Every Picture Tells A Story


I've been mulling a lot lately. I've been overwhelmed. I've been stressed. It's not like you all know me as a stress-free, anxiety-free person. Oh no, that would be too easy and too in a perfect world. But sometimes the sea is calm with small, lapping waves. The water is cold and I feel it in my body but it's nothing I can't handle. And sometimes the waves knock me down over and over and over. Sometimes something new happens and all of my buried issues rise to the surface of the sea.

I should tell you our secret. Our big news. I've hinted at it but never fully said it. We're in the process of buying a house. We haven't closed yet but if all goes well, we will very soon. It's a fabulous house on a fabulous street in a fabulous town in a fabulous state. Things are progressing, easier than I'd have expected. I'm not saying we don't still have hoops to jump through. Oh, we have many. But we've been meeting and working with some pretty exemplary people. It's inspiring, really. If we have this house, when we have this house, I will post photos galore of the process and the moving and the glorious house itself. Think modern rustic. Think comfortable ski lodge with children's area. Think funky, photography, science-fiction, movie prop decor. Think "Happy Family Lives Here." I can't wait to share it with you all. I can't wait to write about this new chapter.

Puppies, chickens, sheep? Probably, definitely, maybe. Alpacas? In my perfect world. Outdoor hot tub? Hey, anything can happen. Which brings me to my stress levels. The time to act and make more money and be my own superhero is...now. It was probably yesterday and last year too, and maybe the year before that and even before that, but...no. The past is past. I have had a delicious time raising my child. She is polite and bright and fun and belly laughter-inducing and wise, wise, so wise beyond her years. I will never regret devoting my time to her. I never emotionally feel otherwise than what I'm doing is so important. However, my bank account disagrees. I'm getting closer than I ever thought possible. I'm learning a lot. I'm networking. I'm thinking. I'm not worthless. I'm not paralyzed. I have a family to think about. Somewhere out there, in the other world, not yet fully formed in my imagination or in the universe, there is another child for me to give birth to or adopt.

That child can only come to be if I figure things the %#$% out.

So I've been thinking. I've been mulling. I've been looking at old photos from my life. Photos from my 35mm camera. Photos that are in my mind today because they show all the places I have been. All the places I may go. Appropriate memories, past moving, animals, love. Every picture tells a story and there is a time when it all began. And a time I knew there was something there - that I had inherited my family's art/writing genes. That there was something I could do. Maybe well.

That there was something that I'd want to do.

Not technically perfect, and maybe I'll rarely think any photo ever is because sometimes life is happening faster than your hands can reach the right settings...but here are some photos that show me that even 10-15 years ago, I was trying and sometimes succeeding in capturing the same things. Raw. Candid. Trapped. Wild. Love. Pain. Life. Uncensored.

When Cassidy and I met at JFK Airport, we drove around together for hours, winding up lost and on the beach of The Hamptons in New York. Oops. Finally we bought a map and wound up where we were headed - New England. This picture was taken late at night in Shelburne Falls, MA - a place we now live close to but this was several years, and lifetimes, before that came to be.

This was at one of the east coast's biggest malls, although I can't recall which one. They're all kinda the same...I was watching these two old men watch the Merry-Go-Round and I snapped a crazy picture. I don't think it was even planned to look like that. The settings were off but I liked it.

Self-portraits taken in my old childhood bedroom, not long before we left the house for good.


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