Ethical Dilemmas: Your Neighbor's Kid Confides in You

Firstly, since there are so many different layers to this ethical dilemma, it is very hard to figure out what the right way to handle this would be.

I think is very possible that this question may have been asked for a "friend" that Sarah is asking for. Maybe Sarah was worried that her parents would figure out who this "friend" is and tell her parents. Maybe Sarah was worried they'd keep her away from this "friend." Another possibility, is that the "friend" is Alyssa.

Personally, I think that whatever I would do would completely depend on the situation. First, I'd really talk to her and try to determine if this is Sarah in this situation or not. Secondly, find out why she is afraid to talk with her parents about this. Ask her, how she thinks they'd react. Then, I'd give her all of the information I could find on STDs and teen pregnancy. If I still thought it was herself that she was talking about, I would talk to her about her future. From my experience, being told that you have every opportunity to live whatever life you want, that you still have a chance to do anything you want as an adult, and not to mess it up works pretty well.

Also, I have felt, with certain kids that it was more important for them to have someone to trust than to uphold any obligations to their parents. I knew a girl thats mother was an awful parent, was sincerely probably the dumbest person I ever knew, and hadn't an ounce of class. She confided in me about a few things and I tried to help by talking to her. Everything turned out well.

I hope I gave you some good insight.

But then again I'm liberal. We all want our kids to talk to us about these kinds of things, but sometimes they won't. I would rather my child had a confidant who would give her responsible advice. Take her to get checked out. Buy her a box of condoms, and let her know that she has an advocate when she decides to talk to her parents. Also teens should know that they can ask their parent to leave during a doctors appointment so they can discuss sexual health issues.

The words you choose to give to your neighbor's daughter present a dilemma only because of cultural mores that, when you think about it, are more arbitrary than anything else. Cultural mores used to serve purposes like insuring the survival of the group, but I digress. One must look at the larger picture of the situation, what is truly in the best interest of Sarah? I would tell Sarah what I knew to be fact rather than belief; it may be vague but with HIV and antibiotic resistant strains of other STDs, you are literally holding her life in your hands. You cannot ignore her family's religious, political, or cultural beliefs, but you can give her honest, factual answers within the scope of those things.

Just because a 13 year old girl asks about STDs or birth control does not in any way mean she is contemplating sexual activity; it means, at it's core, that she is maturing into a woman and who could send a young, naive woman out into this world ignorant of it? Even if her family teaches and expects abstinence from her until marriage, she is still not safe from these things. Does anyone wait until their parents give permission before they become sexually active? And what about rape, or a very persuasive man, or even just giving in to her own curiosity or urges?? And lastly, how would you feel if you denied her this knowledge and she contracted HIV or antibiotic resistant syphilis? That is truly where the dilemma lies.

I stepped away from the conversation to soon! Yes,she has permission to help without telling me. I, of course, chose this person because of our similiar values and because I think in the long run I will be brought in on the situation.

Mandy W.

FourAgainstTwo.com

I don't have any kids, but if I did, the short answer is "I would want my hypothetical daughter to feel like she could come to me with her problems, WHATEVER they are."

The problem I'm trying to illustrate is that by the time she goes to a neighbor, she's demonstrating that she doesn't trust her parents to do the right thing by her (in her estimation) if she goes to them with the question.

I feel that level of trust is absolutely necessary, but a lot of parents don't cultivate that with their kids because they're too busy playing "I'm the boss".

Another problem is that by going to a neighbor, she's putting the family business in the streets. As embarrassing as she might feel it is for her or for her parents, she's still willing to bare her soul to someone outside the family.

This is why I was saying the neighbor has an opportunity to carry that weight because otherwise, she's going to learn about everything from her peers, who may or may not have her best interests in mind when they tell her what she should do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as parents, you don't want to be outside of the loop. You don't want to be the people that have to hear about what your kid did from a neighbor, from parents of a kid she talked to at school, from the local free clinic and certainly not from the cops.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

The hug is definitely a good place to start! And an excellent reminder that "all parents can make the same mistakes"..

