Ever Put BOTH Feet in your Mouth?
By BERNTHIS.COM on April 15, 2009
A couple of months ago, I went to my
therapist's office but before I proceeded to bore him to death with my
"issues", I decided to first use the restroom. For this, a key was
required and so, as soon as I walked into the waiting area, I grabbed
what I THOUGHT was the key to the LADIES room.
Now this type of bathroom is the kind where there is ONE stall and a
couple of sinks. Soooo, in I went and was about to begin my business
when I heard someone enter. Naturally, or maybe, unnaturally, I glanced
underneath the stall and saw two big JEAN covered legs attached to two
CONSTRUCTION BOOT covered feet.
Mortified, I went to grab for the key just to reassure myself that I
was in fact in the gender appropriate place but realized that brilliant
me had left it on the counter, next to the sink.
Not knowing what else to do, I proceeded to tell him:
JESSICA: Sir, this is the ladies room.
to which SHE replied:
WOMAN: I know, that's why I'm here.
Well, by now, I was all done and ready to leave but instead of
walking out, I proceeded to plan how I would live out the rest of my
life in this here stall with florescent lighting, a toilet bowl and my
old "issues" to which I had just added a "new" one and was now more
desperate than ever to share.
I then continued to sit inside the stall for over an hour..okay,
minute...until, thankfully, bless the Lord, the lady washed her hands
After this episode, I swore, I would never make an assumption like that again and didn't until last week when...
I went to Forever 21 (because I refuse to believe I'm anything but)
and after trying on several dresses, picked one that not only looked
cute but was age appropriate meaning, I can actually bend down and pick
something up and not have the world seeing the ghosts floating around
in what is now my haunted "girl castle".
As I was leaving, I saw a different dress that I liked better and
thought about trying it on but when I looked back at the dressing room
area, a long line had formed and I decided not to bother. Instead, I
turned to the salesPERSON, who happened to be standing by the rack
reorganizing the other dresses, and asked this PERSON:
JESSICA: Excuse me, do you think I could wear....
Suddenly, I stopped myself because it hit me that this PERSON was a
MAN/BOY and likely wouldn't know if a strapless bra would work
underneath...ANYTHING. Soooo, I changed my mind and said:
JESSICA: Nothing, I'll go ask a gir....
but once more stopped myself because after looking a bit closer it
dawned on me, "Oh my God, MAN/BOY is really a GIRL/TOMBOY and here I go
So confused and not taking any chances, I asked straight out:
JESSICA: Do you think I could wear this with a strapless bra? To
which HE/SHE/THEM gave me a weird look and then began to say something
and although HE/SHE/THEM'S lips were moving, I'm pretty sure no sound
came out, unless I'm now COMPLETELY deaf and to which, of course, led
me to then ask:
JESSICA: Is there a ladies room around here?