Etiquette According to Kayla

So realizing that most social faux pas are simply faux poo, I don’t mean to judge anyone in this blog on modern etiquette. Well, I do mean to judge you, but you mustn’t take my criticism to heart. I’m just one girl, with one opinion and one little blog on which to share it. But actually, if you do any of the below, a lot of people probably hate you. And I say that with the upmost politeness.

–I realize grunting is sometimes uncontrollable when you’re lifting weights. Or when you’re trying to show off. Sometimes even I let out a little peep when my 5-pound dumbbell becomes too much to handle. But giving birth in the gym is simply unacceptable. Some lady was screaming so loudly the other day, I actually looked at her vagina to see if a baby was peeking out. No amount of physical exertion should cause sounds like that. Please keep your grunting down. It’s creepy and annoying. This isn’t a porno.

–Speaking of porno, quit looking at my vagina (unless you think I may be giving birth). I’m talking about the hip abduction machine, which requires you to open your legs wide and squeeze them slowly together. Add some of the above grunting, and Joe Francis has himself a new film. Any girl who has ever worn short-shorts to the gym knows the dangers of this machine. And if old creepers didn’t have wandering eyes, I wouldn’t have to cover myself with a towel. Please keep your eyes to your treadmill. It’s hard to hide a boner in gym shorts.

–”Why are you so distant?” “Why won’t you just talk to me?” “Why did you come home from the gym with a boner?” My all-time favorite Facebook annoyance is when people use public status updates to speak directly to a significant other. My question to you is, “Why are you airing your dirty laundry?” The way I see it, Facebook is a chance to pretend your life isn’t as shitty as that snotty bitch from high school’s life is. It’s an invitation to exaggerate your accomplishments and ignore the fact that your boyfriend is a dick. It’s a chance to crop fat photos and pretend every moment of your life is spent smiling in a bar next to your BFF. Don’t ruin it by sending out a second-person plea into the universe. Please, get a phone and talk out your problems privately. Or don’t. I kinda like knowing all your biz.

PICKING UP A GIRL

–No man should leave the house without a condom and a dictionary in his pocket. Using one of those items will significantly improve your chances of using the other at some point. Because nothing keeps my pants zipped better than a text full of spelling errors. For the past two days, a guy has been referring to me as, “sweeted.” After looking it up on Urban Dictionary and realizing it wasn’t a new slang term of endearment, I can only assume his T9 is fucking up his chances. Not that he stood a chance anyway. He had me cringing at “to night.” Please, if you don’t know how to spell a word, use a synonym. And if you don’t know what a synonym is, don’t even bother texting.

–To be safe, don’t even bother referring to me as anything other than “Kayla.” Dancing with you for one song does not make me your “lil mama.” Please, skip the “shorty” and the “boo” and even the “baby girl.” It’s disingenuous. It’s a play not even true playas can pull off. And it only reminds me of better times with my real boo.

–Finally, a proper first date is NOT “watching a movie” at your house. Such an offer makes me think that you’re 1) poor, 2) horny, or 3) all of the above. Dinner and a movie (at the theater) might seem cliche, but it’s not nearly as cliche as a man