Thanks!

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Thanks for your comment..it hits the center of the dilemma -- if she is talking about "a friend", then why come to you instead of her parents? Let's assume that she makes it clear that she is sexually active, if only by some "slip" or inference.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

I would certainly start with a hug, and a lot of listening, to learn as much as I could about the situation, her own emotions, if she's been in dangerous, etc.

It would be after this discussion that I would decide whether to speak to her parents by myself, or to encourage her to do it with me or alone. But it would be non-negotiable to involve her parents.

The two factors that I would keep foremost in my mind is that she is a child; and that it doesn't matter what her parents' background is - all parents can make the same mistakes regardless of their penchants. It is their child, and it is not my responsibility to make decisions about the child's future and make lengthy plans, especially regarding her health, without their input - no matter how nervous the child is to talk to them or no matter whether I feel that I am going to make a wiser decision.

Leah writes and photographs at Just Plucking Daisies ( http://justpluckingdaisies.com ) about everything from the humdrum to catastrophes.  If there isn't a silver lining, it can at least be humorous, right?

I'm certain that if I found out my child talked to a neighbor about a health-related or other problem, it would disturb me on a deep, parental level. But I'd also like to think that I would use this as a teachable moment for myself rather than lash out at the neighbor or my child. There's a lot of learning to be had from our own defensive reactions.

I'd give them information first and assume the "friend" is them later. I was in a similar situation when I was 16, where I was asking for information for an actual friend (I asked my mom about the symptoms of pregnancy). My mom thought I was talking about myself and tried to get ME help. The fact that she wouldn't believe me was frustrating. It also hurt and was embarrassing, especially since I had to prove I was telling the truth (mortifying). Don't act unless she tells you she thinks she has an STD.

If she is sexually active, her parents should be informed. She is not old enough to make her own decisions. If she expresses fear that she will be harmed, social workers should be brought in.

How would you feel if she were YOUR 13 year old daughter....would you want to know?

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

That's an interesting approach to the neighbor's mom! I hadn't thought of that!

mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Hey Mata. :)

To speak first to "Katastrophes"' point.. I see where you're coming from, however, you're assuming that the child is the property of her parents as opposed to an individual human being.

Did they birth her? Yes. Do they pay for her to eat and have shelter and clothing? Yes. Does that mean that your only allegiance is to them? No.

The reason why I used "rat her out" is that you have to consider her state of mind in approaching you. She's *TRUSTING* you to give her the right advice. She's TRUSTING you not to tell her parents that she came to you. I feel that this trust should be recognized and not tossed away as if it's meaningless because what if she's already decided that she's NOT going to trust her parents and you're her last hope before she decides to learn whatever she needs to in the streets, from the other kids and whomever gets their hands on her because she refused to confide in the adults in her life?

It's definitely "ratting" because if you do it, you destroy the trust she had in you in the first place and you'll never get that back.

That's why I said it's up to you whether you want to carry that burden or not. If you don't, then either coach her to tell her parents or go ahead and tell them yourself. Just realize that you had an opportunity to be someone important and a guiding influence to her, REGARDLESS of whom her birth parents are.

It's that whole "Takes A Village" thing. If everyone abdicates responsibility, no guidance occurs.

--

As far as speaking with her AND her parents, I could see speaking to her and convincing her that speaking to them is the right thing to do and offering to approach them with her in case she was afraid of their initial reaction.

I couldn't see dragging her to her parents and forcing her to tell them because it's the same effect as telling on her yourself, if not worse.

I guess my point is that I don't see her parents as a total loss, but you have to consider the fact that there are lots of kids that NEVER turn to ANY adults whatsoever and I think they're always worse off for that.

If she came to the neighbor, she has some level of trust in that person. I think instead of squandering that trust by rigidly aligning one's self with her parents just because y'all happen to be around the same age is a disservice to the daughter, whom for some odd reason has built a rapport with you where she's willing to confide something in you that will definitely get her in trouble with her parents.

