Excerpts From Diaries Past - Tuesday December 28, 2010

This is a series that I will add to every once-in-a-while. I will post old diary entries, modified slightly so as not to reveal me or my family's identity or exact location,etc.

 

Tuesday December 28, 2010 -

I am just so depressed - still. We even upped my meds, and still it's not going away. I feel so guilty about the kids not being here - they're at their grandparents, and ____ gets so homesick. It makes me so sad. But right now I feel like I'd be such a bad mother if they were home.

 

It just clicked with me why I'm so depressed though. Because, when I was working and had my own money, I would go to thrift stores nearly everyday - compulsively even - and I got a high from it. It was my release - one thing that would take my mind off of my reality. That, plus I would buy stuff off the internet, and that would give me a high too. But now, I have absolutely no money - no distraction - just reality slapping me in the face. The reminder everyday that I am alone and confused as to where I fit in, even with God. I've lost all identity. Shut everyone out. I am only alone. And now my dad is leaving too. Alone. Alone. Alone. And miserable. Invisible. Not even worthy to be looked at...

 

...I'd rather remain invisible to these freaks of _______. And yet, that is what's killing me. I feel immobilized to even begin to fix my surroundings. The house is an absolute disaster, and I feel powerless to tackle it. Maybe I can relate to it. Because I am the mess - cluttered with doubt and anxiety and disappointment and fear. Cluttered with aloneness. Drowning with no one around. No one even notices, or offers me a breath. No one even cares that I am sinking. They are simply waving goodbye.

 

Danielle

 

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