Failure to be Thin

cross posted on Kids In the Suburbs


String bean.

All legs and arms.



were words and phrases I heard all my life. I was always the tall,
thin, awkward one. I grew up but never out. Which, of course, was
perfectly fine with me...except for the awkward part anyway. I happily
remained a size zero through high school until I got pregnant and
gained just under one hundred pounds! Yes, I packed on 97 total pounds
during my first pregnancy.

I thought for sure that would all
change after my first child was born. But when he was three months old
people began asking me if I was sick because I was so thin. I had lost
all of the weight. And that was great...except people started making
odd comments about how I must have had an eating disorder and trying to
shame me for being thin after having a baby. I quickly learned that
when people asked me about my weight--and they did, a lot--I should
just smile and change the subject because it brought out a strange
passive hostility toward me.

I continued this for a while.
Three more kids and I was still buying size two pants. My metabolism
was just freakishly high and long and lean was my body type. I still
got rude comments and people still tried to make me feel badly because
I was thin after four thinness is the epitome of beauty.
Trust me, I didn't need anyone to help me feel badly about myself...I
had a horrible self-image
already. My nose was too big. My complexion was awful. My hair was
straw. I had no boobs or butt. My weight was the one thing I didn't
have to hate about myself. It was as if people wished I would gain
weight. I didn't get it.

Then two major things happened. 

I quit a-not-so secret smoking habit and I turned 30.

That first year I gained around thirty pounds.

And then another twenty.

those who wished I would have gained weight all those years were
suddenly giddy when the topic would come up. Like my extra weight was a
big unspoken "told ya so". So my complexion still sucks. My nose is
still too big. My hair is still straw. I still have no butt. Now, I get
to add weight to the list--the one thing I thought I had going for me.
(The bigger boobs are okay with me!)

My failure to be thin is
another thing to figure out and I am slowly working on it. I am down
from my heaviest weight. I don't want to be as thin as I was because,
frankly, I hated how most people were passive aggressive toward me. I'm
not ready for that again. Somewhere in the middle would be good.

I don't know how I'll end up. But I don't think that is the point really.

words define me now...more important words like wife and mother and
compassionate. I like those much better because no matter what, no
matter what numbers pop up on my scale's display those kinder words
will always be true.

Recent Posts by GoodByeGracie


In order to comment on, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.