Facebook Excommunication!

I'm in my 20's and admittedly a little weirded out by adding relatives to my Facebook contacts.  Not because I show myself doing anything "incriminating" on there, but because I do feel like I need some measure of separation from my "elders."  For bad or good, social networking online is a huge communication tool for people now, and sometimes us youngin's just need our own space online as well as in the real world.  I like to maintain some level of balance with it, I don't post every photo of my life, nor do I make my profile public to anyone other than my contacts.  I probably only check it once a day very briefly.  I essentially have nothing to hide from my elder relatives, but I don't feel like showing them *every* facet of my life, either. 

I DID discover an online, social networking alternative that you may want to look into for your family to use.  It's a site called Ning - http://www.ning.com - it takes very little time to set up an account and make your own social network - the format of which is very similar to MySpace or Facebook.  The web address you can create will be yournamehere.ning.com.  So smithfamily.ning.com for example could be a good url for a family to remember, and kids, parents, the whole lot of you can make an account on there and be a part of the family social network site - it has pretty much the same capabilities as Facebook, re: photo sharing, communication/messaging, etc.  The cool thing about that is that you and your kids can keep up on there in an easy way online, but not overstep those parental Facebook-ish boundaries that seem to have come up.  Try it, set one up for your family, and send them invite emails to join.  Even be frank with your kids and be like, "hey, sorry I pushed the Facebook thing, all I really wanted was to communicate with you online - how aout joining a special family network just for keeping up w/ relatives?"  You might be surprised by how receptive the kids might be to trying such a thing.  They can control who sees what with less drama that way.

I too am trying to deal with the deep hurt I felt when my family blocked me on facebook. Every bit of my brain says it makes sense. Our son is doing things he is not proud of..and is probably ashamed. Our daughter in law is so private it is unreal and our daughter gives two hundred percent and needed a space all her own. HOWEVER they are all in their thirties ...I was not exactly in their face. Our granddaughter came to our home and we gave her a lion outfit. Our daughter took the outfit home and put the photo on facebook. So whenever I go to her site now I see the date when she blocked me and the photo of  the outfit I bought for her little girl. I sent one or two comments. It was hurtful to the point that I cannot ever imagine feeling the same about them again. I think it was worse that they all did it simultaneously. And because I truly believe to them it is no big deal I feel I could never mention it. That would be more humiliating then them thinking I do not know they blocked me. Our son was mugged and he called to say so but our daughter slipped and said something about what he said on facebook. It bugs me to think a colleague down the road in our neighborhood is seeing photos of our son who lives across country and I am not allowed. Or friends our age hear his music and see his art when I am not allowed. i was so childish i even thought of inviting their friends to my birthday party and an art opening of mine and excluding them! I am so embarassed by my REACTION I feel like they are either ashamed of me or do not want me around. I know I must let it go but I am telling you, the shock I felt and pain it caused astonishes me. I believe it should be NO BIG DEAL but woah...Enormous OUCH!

Not to hurt feelings or anything, but I really don't think you should try to befriend them on facebook. Or if you just really want your own facebook, accept the fact that they don't want you seeing every part of their lives.  College is about learning to be your own independent person, a separate one from your parents. If your children feel that you are constantly looking at what they are doing/giving unsolicited commentaries on their choices then they aren't able to express themselves as their own person. Think about it. Don't we all act a little different around family then we do around friends? It's normal. I really don't think that you should feel so hurt about it, they are just trying to be their own people.

...I would not friend my parents on Facebook now, much less when I was still in school. So personally, I sympathize with your daughters here!

"She had purposely and spitefully blocked me from knowing her at all on Facebook."

"Why do you want to hurt me so badly’?"

It doesn't sound to me like your daughter was trying to be spiteful or hurtful. She sounds like an ordinary, normal college kid! I would bet something like 99.9% of kids do not want to be facebook friends with their parents, if that's any comfort:)

I'm sure your daughter, like everyone, acts a little differently around her friends than she does her parents. If you were friends and you could see her profile, she would know that her mom was always looking over her shoulder, and ugh, what college age kid wants that??

"But I do have to have a conversation about how she presents herself and
also which of my relatives/friends that she leaves as friends because
that feels unfair and icky."

It's not unfair. An aunt, brother, whatever, is not mom or dad! It's not personal, and it's not "excluding" you because you're awful, it's because you're mom. I would act the exact same way, and I'm very close to my mother. But she's my mom, not my pal.

