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What I found in my kitchen this morning stopped me in my tracks. 
After my husband twice promised me he’d clean the kitchen last night and scoffing at my remark that maybe he should do it quickly or let me help–he wanted to do me a favor–and remarking that because he stays up late he works on a much longer time schedule, I actually believed he would clean the kitchen this time. The picture to the left is what I found in the kitchen after he went to work. Note the open dishwasher. This is a sign to me that an attempt was at least made. I find these little signs such as cleaning products left out in the bathroom periodically when he cleans. Like he wants me to notice. I think it’s his proverbial tree in the forest. But God love him, most of the cleaning attempts are never fully completed. And it drives me INSANE!
I mean, I can’t half cook dinner. We’d get food poisoning. And what if I half washed laundry? Or was an almost faithful wife? That wouldn’t fly at all. So instead of calling him and texting him the pic of the kitchen, I grabbed my Fascinating Womanhood book to see what Helen Andelin suggests in a situation like this. First of all, there is no chapter on what to do when men help. Because cleaning isn’t a man’s role. And there’s no index reference to “half ass attempts” either. The only thing I could find was chapter three: Acceptance.
I haven’t been blogging about my Fascinating Womanhood experiment recently but I have been keeping up with my good wifely duties. In fact, I asked my husband about what he thought of the changes in me and our household and he said I was being “nicer.” Ouch. As a wife, it’s kind of sad to think that my spouse sees me as a mean. But as a wife sometimes it’s hard not to be harping Hattie. I have two jobs, freelance, clean etc. and wake up to an unclean kitchen with last night’s salad still on the counter!
Acceptance. Breathe in breathe out. The chapter starts with an example of a wife of 25 years fed up with her husband’s neglect, gambling, drinking and all around unwillingness to help. She’s told to get over it. You can’t change him. Accept him. Is it true? Can we really not change our husbands? Say it ain’t so. Andelin spells it out in no uncertain terms, “You might as well give up trying to improve your husband because it doesn’t work.” Most women try to change men’s personal habits, how they spend their time, duties at home and outside the house, money habits, social behavior, religion, neglect of children, desires and dreams etc. It goes on and on. And we try to change men says Andelin for our own good or for his good. I like to call these salvation marriages. I know women who do this. It’s stupid and fruitless.
So what happens when you try to change him, discord! Men will rebel, their feelings toward you will cool. So should you ever try to change a man? Sure, says Andelin. “First, let it be said that anytime a woman can change or improve a man for the better without causing marriage problems, there is nothing wrong with doing so.” You should try to change a man when: he is blind to his faults, when he is abusive to his children, when there are things you can’t live with, or when he mistreats you, is doing something wrong like a ponzi scheme, when he’s an alcoholic, a cheater, or financially inept.
But above all, a wife has to learn to accept what she married. “Acceptance means you accept your husband for the man he is today, with no changes.” But marriage means changes on both your parts. To “help a man to change” a woman should: give her husband freedom, appreciate his better side, and live as a fascinating woman. Also, don’t try to improve him or use other men as an example and use acceptance words. I don’t know what acceptance words are but I’m pretty sure they’re not “WTF didn’t you clean the damn kitchen like you said.” I appreciate that my husband attempted to clean the kitchen. And though
