection to the people in the area. White energy is typically perceived as highly positive in nature.
When I read the above definition, I changed from feeling completely freaked out when I first saw them to feeling peace. That if the orbs are something beyond just dust particles maybe they are there to protect our baby girl. From what, I'm not sure. But I was no longer scared.
I will say that before the orbs even showed up my anxiety level had been high. There are some things that I haven't written about on the blog that are worrying me about Sawyer. I'm sure it's nothing because my husband reminds me that I tend to dramatize things. I've never been the most level-headed gal. Shocking, right? This is just who I am. I did the same thing with Landon and Brigham and they are both perfectly healthy boys. But I feel differently this time. Different enough to warrant a call to the pediatrician to make an appointment to discuss things.
After a few days of swaying up and down and back and forth near my baby all night long - I turned on the monitor again expecting to see them - and they were gone. As quickly as they showed up. They had disappeared. I felt strange.
We didn't do anything differently. I thought about it and thought about it some more. I had even read that I needed to go into the bedroom and ask the spirits to leave. Like really, ask them outloud to leave our house. But I never did that because HELLO! That would be really weird, right?
I'm here telling you this story, showing you this photo, hoping that you'll join in the fun of trying to figure out what the heck happened during those three nights. Why Sawyer? Why those three nights? I search my heart and mind but I still don't know. I will never know.
Because after all, it was probably just dust. Funny how I kind of miss that dust.
Note: As I got ready to publish this last night I turned to my nightstand again and was drawn to read my Jesus Calling book. I try to read it each day before I get out of bed in the morning but sometimes I forget. Instead of reading last night's I decided to look ahead. I turned the page to today, May 6th, and this was the scripture.
2 Corinthians 4:18 - So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.