As for the conversation you want to have with her...I would try not to be accusatory. Not, "I saw those pictures of you drinking, you should be ashamed, etc." Why not more of a general conversation? Maybe you can even print out an article about how more and more employers are cheking out prospective employees' facebook profiles before they hire, etc, and show it to her. I think that way she would be less defensive and more open to the idea that you have her future prospects in mind, not that you're passing parental judgement. And then stress that you trust her, and know she's a smart kid. Personally, I would leave it at that.

you have to TRULY let it go. of course it's hard. but you are your daughter's mother, not her friend. and even if she were friends with all of your friends and all of the relatives, and all of her siblings in 1972 or 2008, the same truth still stands. maybe in 1972 YOU weren't friends with all the types of people your daughter is friends with now, but maybe in 1972 SHE would have been, Internet or no. 

it's a little presumptuous to say that since this technology didn't exist 1972 your daughter wouldn't have been talking to everyone but you then the way she is now. you're saying "yeah, i did all these things but it was different." mmm, no it wasn't. you had freedom. and do you think your parents felt shut out in the same way you do now? probably. maybe you dragged the telephone into your room for "private conversations."  you know what i mean ;) anyway, let your daughter have her freedom and don't make her feel guilty. 

the thing is, as her parent, you would worry and judge in ways ANYONE else would not. even Aunt Edna and Wee Brother Timmy wouldn't feel as you do. i have to let my parents make their own mistakes. and they do. and they have to let me make mine. you should not be offended that you are blocked. you raised your children and it is right for them to make their own decisions and mistakes. you can only be hurt when your own friends block you--not your children. 

 if you feel confident you raised her to get out of her own foolishness (and there WILL be plenty of that) then the other issue seems to be that you feel left out. that's a valid feeling though it's not for your daughter to fix. maybe this is being triggered by something else--maybe you're envious of her closeness to certain people? it's a little bit like when older guys date younger girls. there's a reason for that desire. they don't desire younger girls per se; it's more likely they miss their own youth. same goes for you--you feel left out. but you should be left out, in many respects. maybe you need closer friends yourself? 

 it's good you're examining this and being open to responses. that's brave of you. 

regards,

joe 

I have to agree with the other commenters here. I am 28 now and I would have never added my mom as a facebook friend when I was in college. If either my mom or dad get on facebook now, I probably wouldn't add them now either. If my daughter was college age now, I wouldn't expect to her to add me. Its like showing up to her college party with her friends. How embarrasing to her. My hope is that I can trust her. Even if "Aunt Edna" is her friend, "Aunt Edna" is not her mom. I think most adults, like "Aunt Edna" will know she in college and if she says something stupid, then they recognize she is a college student.

Personally I hated it when my mom got a facebook page and requested me as a friend. It's not to make you mad - it's just that a child needs thier own searate life from thier parents. A life that only they and thier friends know about. It is a separation thing in many aspects. Not so mucht o hide naughty details, but to have thier OWN life.

Thank you for this response. In a weird way these responses are reassurring and helping me to clarify how I want to deal with some of this stuff. I DO understand about needing your own space to play and grow even though my parental sense of duty and worry gets in the way of this view of the world. I'm not a helicopter parent although I am absolutely sure that you will think so from this blog post (but I can't help that..it's a complex emotion and the post was trying to work it out for myself). I am happy that they are out in the world and starting this phase of their lives but I keep coming back to the analogy of the block party no one invited you to.

My daughter happens to have a very good head on her shoulders and I should move into the trustier place which weirdly isn't as hard as the sense of rejection. But I do have to have a conversation about how she presents herself and also which of my relatives/friends that she leaves as friends because that feels unfair and icky. She's of the generation who added themselves to Facebook as young high-schoolers and so they did add their parents when they had nothing to hide or be chatted to about, while my older daughter was one of the first Facebookers when it was only available for college students -- she's never felt comfortable adding me.

Womomma (www.midagewomom.typepad.com/midagewomom ( http://www.midagewomom.typepad.com/midagewomom ))

this is exactly and precisely why parents should not friend their kids on facebook. i totally understand a parent's reasons for doing it -- being part of their child's life, keeping an eye out for them, and as mentioned above a quick comment here and there to take down a picture that just shouldn't be on the internet, but seriously? It leads to so much awkwardness, and so much unnecessary drama, as you yourself experienced when you sent that email to your daughter.

 All I can really say is this: my parents raised me, and they raised me well. I am an adult now, in the legal sense, even if I never will be in their eyes. I will not do anything with truly lasting terrible consequences, BUT I know they will not agree with a lot of my choices, choices that I want to be able to make for this moment in my life. I would like to be able to do that with the least amount of drama, please, without my parents finding out that I'm practically a different person in college, right down to the clothes that i wear. Also, it is a parent's job to be involved, when they know what is happening. I do not want my parents involved in my college life, and therefore, they should not be my facebook friend.

Chalk it up to private space for your kid, and leave it at that.
Everyone needs some of that, and parents are *already* such a big part
of their kids' lives. I'm in college, and I know that if my parents
showed up on Facebook, I would have to promptly delete my account. It's
not even for the whole "OMG like, my parents, like, are on facebook! so
humiliating!" factor, it's b/c they simply cannot see what I get up to
in college. (Yes, I know, this is one of the arguments for parents
being on Facebook, but keep reading.) College is *my* domain. I want
space for myself to have a college experience, have fun with friends,
and yes, screw up, and do it without having my poor parents wringing
their hands miles away wondering what I'm doing. And I do not want my
parents to be in any of it. I don't even want other adults from my life
to be in on it. My dance teacher friended me, and I almost died. I
couldn't say yes to her, but I do love her. And remember that. When your kids don't friend you, they aren't trying to separate themselves from you, they're just trying to create a little space for themselves, without the inevitable commentary that will come when you don't agree with their choices

I'd start with that flow of logic with my Bug, and work forward.

Why is it that you feel you need to hide from me, but its okay for Great Aunt Edna to know what's up?  How are our communication styles different? Is my knowledge of what's going on in your life somehow a threat? (IOW, do you feel like I will hate you or punish you if I know?) 

If your siblings have the knowledge, well... I think you have two choices.

You cut a deal with the siblings to fill you in if there's something happening that you should know, or you find out what color the elephant is in the room by having a very awkward conversation with your child.

You may not like the answer, remember that.

And its okay not to know, really... unless they are doing something that endangers the education YOU are paying for.  (like the conversation Bug and I hes about online reputations)

~sthrngal

My sister and I (both grown) were slightly hesitant to add our dad as a friend on facebook.  We don't have anything to hide, but it was slightly weird.  I think if your kids let you friend them on facebook, rock on!  I think if you see them doing things they shouldn't, you definitely have a right, maybve even a responsibility to say something, but as a parent you gotta accept the consequences.  I mean, if you discover beer under your teenagers bed and you call her on it, you know she's going to put a lock on her door.

Once your kids are out of your house you've got to trust that you raised them right.  It isn't really your business what they do on a Friday night.  The internet does change things, because they are telling everyone about it, so maybe the conversation should be more of, "If you are going to do this maybe you shouldn't broadcast it," rather than, "I see what you're doing and you need to stop."

Just my thoughts.

I do believe this will be the generation with the most documentation on their actions, ever. They take cameras everywhere, and they post those pictures for ALL the world to see. The kids are free and open with their communication about, to and with each other.

In a year, when Bug wants that prestigeous internship with Chef "I'm better than you", He's going to be looking at MySpace and Facebook, and whereever else he googles her from, to see if she's responsible enough to work in HIS kitchens.

I am friends with my Bug (my college age child) on any site she's on.  - and I have made a few comments, but not many. Mostly its in the name of protecting her REPUTATION, and I do try not to comment on her activities. I was in the Armed Forces overseas at a young age, so I know what trouble is, but we were cognizant enough not to document the insanity. 

I do believe I have a responsiblity to point out that she's damaging her future, but I can't MAKE her change her bevavior, and if that is her choice, they are also her consequences. (one of the hardest life lessons I have to teach my Bug)

It would upset me if she blocked me. But I'd see that as a sign that
maybe my approach to communication wasn't working, and I needed to find
another route.

Thank you all for your comments and especially the 'view from the other side'. In my heart I know that when I was in college 30+ years ago, five hours away from home, no cell phone, calls home were expensive that I was able to pull off living with my boyfriend because I knew there was no way for my parents to know this about me. I was very much on my own.

If I view things solely in that way I can start to manage my feelings about it BUT it is a different time. It's not 1972 when there was no such thing as caller ID or cellphones or internet or texting or Facebook. There's an inherent contradiction..she' not keeping this private to the REST of the world, including relatives and friends of mine. This creates an awkward situation where we could be sitting around the Thanksgiving table and my sister-in-law will know more about my daughter's life at college than I do. Is that fair?

Where is the line in this new age of public sharing? She didn't seem to mind until I said something to her about it. Are those the rules of the game? Look but speak no censure?

Womomma (www.midagewomom.typepad.com/midagewomom ( http://www.midagewomom.typepad.com/midagewomom ))

While I don't have teenaged children, I understand your "pain" in a small way.  I've been ignored by my college-aged niece to whom I'm very close.  At first I thought it was a mistake, but the more savvy I've become, the more I've realized her ignoring was intentional.

Initially, I was really hurt.  After all, I'm like a second mother to her.  She spends her summers with us instead of with her parents.  We talk about her problems.  I give her money.  And that's when it hit me -- of course she doesn't want me in her business.  I was a MySpace friend and privately commented on some things I read about her doing.  I know now that she's away from home, those things that bothered me have probably increased.

Perhaps it's better we aren't their "friends."  I would have died if my mom would have been in the middle of some of the decisions I made in college, and yet, those decisions are part of what made me who I am today.  I think we should both realize the blessing in not knowing all their business.

Your question:  "So, here’s my question to the world: should a parent be a Facebook friend to their child in college?"

My answer:  No...you have to trust that you did your job correctly raising this child and let her make her choices, for the good or for the bad.  One day she may let you know the craziness she got into during college, and if she doesn't - it's her past, they were her choices (mistakes or not), and she's always in control of her destiny.

I am a mid-twenties (OK late twenties) female with quite a few friends on facebook. When it was all the rage and everyone was signing up, I did my part and got an account. Eventually, my dad added me as a friend. I was horrified. I felt as though my parents were / are my parents and there are parts of my life that they just don't need to be privy to. Faceboook being one of them. 

I think it all began with my IM account and I had a picture on there that was a child giving the finger. My dad made a comment about how inapporpirate it was and I was all "this is MY space and I didn't invite you to impose your likes and dislikes on MY space" even though I never said anything about it. 

To this day, I watch what I have on my IM status or photo because of that. 

I don't want to carry that through every aspect of my online life.

Sam 

http://temporarilyme.com