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The holidays are here, which many divorced and seperated parents dread, because it can mean changes in routine, heightened emotions, and chaos for our kids. How do you survive the holidays and ideally provide a good experience for your children, and equally important, for yourself?
I have done it all. I have handled holidays beautifully, face-to-face with my ex-husband, handing the kid off, "Bye, see you in a few days!" Door closes, deep breath, and get on with your day. Other times I have handed her off while she's been crying, or have gotten her back very unhappy to see me, which is heartbreaking. I can recall one Father's Day hand-off a few years ago that went so horribly wrong it ended up with me going all Jerry Springer in a grocery store parking lot, complete with the finger wag and the neck snap. I am not proud, but I certainly learned something.
Ideally, we want the harmonious scenario, right? There are a million articles about how communication and putting the kids first is the path to us becoming so Buddhalike we can now levitate and fart glitter, with well-adjusted children who will become president and bring us chocolate in our cronedom. Yeah, well, I say the road to neck snapping in a parking lot is paved with good intentions. My children and their happiness is CRAZY important to me, and I will eat the liver of anyone who stands in the way of that, but I want to talk about US and how we feel, which is sometimes confused, furious, and unpleasant.
Here is what I try to think about as the holidays approach:
There Is a Reason We Divorced/Separated
Don't feel bad if you continue to grit your teeth years after the separation. Remember, there is a reason that you split up. If you were married and if you live in the U.S., it is most likely that you initiated the divorce. Even if you did not initiate it yourself, I'm sure there's some things that you were able to tolerate before that now may make you crazy.
Acknowledge that the person in front of you is possibly the most irritating person on the face of the planet and try to let it go. I take a minute and think about the good things in my life now, and I'm not just talking about the results of having your ex gone, like sleeping with all five of the books I am reading and with a cat on my head. I am talking about things I have done myself, or positive changes that have come into my life post-separation. (Or just positive things that survived the trainwreck, like the fact that I have recently started running again.)
The happy/sad fact of the high break-up rates in the U.S. is that you likely have a friend who has been through your situation, and it can be a real relief to swap war stories with them. Maybe just don't put these thoughts into email if you are famous: Alex Rodriguez scampered off to be with Madonna for Turkey Day, and Cynthia Rodriguez's venting email was leaked to the press. That sucks! Thanks a lot, non-friend.
Let the Parenting Plan Do the Talking
I will admit that hearing the words "parenting plan" spoken out loud pretty much makes my ears bleed (much like the words "playdate" but that's another story). If a separation is/was contentious, many parents find that they need to rely heavily on their parenting plan. As frustrating as it is on the occasions when my ex attempts to ignore it or bend the rules to suit his agenda, I am glad it's there as something to fall back on. When we start getting confused, it's easy to whip it out and treat it as ironclad. (Plus, if motherhood ate half of my brain/memory, then divorce seems to have eaten the other half. Sometimes I am convinced I am now 98% goldfish.)
We try to remind each other at that moment of conflict escalating that the plan was something we agreed upon and signed off on before divorcing. This is not to say it always goes perfectly, though. Sometimes you get the bear, and sometimes the bear gets you. Luckily, I have not had to drag the bear back to court, nor has the bear dragged me back to court. We