If you can't respect that and treat her as a human being that's coming to you for guidance and help and you insist on treating her as someone's property, you're not built to carry this weight and getting the parents involved, ASAP, is definitely the way to go.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

When I was in high school, I was a peer advisor for a health-and-sexuality program for teens that was part of our local Planned Parenthood-like organization. I talked with many teens who didn't feel comfortable talking to their parents, who needed information, knew they needed help, but didn't know where to turn.

In this situation, I'd offer basic information -- facts, numbers, resources. I'd encourage her to try to talk to her mom about her "friend" anyway. And then I'd try to start a conversation with her parents, maybe asking them for their insight into another (pretend) mom's dilemma or saying that I've heard about kids at school who are facing this issue. Chances are, they wouldn't want to talk to me about it, but I would still try.

If the situation was reversed, and it was my child seeking info? I would hope that the person my child went to would offer her information and facts -- and then let me know.

(And if she inisisted she couldn't talk to her mom? I'd definitely give her the information she was looking for. Yes, she should be able to talk to her mom first. But not every kid is so lucky.)

Write. Edit. Repeat. ( http://writeeditrepeat.blogspot.com )

Good point -- to not just assume you know why she won't talk to her parents....excellent point, in fact!

mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

I suppose I would have to start off by asking her exactly why she feels she cannot talk to her parents?

It would depend on why she is telling me.

If she is telling me because she trusts me, she might open up enough to share the fact that her older sister was thrown out of home for a similar situation, that her mother tried to commit suicide last year, or that her uncle is the guilty party.

But if she is only speaking to me because I am the equivalent of the school nurse - somebody that she does not have a complicated relationship with or an emotional investment - then it would be pretty difficult to get enough information from her to base my decision on.

Great answer. What if she tells you she cannot tell her Mom?

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Hi! I am happy to answer this. I was the kid of religious parents who were extremely Roman Catholic. As I thought about various ideas for this series of ethical dilemmas, I started to invent circumstances that would generate conflict. If the neighbors were of the same beliefs as each other, there isn't the same level of ethical conflict. Please note that I created them as very positive people and excellent and cooperative neighbors. However, as I thought back to my own childhood, I recalled my folks' hesitancy to talk about sex as anything more than something I shouldn't ever do until I as married. My mother couldn't even tell me about STDs because she didn't know about them.

I do indeed think many "religious people" discuss sex with their children, even more than mine did. And I also think "religious people" can be liberal, too. It was never my intent to offend, just to create a scene that had conflicts in it on multiple levels in order to stimulate conversation -- like this one.

Thanks for commenting -- keep 'em coming!

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Good point --->"How can I be there to guide or support my child if I don't even know her, or what she is doing?"

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

While it is true that 'in the end she is their child and it is their right to bring her up in the manner that they see fit" as you say -- is it ever appropriate to help a child see that there are other viable alternatives? After all, the parents offered to take you to their church meetings so you and your children could see their perspective......just wondering...

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

How would you assess whether or not to involve the parents?

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Do you assume the parents are a total loss? How do you assess whether or not this really is "the final frontier"? One comment suggested talking with the parents and the daughter. Is that ever wise?

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

A recent survey ( http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/27706917/ )showed that the average age girls were starting to have sex in America was 15, so this isn't too far from average, although still alarming, I agree. The fact is that kids in America are making alarming choices every day. Any of the possibilities could be true -- or not. What would you do? Would you try to find out?

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

What a phenomenally wonderful idea! To select someone that your kids love is a great plan -- esp since you have given her advance permission to help them. Have you given her permission to help them in confidence without telling you?

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Nice question! And tough. And tricky. The girl needs someone to confide in, and she also needs medical attention. In some states, she is entitled to medical treatment without her parent's consent. Still, the advice I'd give would include talking to her mom and giving her a chance to help develop a mutual solution.

