The Empty Cradle

Yes, absolutely. If I were to, at random, say, "Children are a mistake," I would wholeheartedly expect a negative response. However, when someone tells me, without any indication of opinion (I just think, in my opinion, the way I see it, etc) that I'm making a mistake by not having children, and I reply that I THINK having children is the mistake (which was the conversation that prompted that sentence up there), I don't expect any backlash at all. I expect the person who began the issue by being inappropriate in the first place to accept that I'm treating them as they're treating me, but simply having enough class to dress an opinion as an opinion when I do so.

It's not disagreements that upset me, it's certainly not different lifestyles. My only issue (and I swear, I DID try to make it clear, I just stumble once in a while at getting fast thoughts out via slow typing) is those who think nothing of announcing their opinion as fact, but then take issue with me when I do that very thing.

Even if I though it, I would never announce that without provocation at someone who wanted children. That's the difference between myself and the sadly high number of people I've been forced into these debates with.

If you say, in a blanket way, "Having children is a mistake." then yes, I would debate that with you.  It may be a mistake for you.  I'm fine with someone stating that about oneself.  But based upon how you formulated your words above, it sounded more like a generalization - having children is a mistake, IN GENERAL.  I'd debate you on that. 

But I'm scrappy and I like to debate. 

I think if you put it out there, you ought to be prepared to deal with the fallout of it.  Have an opinion, stand by it, but be prepared that others will disagree, and vocally so.  If you don't want to deal with the fallout, then don't put it out there. 

For the record, my opinion is that many people are downright rude when it comes to delving into the childbearing choices of others.  Generally, the intent is not to offend - often it's just conversation, even banter.  I have 5 daughters and could tell you about how often people made comments about "When you gonna have that BOY?" or "They know what causes that now!"  I chose not to take offense because I didn't think any ill-intent was present.  But plenty of people - child-free and breeders alike - put up with commentary about their choices here.  How many, what gender, how close, when, etc.  And if you ARE a parent, then you are further subjected to people's opnions on how you raise them, etc. 

I do wish people would be more careful with their words, probes, questions, comments, regarding this topic.  But I don't think any of it comes from a place of hurtfulness.  I've seen this topic come up and people will say "Oh, I never even considered anyone would take offense at my playful jab about 'When are you going to have another?' and yet here I am reading that people find this intrusive and rude."  So I think it's ignorance mixed with the fact that people have different tolerances.  Like I said, it never bothered me when people made comments about trying for a boy but I know others who would blow their stack over such a thing, because they perceived it as saying "girls aren't good enough" (or vice versa). 

JustLinda

 fabulously imperfect Nothing to See Here... Just Linda ( http://justlinda.net )

Twitter @JustLindaSTL ( http://twitter.com/JustLindaSTL )

that there are people in this world who have no compunction about forcing their own views and opinions on others.  

I live in a tiny town, where a good number of the folks in town start having babies at 18 and keep having children until the women are either physically unable to manage another pregnancy or there are 8 or 9 kids in the family. I've had other moms ask me about having more children.  They look at me agog when I say that I'm happy with my two kids and I won't have more.  "But what about your husband?  Is he happy with that?  He must want more children--how can you just decide not to have more?" (Of course, that sets my teeth on edge in about six different ways!)

I wouldn't ask them why they choose to have so many children, or suggest that they would be happier if they just stopped having kids.  I wouldn't suggest that they are missing out, or don't truly understand what it is to be happy/tired/in love/etc. because of the choices they have made for themselves.  It's absurd to think that we're all wired the same way and endeavor to the same goals and lifestyles. I'm sorry that you are subjected to such ignorance from people who feel entitled to comment on your personal choices.

And, truth be told, I confess to a little childless-by-choice envy myself!

~Margaret

Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com )

..and I love them feircely...BUT....But I ended up with kids because I was in the first instance too scared to have an abortion (Because I thought it would hurt!! LMAO..naturally I put 9 months later to the back of my mind) I was also 3 months along when I found out, so it would have been a late abortion. Then when you have one you think "Hmm maybe a brother or sister..." and then I had no.2 and he was such a good baby that in a rush of post natal hormones I got pregnant again!

My point is that I never planed to have kids. They where NEVER on the agenda. My life was great...it still is great...but different great.

Every one tells you how much you gain by having kids and its all true BUT everyone glosses over how much you lose as well..as though all the plus points make up for the negatives.

Sometimes I sit in my house and day dream of living alone in a small cottage, only myself and maybe a couple of dogs to look out for. No frantic meal times, no school sh!t, no washing clothes for 5 people everyday. Able to stay up late because I know I won't be woken up at 2 am (and 4, and possible 5 as well). Able to spend the day out and not worry about finding food and drink and rest for children, only having to pack an apple and a bottle of water for myself ..good to go.

Me and my husband don't even have the advantage of family close by, so we rearly go for meals, never go to the cinema, have never had a holiday or even weekend break without the kids.

Do I sound bitter?

I hope not, because of course I will say that if I was given the chance to do it again I would, in a heartbeat. I love my kids.

I like to think that I'm just being honest.

I envy the childless by choice couples. I envy the freedom and I envy chance they have to live the lives THEY want without compromise.

My children, inadvertently, dictate how and where we live. Without the kids me and my husband would probably be living in a yurt in some woods somewhere! lol.

I'm not "totally fine" with your choice..I'm insanely jealous ;)       

Is it your flab or your brain you need to fight? Answers on a postcard please. My blog is HERE ----> http://thealmostcarlessfamily.blogspot.com/ Ah go on..you know you want to peek ;)

Life is all about making lifestyle choices. No one will ever fully understand why someone makes choices that differ from their own. 

I'm glad that you are comfortable saying that in public.  I think it takes a lot of guts.  I've said many times that I would have an abortion if I got pregnant, and I'm lucky enough that no one says anything negative to me about it.  Of course, they probably know better than that.  :)

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants ( http://cussandotherrants.com ) and is the author of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track ( http://offthebeatensubwaytrack.com ).

The only person whose lifestyle I have the authority to "judge" is my own, and I didn't write this post; therefore, I have no right to pass judgment on it.  Neither has anyone else.

The child-free people I know personally are as happy as the parents I know; neither has any kind of award to claim.  No two people in the world are alike, and both of them are damn glad of it.  (Not original, but can't remember the source.)

Why should one family criticize another family because of different choices?  (I do not speak here of abuse or genuine dysfunction; those CRY OUT for "interference")  I think sometimes that people with difficult children criticize childless people because of jealousy more than anything else.  People with normal children can't comprehend how ANYONE could be fulfilled without children.  Seriously, the fault here is usually with the parents, at least in my experience.

I've known many people who had no children and wished they had, people who had no children and thanked God, fasting, daily for that fact, people who had children and couldn't imagine any other way of life, and people who had children and wish they didn't.  And everything in between.

Other people's choices are not our choices.  If they are, it's a coincidence. If they aren't, it's none of our business.

If someone is happier, or unhappier, than we are, it probably has nothing to do with children anyway.  We're all as happy or unhappy as we allow ourselves to be.  Some of the happiest people I know live under conditions I can't even imagine putting up with.  Some of them have kids; some don't.

I try to butt out of both, unless I'm asked.

People who can't seem to leave others alone have their own problems that nothing said here could probably fix.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

You didn't alienate me at all. If I found myself pregnant tomorrow, I'd abort and I wouldn't change my mind either.

Blog away, I won't tell you that you'll change your mind or that you should change your mind. I swear. (In fact I tend to have the opposite problem, which is just as bad - I've been grouchy when some childfree folks DID change their minds... but that's another story.)

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )