Eyeball conversations with pregnant chicks

When I see a chickadee walkin’ down the street in all her eight month pregnant glory, glowing like the sun and rubbing her belly expectantly- I feel it is my duty to have a serious “come to Jesus” conversation with her about what she should be doing with her life at that moment (sleeping, sleeping,a nd sleeping). But, that would be rude, inappropriate and frankly, super weird. So instead, I have the conversation with my eyes. That’s right- my eyes are so powerful I use them to have conversations.1413394_24113341Let me set the stage for you:

Me- Baby in tow (carrier or stroller depending on our moods) followed by an endless parade of baby crap in a diaper bag or spilling out of the pockets of my jacket and/or pants. I’m pretty pulled together like 93% of the time but if I have no plans to run into anyone I know- all bets are off and I’ve told my husband that today is a “break from hair and makeup products” day designed to, “help keep my skin and hair healthy.” (This is a lie. I just didn’t want to put all that stuff on.) Anyways, let’s say today I’ve got my maybe-I’ll-run-into-someone hairdo on and makeup done so, I’m lookin’ like a presentable lady but it probably shows that my baby still wakes up to eat twice a night and hasn’t mastered keeping all of her food down once eaten (read this as: spit up stains).

Her- She is rocking one of Jessica Simpson’s new pregnancy maxi-dresses and rocking it well, might I add. Her hair is radiating and full from those badass pregnancy hormones. She is well-rested and carrying in her head an arsenal of facts about pregnancy, birth, labor, and breastfeeding. She smiles at everyone, placing a hand on her belly as if to say to the unborn babe, “one day soon you and I will be shopping together, smiling at everyone.”

And then it happens: We walk into the same store. She eyes me and the baby instantly. She and my daughter make eye contact and my baby girl sucks her into her big blue eyes of calm, serene happiness (she’s like a hottie vampire in a young adult novel who makes the unassuming main character fall in love with her, only to later sacrifice them for the good of humanity).

“Hi! How are you?” she says aloud.

“Great, thank you. How are you?” I answer.

“I’m wonderful! Your baby is so cute!” she gushes.

“Thank you!” I beam back, nod and then we part ways.

For the next ten minutes we see each other in aisle after aisle. She and my daughter continue to make eyes at each other. Now that she is pretty much an extended part of my family, I have the following conversation with her. In silence, cause again- it would be weird if this were aloud.

Me: Are you sleeping? People will keep telling you to get some rest now because… and then they say something slightly rude but, this is really serious. Are you sleeping? You need to sleep. I’m serious. I can’t even remember what 8 hours of straight sleeping feels like. No recollection. Sleep. Then wake up, have breakfast, go shopping or something, and come home and sleep again. Then go to sleep early. Don’t do it because you’re tired. Do it because you can. Do it for me. 

Her: Smiling at my baby, thinking of her own future bundle.

Me: Have you taken a breastfeeding class? There are a crapload of classes out there about pregnancy, birth, labor, caring for your newborn… blah blah blah. The only class you need to take is a breastfeeding class. There is nothing instinctual about that whole thing. It’s hard if you don’t know what you’re doing. But pregnancy- that’s happening to you so, what do you need to learn? Labor and delivery- I mean sure, take a class but that is also happening to you whether or not you learn about it. And caring for your newborn- feed em, change em, let em sleep, bathe them after the cord falls off, don’t leave em unattended (class dismissed). Even books on breastfeeding will tell you to call a lactation consultant. Oh yeah, those exist- and they are like the second most important people on the planet for the early weeks of breastfeeding. 

Her: Playing peek-a-boo with my easily amused child who is giving her a million-dollar gummy smile (this has nothing to do with the fact that she is pregnant- my kid is adorable).

Me: You should binge watch everything on Netflix that looks remotely interesting. Especially movies. I don’t know why but, in a few months you won’t have the attention span (or the time or if you do have the time then you should spend it sleeping) for a whole movie. Movies are like 2 hours long and if you have 2 hours to just sit and do nothing… call me because I wanna know your secret. Also you should call everyone you know- just to say what’s up. Pretty soon you won’t be able to call them because… 

Her: Rubbing her belly and mentally calculating what month her child will be as old as mine is right now so she can study all my cutie does and imagine her own doing it.

Me: You and your partner should go on as many dates as possible from now until the second the baby comes. Are you doing that? Lady, look at me, not her. Are you dating like a teenager recently released from a four month grounding for coming home drunk? Do that. Do it now. 

Her: (now walking over to me) “I’m sorry, I just can’t take my eyes off of her she is so precious!”

Me: (shaking my head, she obviously has not heard a word I sent her via our stranger psychic connection) “Thank you.”


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