I would have to say, unequivocally, I would gently tell her that this is something she needs to discuss (or, that "her friend" needs to discuss) with the parents. I would expect and hope the same would be true if the situation were reversed. She is only 13 and regardless if her parents and I disagree politically or religiously, she's still their child, not mine. They have the right to parent her as they see fit and I would not overstep their boundaries nor would I find it fair for them to be in the dark while I make judgment calls like taking her to Planned Parenthood, etc.

On a sidenote: why is it that these hypotheticals always have the religious/politically conservative parent with the kid having sex or with the problems they "can't tell their parents"? Is it an attempt at a subtle in-your-face to this portion of the population? Do you think religious parents don't talk to their kids about sex? Do you think religious kids don't have sex? Help me out here.

No matter how close you may feel to this child, she is in fact not your child.
This information is something that her parents need to know, in case of STD's, pregnancy, and abuse.
I think that the best idea would be to tell her that she has to talk to her parents about this, offer to go with her for support if she's nervous.
Also, realize that there could be some very strong emotions on the part of the parents, hurt would be one, perhaps even anger that you are butting into their family's private matters.
This girl came to you, perhaps not because she mistrusts her parents, but because she has no emotional investment in you. Your reaction is unimportant because she doesn't love you and worry about having that love revoked due to her actions.
So, when going to support her it's important to not overstep but be neutral. You are there to support her, not attempt to get her parents to handle it the same way you would.
Perhaps by getting her to sit down and talk about this with her parents it would open up the lines of communication, and in a way you'd be helping to strengthen their bond.
I know if it was reversed I'd want to know about it. How can I be there to guide or support my child if I don't even know her, or what she is doing?

I find it interesting that you chose to use the words 'rat her out to her parents' which gives the feeling that perhaps talking to her parents about this would be a bad thing.
You may not agree with the parents stricter, more religious upbringing but in the end she is their child and it is their right to bring her up in the manner that they see fit.
If you think that they'd over react and it wouldn't be safe for this girl, then that would be the only reason to not discuss it with them, but then perhaps child protective services should be involved, since it wouldn't be safe for her if the truth were known.

This scenario depends on whether you're willing to accept the weight of your neighbor's daughter's growth & development.

If you're willing to carry it, treat her like as if your own daughter had asked you for advice and give it to her. Be prepared for her to come back to you with further issues as she becomes more active in life in general, not just with boys.

If you're NOT willing to accept that responsibility, rat her out to her parents.

The point is that whatever they're doing isn't working. You're the final frontier. If she doesn't come to you, she's going to learn about life in the streets and that's not what you want.

They've already dropped the ball because their daughter doesn't trust them with important issues in her life. If she's coming to you as a mentor, you have to decide whether to carry her or let her go.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

First, tell her she's a great friend for asking the hard questions and that you're glad she came to you as a trusted adult.

Second, letting it 'slip' that you know the friend is indeed herself, offer to go with her to talk to her parents, which is what you would want if it were your daughter.

I do not think I'd tell them mom, just STRONGLY encourage her to do it, with or without you. Here's why...the daughter could resent you for telling therefore taking it out on your daughter at school, or other places. Teenagers are MEAN! They can be unbelievably cruel even when (the neighbor girl) her actions are what put you in the situation in the first place.

We tend to assume that a sexually active teenager made the choice to be active.

At 13 she may believe that it is a consensual relationship, but chances are that somebody has pushed her into this.
- general group peer pressure
- early childhood abuse leading to confusion about sex
- current sex abuse

The reason 13 is alarming is because it is likely that she is not making good choices. STD are bad and should be addressed. However, the real danger is that someone is pushing her to make poor choices. Is it possible that there is abuse from within her family? Or that the boyfriend(s) could be a physical threat to her?

"I would also let her know that I have to talk with her parents with or with out her."

I think it very likely that in a situation like this, a child might find comfort in the fact that it is inevitable that her parents will find out, but that she need not be the one to tell them.

But this would not be the case if there were something truly wrong between parent and child. There is a difference between fear of how a parent might react, and fear of how one knows they will react.

I dont have a good answer, but I have another question.

