An Exercise Conversion Chart For Moms

momworkoutI am, by all accounts, the laziest Mom I know when it comes to physical fitness. Don’t be fooled by my Lose The Weight board on Pinterest. Judging by the 423 pins on there you would think I’m sporting some chiseled girly abs by now, but no. I’m not. I’m sporting a wine belt and a serious – and probably unhealthy – fondness for midnight pints of ice cream.

Couch to 10k? No thanks. I’m more of a couch to the laundry room, to the backyard, back to laundry room, into the kitchen, back to the laundry room, break up a toddler fiasco, into the kitchen, eye up the couch, curse under my breath on my way back to the damn laundry room…kind of girl.

You know, I think that whole 30 minutes of exercise a day stuff is crazy. Whoever came up with this rule clearly never had kids. I do not have time to change, workout, shower, and then change again. I’m lucky if I remember to change my pants a mere once a day.

It seems to me that chasing my toddler who just stole a spatula from the kitchen in order to whack his little brother burns more calories than say, 20 minutes on an Elliptical machine. With this Mom logic in mind, I came up with this easy-peasy system to figure out what a basic 30-minute mom workout looks like.

ThisIs Equal To This
Picking Up ToysStretching/Warm Up
Pacing and Bouncing a Baby to SleepJogging on a Treadmill
Placing an Angry Toddler in TimeoutWrestling
Taking Two Kids To The Grocery StoreFlipping Tires/1,000 Pull Ups
Surfing The Web While Kids NapYoga/Cool Down
Drinking wine and complaining to a girlfriend or husband about your dayMeditation/Spiritual Cleansing

Since any fit person knows that a decent workout is followed up with specific nutrition guidelines to help maintain a healthy weight, it only seems fitting that I address what passes as my “diet plan”.

ThisIs Equal To This
Coffee (day)/Wine (day & night)Water (all the damn time)
Breakfast: Donuts or Kid CerealBreakfast: Cardboard
Lunch: Whatever the kids didn’t eatLunch: Cardboard and Salad
Dinner: Dinner was a Pinterest fail so Mom ordered pizza. Since that kind of counts as eating out (and therefore a special treat) Mom picked up an extra bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream.Dinner: Something boiled and with kale

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