Every stage of life in one year...Who Does That??

My situation can't possibly be that unique that no one in the world can help me with it.  That's what I used to think but now I'm not so sure.  It's to the point of where I need a series of therapy sessions and so far I have been null in finding a therapist who doesn't patronize me and tell me what  good mom I am.  I don't feel like that sometimes and I just want to say it.  Is that so horrible?  Well if you are wondering if I am a stark raving lunatic, it's possible I might be, but let me tell you why.

In January of 2012, my 35th year of existence, I decided that enough was enough and I was going to get my tubes tied.  The baby making factory was going to be shut down in December if no acts of God or life caused me to get pregnant before that time.  I figured 35 was a good age.  At the time I was a single mom of four kids ranging in age from 16 to 4, so I pretty much had my hands full already.  I was in a good place in my life, my youngest was just  about out of kindergarten, so I had no more daycare to worry about (kindergarten was only half-day), and my oldest was two years away from graduating high school.  Everything was golden, only there was one problem: I was still single.

I wasn't looking for anyone, I had just been released from what I would call the most horrible relationship of my life and I was happy being single, but I was lonely.  Those two elements do not make for a good combination, especially when the only thing you have ever wanted in life was a complete family.  So I was getting comfortable with the idea that I was going to be single and raise my children, alone, and I was ok with that.  Then he came.

At the time I wasn't interested in him at all, not for dating or otherwise.  I was intrigued, but I had heard a lot about him that wasn't all that appealing ( one of those keepers..lol).  However, I took a chance thinking that I could possibly find a companion to hang out with and go bowling.  That turned into a journey that has now entered into the hellfire and I had no idea that it would get this far.

We had a whirlwind relationship and we decided tha we were in love enough to be married.  I  guess I was drunk although I don't remember drinking anything.  We had been talking on Facebook for several years, so in my lonely mind I knew this man.  Our families had been acquainted for years.  His father dated my aunt back in the '60's and they went on vacation together every year.  So I knew of him, but I didn't know him.  In my mind that made for a great husband.  So we decided to get married in May of that year. 

In September, I found out that I was pregnant.  Now remember earlier that act of God that I was talking about? Well this was it.  So I started to resolve my feelings of all-over-the-placeness about this pregnancy.  That mixed with hormones wasn't so great, but I was ok with it.  I was feeling more sickness than usual in the first couple of months, which I thought was highly unusual since I had been pregnant a few times before.  But I didn't think anything of it and just continued on with my pregnancy.  At 11 weeks, I became very ill and decided that it wasn't simply morning sickness and that I better go get checked out.  I wanted to make sure that nothing was wrong with "the baby" since I hadn't had an ultrasound or an appointment with my doctor at that point.  I went into the Emergency Room and I was there for a few hours.  The doctor on call gave me a saline drip and told me I was dehydrated and once the saline was in me I would be on my way.  However, we needed to take an ultrasound first, just to be sure that nothing was awry with "the baby".  I agreed and went in to ultrasound.


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