Epiphany

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Just as I hit save I was hit by an epiphany.

According to Jon Gabriel, one of the big things that keeps people from being the thin sexy beasts they want to be is "mental obesity". Not a fan of the term, but it made me think about something.

I started to put on weight around the age of 19. I'd just initiated a break-up with my first real boyfriend (partly because we were incredibly incompatible, and partly because his mother treated me like dirt - wasn't good enough for her precious eldest boy - not bitter at all...), just moved into my second year of university and just got a new job at a patisserie. I'd moved from an Arts degree to an Arts/Law degree and was hating every second of it. I hated the opinionated little first years who thought they were 'all that' in my law classes, I hated the content of the classes, I hated everything. I was so FULL of hate. I just wanted to be invisible, I felt ugly and fat for the first time in my life. I didn't want to be noticed because I was convinced that people would just look at me and go 'eugh, who's that girl, she's disgusting'. I built this big wall between me and the world. I cut off from my parents, I cut off from my friends, I went through a string of unfulfilling and really emotionally damaging short-term relationships with men who took me for granted and made me feel worthless. I think this is where it all started. I was abusing myself. Not long after I also began to physically hurt myself, because watching my own blood roll down my arm was easier to deal with, easier to control than everything I was feeling. My grandfather had a stroke and had to move into a respite facility. My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My life was just one big whirlpool of emotions that I couldn't control.

I'm no longer filled with that hate and that loss of control but I think the wall might still be there. I've just put up a different face on it to show to the world. I need to break down that wall.

Judging by the tears rolling down my face I think I've definitely just had an epiphany.