Exclusionary Exclusions: Will Adoption Gain Me Access to the Moms' Club?

Hi Mandie. I'm part of the PCOS club too and am now a mom to two beautiful little girls through open adoption. I know how you feel. It's hard to be excluded from the mommy club. And I don't think I am fully in the club yet, even with a 3 year old. There are still things that exclude me - breast feeding, pregnancy stories, etc. And there was plenty of hurt and sadness along the way. But there are also a wealth of wonderful parts too. We found along the way that there is an amazing adoption community out there. And that our adoption story is one that everyone is fascinated about - and networks us right in with moms of all walks of life. And I think it gets easier as time passes. More and more I identify as just a mom and not as an adoptive mom. And the things that make the mommy club more exclusive (like breastfeeding) go away with time. And in the end, we're all just moms who love our kids. So as someone who has walked this path already, I just want you to know that it will get easier. And pretty soon you're going to be so consumed with loving your child that you'll soon forget about so much of the bad things that preceded it. Hang in there. :)

I totally agree with the other commenters, it seems like few of us wind up in the mythical 'normal mom' group. Preemie moms or moms of medically complex kids feel unmoored from the mainstream, it can be really hard for us to relate to families who haven't had our experiences. Of course, a lot of this is because we're carrying around such big emotions - oh my god, the guilt! - it's hard to know what's a real division and what is our perception.

You're definitely not alone, though. It can be hard to be around friends for whom children came easy.

Mandie, I just adopted my 4 year old daughter from the Foster Care System last month. I was not able to give birth to a child and had a hysterectomy 2 years ago. I understand your painful journey and the pain you experience every time you are around mothers. I feel it is necessary to appreciate, love, respect, forgive and accept your body for what it is. It may not be able to bear you a child but it will be able to make you a wonderful mom. After accepting this go full hearted into your adoption. Becoming a mother through adoption is an amazing journey. Once you hold your child and they cling to you and call you mommy, your life will be changed forever. Once you are cried out for in the middle of the night, cry for their pain, and cheer for the first words, first steps, first anything...you realize you have joined the "Mom's Club." Being a mommy to your child is my definition of the mom's club. The mom's who meet and discuss motherhood is one of the benefits that come with being a mom. You will find their stories fascinating and they will find you the same. You will need these women in your life and when the day is through you will go home, do your mom routine and say your blessings. May God Bless you and your journey into motherhood.

What a beautifully written post, Mandie. Like you, I am in that 10% of PCOS patients as well. And yes, adoption made me a mother with its own club surrounding the joys and challenges specific to forever families. It took me a long time to embrace this unique sisterhood, especially when friends were sharing their pregnancy and birth stories. I got tired of chiming in with "like when we adopted...." in an attempt to be like them. The truth is, I'm not like them no matter how much I want to be. I had to decide that I AM a "real mom" regardless of how it came to be, maybe even more of a mom because I worked so hard and wanted so much what some people take for granted. In the end I can honestly say that God's "no" to pregnancy meant a "yes" to adoption. I'm not saying you should feel or will feel this way, just that it is possible to feel fulfilled as a mom through adoption, regardless of how "the club" treats you. I wish you all the best on your journey. I'll add you to our prayer requests at PrayLoveAdopt.com. ~Michele C Scott, author of "Praying Through Your Adoption"

I've never wanted to be in clubs. I did join a moms' group once and found myself tickled to death half the time by how poorly I "fit in" nevertheless made a few great friends.

I think that having a minority experience can give a person a great deal of insight. W.E.B. Dubois called it "double consciousness." He likened it to having second sight. It's a gift. Cherish your difference from the mainstream. You'll be a BETTER mother because of it.

As for other adults who don't have kids--I love hanging out with those friends. I need to unmom from time-to-time and it's wonderful to get to me just me with people who don't care about all those parenting things Jenna mentions.

There are no two children and no two parents alike. None. Which is why this categorization/exclusion thing we do is so ridiculous. JennaHatfield is right - we're all excluded, all of us, in one way or another, no matter the way we become mothers.

My very best to you for your sweet little family. It will be the adventure of your life!

When I was 13, I found out that my body would never be a hospitable place for live to grow. At the time -- and far into my 20s -- I wondered whether this was why I never wanted children. Did my body just know I couldn't have them, and somehow worked to prevent me the sadness and turmoil of wanting them?

Now I stand on the eve of 30, and I find myself not so sure that I don't want them. I know the kind of trials ahead of me if I decide to try with a surrogate. The idea terrifies me. And in all of this, I think about community -- the other mothers around me to whom I would rally for support. Like you, I find myself hesitant. I see the mommy wars unfold online: tiger mom or not? Breastfed or not? Ate sushi while pregnant or not? Single mom or not? Career mom or stay-at-home? It feels like such a divisive world.

And that scares me more than the wild, scientific journey I would have to make, should I decide to try for a child.

Just so you know: The moms' club excludes everyone. No, really, trust me. And it's not other moms doing it: it's of our own doing. I know that I get all anxious and unwilling to connect with others because of my role as a birth mother, despite having two kids in my own home. Similarly, my friends who are adoptive mothers get anxious and willing to connect because of their issues. Similarly, my friends who are single moms, my friends who are lesbian moms, my friends who are disabled moms, my friends who are military moms, my friends who are working moms, my friends who had c-sections, my friends who did or did not breastfeed, my friends who homeschool or don't... we all get caught up in our own crap. So, if you remember that someday in the future, your admission to the moms' club will be the same as everyone else's. Trust me. We're all so caught up in our own stuff, we really don't mind that you came about motherhood in a different fashion, have a different story or carry your own set of baggage. We all are, in one way or another.

Wishing the best for you.

On so many levels, I feel the same way. Though I do like the comment from lindysu ...that's hopeful!

Yes, adopting will gain you access into the Moms' club! The day I first held my adopted son in my arms the pain of "trying" and the cycle of disappointment evaporated! My now adult son and I could not be closer. Your relationship with your child has nothing to do with how he came to you but rather what you build with him through the years. Good Luck to you ;)