The Virtual Baby Shower

Dear Readers,

It’s cold in Portland and Haley has been hibernating with a dude all weekend. I tell you this to explain why you’re only hearing from me at the moment. Haley is too busy having sex to write her normal Sunday night post. She assures me that Monday is a new day and she “has a ton of good stuff to write.”

Some of you may be thinking, Elaine, you sound jealous. That’s pathetic. Hate the game not the player. Well, to be honest, I am a bit jealous. While Haley spent the day “experimenting,” I was at a five-hour baby shower.

There simply is nothing worse than a baby shower.

I would rather spend the night in a homeless shelter, play scrabble with George W. Bush, or attend a Jews for Jesus weekend conference than attend one more god-awful baby shower.

I propose an end to baby showers as we know them.

I know what all you future mommas are thinking: Elaine, that’s bullshit. I’m sure when you were pregnant with Baby G someone threw you a shower and you got a bunch of great stuff. What about the rest of us?

Yes, that’s true. I did have a baby shower and many of my friends, including Haley, suffered through it, and I felt bad. So I’ve devised a solution that I think will make everyone happy: The Virtual Baby Shower.

Here’s how it works (I’ll use Haley and myself as an example): When Haley gets married and knocked up (please God), I, as her bff, will throw her a virtual baby shower. I will send a letter to all the people she would have invited to a real baby shower, explaining that we are saving them the pain of such an event, but that they still need to send Haley a gift. I will provide info about where she is registered and what she wants.

Am I brilliant or what? It’s a win-win for everyone. Haley gets all of the gifts that she would have gotten at a baby shower, while her friends/family get to spend their Sunday doing whatever the hell they want! Sometimes, I could just pat myself on the back.

If, for some reason, my idea does not take off right away, I offer the following advice for those of you forced to attend the traditional five-hour, non-alchoholic, let’s-play-stupid-games shower: First, DO NOT DRAG YOUR HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND WITH YOU. Even if it’s a co-ed shower. (What genius thought of that dumb idea?) Women, in this instance you need to take one for the team. The key to my happy marriage is that Nathan does not take me on god-awful camping trips or force me to listen to jam-band music, and I do not take him shopping or to baby showers. Why should both of you suffer? Trust me on this one.

Second, while I am not condoning drug use, I would highly suggest that you consider smoking pot before a baby shower. Think about it as medical marijuana; without it, you could end up spiraling downward into a deep depression. So it’s just like taking a Tylenol.

Is anyone with me on this, or am I the only one who does not enjoy the traditional Sunday afternooon baby shower?

Elaine
www.girlgonechild.com