The answer first -

I hope that I would be aware of how the fact that her problem had to do with sex, influenced my decision. I would have to honestly ask myself - "am I acting in this child's best interest to protect her from harm, or am I reacting according to my own rather tangled feelings around sexuality?"

A question that came to me while thinking about his problem: I'm intrigued as to why the story is about a set of unusually strict parents.

Would (or should) I act differently if I simply did not know what her parents would do?

As opposed to this situation, where presumably I suspect they will over - react.

And if her parents would probably react appropriately according to my own beliefs - does that mean that I can over-ride her own judgement and tell them?

I dont know the answer to that one - I suppose it would depend on the exact situation, how well I knew the parents.

I think overall, I would be inclined to help her face her parents, rather than help her without their knowledge.

As an OB nurse I would make sure the girl got treatment..
As a mom. I would encourage her highly to talk to her parents, I would offer to go with her. I would also let her know that I have to talk with her parents with or with out her.
I would give her a little time to make her descion.
This is why I have someone picked out for my girls to talk to. I haven't had this talk with my girls yet (ten and under still), but I have a sister in law the girls adore with a much "cooler" reputation than I have. The girls will be told if they are ever in a rough spot they feel they cannot talk to us about they can go to her and she has our blessing to help them. My sister in law has similar values as us and I trust her judgement.
Mandy W.

FourAgainstTwo.com

Thanks for your reply. This is a tough one to be sure!

mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Firstly, I want to say that I am not a mother. But if something like this ever happened, I would have a lengthy conversation with the girl and then a lengthy conversation with the girl's mother. I understand girls are often scared to talk to their parents about these things and rightly so. parents can get the heat up as we all know, it takes some time for them to cool down.
Which is why it is very important to talk to the mother very carefully.
If the situation is reversed I would want my neighbour to tell me about my child.

Would you have done the same thing if she had not been in the midst of a pregnancy scare, but just confided that shewas sexually active?

Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

It was such a good question you posed -- what is your answer? :-)

Cheers,
Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

See my reply above -- what if the situation was reversed?

Thanks -
Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

Thanks for your comment. It made me wonder...And what if your daughter went to your neighbor -- the same neighbor -- what would you want the neighbor to do?

Thanks again -
Mata

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

A similar thing happened to me. I have a foster home for teenagers and teenagers with babies. I guess this was the reason why a young niece had the confidence to call me up one late evening to tell me that she may be pregnant. Now I'm known to be a real cool and accepting person, non-judgmental and quite modern in outlook and do things my own way regardless of what "convention" may dictate. However, in this instance, I'm afraid that I did not respect the confidentiality she expected of me. I told her mom about it. This was a difficult decision for me to make because I know that my love for her and my credibility as a free thinker/doer, was being challenged. I just felt that I would be doing her a great disservice if I leave her alone to face the problem, ultimately, her whole family would find out anyway. If her fears were naught, then she and her parents could look at the whole scenario and try to find a win-win situation/s for the future.

This is such an interesting problem!

Does one treat her like an adult, or like a child?

And even if I decided that she is not capable of shouldering the responsibilities herself as a child - that also does not mean that she has no right to privacy. I would still feel that there is a responsibility to respect the confidentiality of the conversation.

But I also wonder if the high risk behavior in this case was not to do with sex, would that change my reaction?

If she came to me for help because she stole something, or is being stalked, or any other problem that might invite the censure of her parents - would that be different?

And I'm perfectly willing to admit I may be wrong but...

I would first encourage Sarah to tell her "friend" to talk to her parents and arrange for medical treatment ASAP. But if she reacts strongly against that option, I would likely offer to take her to Planned Parenthood.

Like I said, I'm not sure this is the right thing to do. But it's consistent with what I did 35 years ago when my then 15-year old sister told me she was sexually active.

Then thank her for trusting you and tell her everything she needs to know for her friend. Give her resources like where the local Planned Parenthood is and encourage her to come back if she has any more questions.

When she leaves, remind yourself that the mom next door is a great neighbor but were it to ever come to it, you'd protect a child over preserving neighborly relationships.