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Eating Alone: When Your Child Is Lonely at School
by Rita ArensWhen we moved to the suburbs, my daughter left behind a tight-knit daycare posse she'd been with since she was just a year old. The new school was better, had more toys, a bigger playground, more educational opportunities, more parties, better food. She didn't care. It didn't have her friends. And for a few weeks, every time I dropped her off, my heart would break in half as I looked back to see her sitting all alone at the breakfast table, staring at the other kids.
God, I could cry just thinking about it. I should've done this awesome idea from Grrltravels:
One day I sent her in with an obnoxiously large "necklace" crafted from orange ribbon, the left over plastic wrapper from the 4x6 photo paper, and two photos of Z., one with K. and one with me. We talked about the necklace, how Mama and Baba always loved her and always thought about her and would take her to preschool and would always, always, always pick her up too. About how if she felt sad or lonely at school she could look at the photos of us and think about us and know that we were coming soon to get her.
Of course, a year and a half later, she's made new friends. When we walk in now, she's greeted with a chorus of half-pints yelling her name. But she's four. Kids are pretty open-minded when they're four. I know there will probably be another time when I have to drop her off somewhere only to look back and see her sitting alone.
Kristen writes her of her son, who is six, and lonely on the playground.
Right then in there, I wanted to snatch him up in my arms and shelter him from this world we live in. I wanted to put a magic shield around him so that he never had to feel alone again. I wanted him to know that someday…hopefully soon… his kindness and warm heart will matter so much more to the world than his ability to play kickball.
Perhaps the worst cases of loneliness are the ones kids feel at college, which for many is the first time they've been away from home longer than a week. Trying to fit in and working on self-discovery at the same time is no picnic. This post from Stephanie sums up the pain of college better than anything I've ever read:
For instance at home, you meet someone you like through school, you end up hanging out a few times, at school, events, parties, and then they become your friend, and then you start hooking up and it goes from there. Here your first impression means so much, that you may not come off the way you want to and no one really gives you a chance to prove who you really are. And because those first impressions are so pressured, you usually don't come off as you like.
Fitting in, finding friends, feeling self-confident -- all things a parent can't do for a child. We can barely fit in and find our own friends, let alone anyone else's. The pain of watching your child be lonely is so intense because loneliness is such a universal experience. Everyone has been lonely at some point.
There is value in loneliness, though -- it forces us to overcome shyness or social anxiety to connect with other people. Loneliness, like stress or worry, can be the natural driver we need to get us off the chair and into Circle Time. Teaching kids to recognize their emotions and figure out how to use them productively is the best we can do. We can't take their loneliness away. We can just tell them they are loved.
Rita Arens authors Surrender, Dorothy and is the editor of mommyblog anthology Sleep Is for the Weak.
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Comments
Very Timely
I can't thank you enough for writing this. The twins just started school and they are having a hard time making friends. A lot of worrying being done by the adults and a lot of tears before school each day by the kids. I have to keep reminding myself that this will pass and a year and a half from now will look very different.
Thank you.
Venting about infertility since 2006
www.stirrup-queens.blogspot.com
and we're not talkin' cowgirls...
Beautiful Post.
I was lonely for a long time at school, I can't imagine my daughter going through that... though I know at some point it will happen. You are right, it does serve a purpose. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch :(
Thank you.
Fantastic post
This one really tugged at the heart strings. Best of luck to you
Heather B. of
Http://www.Myquestforsanity.blogspot.com
Tears
You brought tears to my eyes with this post. I was that lonely shy kid at school. I fell in love with books during that time. It did make me more willing to step outside my comfort zone. Now I have 3 kids 2 social butterflies who have never meant a stranger and one very lonely shy kid. My heart breaks for him so many days because he seems sad so often but I know that time will end. I also feel better for him as I know what it is like and let him know I understand and that he will be OK.
Michelle
I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/
School counselors can help
I personally think parents should be very proactive in helping kids learn how to make friends. It's a skill, just like every other skill kids need to learn in school. I would start with asking the teacher if there is help available. Even in Utah where the schools are sorely underfunded, we have a school counselor who organizes "friend groups" and teaches kids friend-making skills.
There are very specific skills that help with making friends that can also be taught at home if there is no help available at school, things like saying hello, smiling, giving compliments, and most important of all, asking someone to play. In our school program, kids make a goal of doing one of these things and then report back at the end of the week about how often they have remembered to do it. Our counselor is wonderful about teaching these skills in a context of "other people like people who behave in a certain way" and reassuring kids that there is nothing wrong with learning how to be a friend.
I'd also encourage parents to ask the teacher if there are other kids in the class who may not have a lot of friends, and then urge their child to invite those kids over to their house to play. Not every one of those playdates will "click" and result in an instant friend, but some of them might. Targeting out other kids who need a friend will yield better results than just asking a kid "Who do you want to invite over to play?"
I know it can be heartbreaking when your child is going through something like this, but I've seen instances where a very pro-active effort like I'm describing has been really helpful.
Kalyn Denny
Kalyn's Kitchen
YES!
As a school counselor, I have to thank you, Kalyn, for reminding everyone that we are out there! We are there for.your.children. Call us. Tell us what you need/see/fear. We can help. We want to help. It's why most of us became counselors to start with - and why, in the face of huge caseloads and ridiculous paperwork, we stay.
Notions of Identity
My teen feels lonely
My daughter is in middle school. I know she feels lonely sometimes even though she is really popular and has a lot of friends. I know that she feels more mature because she has had more life experience than most kids here age and therefore, she ends up "dumbing herself down" or not being her true self in order to fit in. I know a lot of people who have felt this way, it's just so hard to watch!
Great topic,
Giyen
Bacon Is My Enemy
The lunch monitor was a BIG help for us!
When my oldest started kindergarten this summer, like your daughter, Rita, he was faced with leaving his comfy preschool for the great unknown. To compound the problem, he has severe food allergies that forced segregation for his own safety. At his preschool, they could manage to find a lunch mate who was safe, but they were dealing with only 30 kids. There are 600 at his grade school.
The isolation didn't seem to bother him much -- he might even have liked being king of his own peanut-free table -- but it did me.
A few weeks into the year, though, a friendly cafeteria monitor with a strong resemblance to Santa Claus (why is it that so many truly nice people look like Santa?) took it upon himself to find Big Guy a dining companion every day. He's never been alone since.
I love that man!
Debra Legg
9to5to9
Wonderful!
I think one of the most important things a parent can do for their children is to overcome their own insecurities and hang-ups to show theid kids how to live! Shy parents have had to put themselves aside and sing at circle time, introverted parents have had to lead groups in classroom activities. Showing you children that you are not afraid, that you will survive the "humiliation" gives them confidence in themselves, via YOUR example.
And yes, I agree that a little loneliness, here and there, is valuable and important too - so we try to encourage our kids to "take a break" we don't overschdule them and we cross our fingers that by the time they are ready for college, they will be looking forward to that alone time - just like I was when I was college-bound!
Stop Screaming I'm Driving!