This month, and maybe the month or two after, will be my "F Fertility!" months. This mama-to-be needs a break! That's right, I said it, "mama-to-be". I am not a "hopeful mamma" or "currently trying". I am a mama-to-be because I know deep down that I will be a mama someday, somehow, someway. I just know it. But, for right now...F fertility!
F running out of work every few days just to rush through traffic to get to the doctor's office in time for my 400th ultrasound!
F lugging a ginormous cooler across my property, delivered by the world's most expensive "specialty pharmacy" that unwraps like a Russian doll, breaking down smaller and smaller until finally I find that unholy syringe. That syringe almost taunts me as if it knows I'm playing roulette with it every month. I pay the price, pull the trigger, and hope this time it works.
F letting my life revolve around the hormone pills or refridgerated injections I have to take at the exact same time every day!
F finding out that "everything looks amazing" and "this could be the month" or "wow! you had a great response to the meds this time" and then having no positive outcome.
F crying over a plastic pee stick every 28 days! I'm done. I'm exhausted. I need a break.
F, by the way, is not the derogatory term you may be thinking. It's "f" for "forget". I need some time away to clear my head, forget what weighs on my heart, and find ME again.
My husband and I were looking at some old photos of us the other day and I noticed there were so many where I looked young, healthy, vivacious, and happy. I was adventurous and so full of life. I looked at myself now and thought, "Where'd you go?"
Somehow, I've wasted 2 whole years focused on one thing and one thing only and that's just not how I roll. I won't be the kind of mother who gives up her entire life and sense of self for her child so why be that person when I'm a mama-to-be? Nope, sorry, not happening.
So, I'm completely dedicating this next month to finding me again. I'm going to use the groupon I've been holding onto for the trapeze class with my best friend. I'm going to ride snowmobiles on a wildlife safari with my husband in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and sit in the saunas together without worrying I'm boiling my spawn. I'm going to regain control of my figure since, for the first time in 2 years, my body won't be controlled by synthetic hormones.
F is now for FINALLY!
Finally, I can go for a run without worrying my heavy ovaries will twist. Finally, I can take a hot bubble bath and watch Sex and the City from my tub. Finally, I can meet a girlfriend for a martini outdoors on a beautiful Friday afternoon. Finally, I can go to zumba instead of an ultrasound appointment. Finally, I can have a conversation with someone without the sympathetic head tilt followed by, "How you doin? You ok?"
I can JUST BE ME! And...I'm pretty kick ass!
Chelsea Vail, MA, CCLS