Falling into place or pieces?
It has been a whirl wind in my head these last few weeks. But I think it is starting to settle down. I have gone from being elated and convinced a reconcilliation was immanent to nope he will never forgive me enough to love me again. Luckily my brain has calmed down a bit. I should say the Lord has calmed me down and given me some peace about the whole thing. I read exodus 14:14 The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. Then He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him- Hebrews 11:6. Also The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in the spirit- 34:18. Then 2 Timothy 1-7, We were not given a spirit of fear but rather He gave us a spirit of power, love, and self-dicipline. There were others but they all followed kind of the same theme. Calm down, I am here, I will fight for you and don't be afraid. Not to bad of a message. Thanks God.
I got a packet of information about Gam-Anon. The support group for people who love or are related to an addicted gambler. I read through their information. It was enlightening in some areas but really didn't apply to me in the other. Mainly what was helpful to read was how overpowering this addiction is for my husband. It also went through some of the methods gamblers use to perpetuate their habit. I would let myself get drawn into or start stupid arguments that would give him an excuse to gamble. I didn't know that's what was going on at the time but I do remember thinking he was purposefully looking for something to be pissed about. Or he would do something purposefully to get me riled up so we could have it out. He was able to in his mind make me out to be unreasonable and awful to make it my fault he had to go gamble. Now granted there were definitely times when I WAS unreasonable and awful! It also talked about what good liars they can be. He would tell me lies or omit things at times. I did help perpetuate the emotional disturbances that allowed him to feel like I caused him to gamble. The literature also talks about financial stuff. We had all of ours really separate so there wasn't much of that. I never enabled him financially by paying his bills or giving him money. In fact when he said he couldn't pay the $750.00 I basically told him that was a deal breaker. I wouldn't stand for that or stay married to him if he didn't do that. If we had known then what we know now about his addiction, I think we might could have stayed married. I did the correct things by standing firm and not enabling him as far as money was concerned. I think we could have gotten help either through Gam-Anon and GA or another program I have read about - Celebrate Recovery. It looks like a bible centered addiction program. But we didn't. I didn't feel I had any options and he was majorly active in his addiction and didn't want to change then. I feel that is what is different now. He does not only want to change how he behaves but he has taken action to make that happen.
So, from the time he left, I have felt my vow's were still active. I still believe in God's eyes we are married. I feel like his wife. So my inclination is to approach this issue jointly, like a married couple. But, in my husband's eyes we are definitely separate. He has his sponsor and other members telling him that he isn't supposed to "date" or "get involved with anyone" for 2 years. One year is like the shortest time they think is ok. I keep thinking well, I'm not anyone, I'm his wife. So I am having some trouble with that concept. So I am praying for wisdom and patience with this area.
I was reading something (or maybe I just heard it) about the exodus. Where the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years because of their grumbling and discontented attitude and their sins against God. It said the trip should have taken them 11 days! 11 DAYS not 40 YEARS! I see this time with my husband like the time in the desert. He is on a journey. One that will take him from captivity to promised freedom. One that I really can't help him with. I can be on my own journey. I can be ready to interact in healthy ways by learning about his disease and my role with it. I can pray and be content with each day. I can keep working on making sure God is my first love. I can support my husbands need for time to process this new information and also what he is battling. I can rest in the assurance that God will not leave me no matter what the ultimate outcome of my marriage is. I can look for answers in the Bible, not in my own understanding or reasoning. I can cover my husband in prayer. I can stay busy with my own church and activities. I can be thankful that through this journey I have Jesus to run to for comfort and peace. I can have a good attitude while on this journey. I pray I can do those things.