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For most of us who are parents, whether by birth or adoption, the thought of "giving back" a child is incomprehensible. When considering the recent case of Dutch diplomats Raymond and Meta Poeteray -- who chose to relinquish their adopted Korean daughter, Jade, due to her failure to "fit in" -- that inability to understand is fast turning to rage across the internet.
If you have somehow missed the story, the key piece of information here is that Jade was adopted as an infant -- seven years ago. This is not a case of cold feet or even the end of an intense but relatively brief post-adoption struggle, this is a young girl being given up by the only parents she's ever known. The situation's horror is of course magnified by the fact that the parents are public figures, and the media is not holding back:
Jade was adopted at the age of four months in January 2000 by the Dutch diplomat, who was working in South Korea, and his wife. At the time, the woman reportedly believed she was infertile, but the couple have since had two children of their own. They moved to Hong Kong in July 2004 and early last year decided they did not want Jade any more and left her in the care of Hong Kong’s Social Welfare Department.
[...]
Dutch daily De Telegraaf said Jade had been discarded like “a piece of household rubbish.'" The South China Morning Post of Hong Kong on Saturday carried an interview with an Indonesian woman who worked as a nanny for Jade in Jakarta, where Poeteray was posted before coming to Hong Kong, in 2004. She said the couple treated Jade quite differently from their own children and the woman rarely hugged the girl.
The Poeterays are being decried as heartless monsters who never really loved their daughter. Debates about whether Jade should remain in Hong Kong or be returned to her homeland of Korea (though she doesn't speak the language) abound. The bottom line remains: What were these people thinking? How do you just return a child who's been in your family for seven years?
Jae Ran posts eloquently on various aspects of the case over at Kimchi Mamas, including putting her finger right on the hot button:
The return of Jade seems especially egregious because from the news reports out there, the reasons seem highly superficial; that Jade's parents Raymond and Meta Poeteray had two biological children after thinking they were infertile, or blaming Jade's issue with being a picky eater. My guess is that neither of these issues were the real reason Jade was abandoned.
Jade's parents probably believed that adopting a child would make their lives complete and never thought much about the reality of having an adopted child. There is speculation that their status as a high ranking diplomat, wealthy and educated and with many connections, helped them adopt Jade. Whether or not it's true, perhaps they just felt incredibly entitled to have what they wanted and at the time they wanted Jade. But whatever reasons they had for adopting, it seems they never really truly claimed her as their child. They didn't obtain citizenship for her so now Jade is a girl without a county. They didn't attach to a child they had at 4 months old. I wonder how much pre-adoptive training this couple had. Or were they too "privileged" to have to go through training?
The Poeteray's blame Jade for the dissolution, but my guess is they were unprepared to deal with their own emotional baggage in terms of adopting transracially and internationally. Unfortunately there are a lot of adoptive parents out there who have the same misconceptions, and a lot of adoption agencies who will allow them to sit in merry little la-la land.
C.J. Redwine of The Last Word is in the process of adopting from China, and titles her post on the matter Considering Killing a Dutchman:
[W]hat I found telling was the father's comment in an open letter to a Dutch newspaper: "We are Jade's parents. We feel responsible for her well-being."
Unbelievable.
You feel responsible for her well-being? What about love? I can promise you that I do a whole lot more than feel "responsible" for my children's well-being. I feel responsible for my plants. I feel all-consuming love for my kids.
She continues on to point out how this high-profile situation impacts every hopeful adoptive parent:
This is a tragedy for Jade and a blow to the cause of international adoption. Stories like this
