Helicopters Landing: Overparenting Trend Taking a Turn?
by Gina Carroll

Perhaps I have been team parenting too long! With our five kids and their six different sports, we are two worn-out parents!! Just this evening, as basketball season opened for my high school aged daughter, I, once again a designated team parent, was rushing

around trying to get the team information booklets assembled and the team pictures mounted in the gym. I had already emailed the team roster complete with parent’s cell numbers and my co-team parent had already prepared the team dinner and arranged for team T-shirts. As I was on the ladder in the gym, hanging the last framed photo, I concluded that I am now too old and tired for this!

I decided that, as of this year, some changes are going to take place. I am just no longer willing to do all of the extreme activities that I used to do for my kid’s teams—no more homemade snack treats for every game; no more pimped-out photo buttons for each parent; no more giving my cell phone number to every other over-zealot who wants to call me late at night in order to arrange a surprise delivery of “Spirit Packs” first thing in the morning. No more craziness! All of these parent sport perks for kids might be appropriate for the young starter teams of 5 and 6-year-olds, but for high schoolers?!?  I am thinking not!

The Internet only helps us compulsive parents be better at our compulsion. It facilitates our efforts in ways that allow us to go over the edge without even realizing it. We can obsessively research teachers, trainers, coaches, and programs. We can email our fellow team parents with ease, at all hours. We can amass pictures on Flickr and Photobucket and share them instantaneously, so that those team scrapbooks can be ready to hand out at the End-of-Season Party! There are team management sites, like mysportsite.com, that promise to “give your team the winning edge”, and where the dedicated team parent can make sure everything anyone ever wanted to know about her team is available to all. There are local forum sites for club and high school sports where you can shower praise on your team and child. Or if your bad sportsmanship on the sidelines is not enough, you can go online right after the game and unload your opinions about the other team and players. You can get into little “who’s better” battles with the parents of your child’s opponent until the wee morning hours---all in the name of involved parenting. We are sports ‘helicopter parents’ online and off. We don’t like that name or its negative connotation. But it’s what we have become.

At our parent meeting after the first game, my co-team parent and I make the announcement that we are “streamlining” the parent involvement part of this coming season. We tell this notorious group of over-doers that we are no longer showering the girls with snacks. We are cutting back on extravagant team dinners and no longer spending a small fortune on the pimped-out parent buttons. To our surprise, all of the parents do a collective sigh of relief and unanimously approve the down shift. Go figure.

When you have been parenting so long that you flow from one parenting trend into the next counter-trend, you’re not so conscious of it. But here it is-- the dawning of the “less is better” parenting approach. Nancy Gibb’s article, The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting takes us on her tour de force of the overparenting trend-- how we got to be overly concerned, overly indulgent and overly protective parents, and how we are beginning to change our tune:

[T]here is now a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical overprotectiveness and overinvestment of moms and dads. The insurgency goes by many names — slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting — but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous; failure is fruitful. You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher.

Even parents who are not as old and tired as I, are beginning to question the extreme nature of their involvement in their children’s lives. But helicopter parenting, that propensity to hover over our kids’ every endeavor, is so common and pervasive, that it’s hard for parents to break free. Gibbs credits online networking with empowering parents to recover from their helicopter habits:

“Among the most powerful weapons in the war against the helicopter brigade is the explosion of websites where parents can confide, confess and affirm their sense that lowering expectations is not the same as letting your children down.”

A perfect example of this kind of online exchange happened between Christie of Childhood101, Cath of SquiggleMum.com and Kate of Picklebums.com, when they chatted online about helicopter parenting:

Christie: … I cannot understand how we are so adverse to letting our children do what we did as children? I walked to school, I climbed (and fell out of) trees, I rode my bike in the street.

Cath: I have relaxed more with my second child but I find it hard to find a balance between my teacher training (eagle eyes on playground duty) and my desire to let my kids learn by exploring, falling, and getting up again.

Kate: I am a worrier so I am prone to over thinking the risks but I try really hard to realise that and step back from it. I often say, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?

(For the full conversation, go here.)
Their engaging exchange reflects the growing acknowledgement that in order for kids to grow into self-sufficiency and independence, they must be given the space and the opportunity to do for themselves. These moms also reflect how hard it is for us parents to retrain ourselves to let go.

To be sure, helicopter parenting is far better than absentee parenting. There are even some experts who argue that the conditions of our time justify continued involvement with older kids and young adults. The researchers sited in the Boston.com article, For Some, Helicopter Parenting Delivers Benefits believe:

because the economy is so challenging and “late adolescence and young adulthood  are such minefields today--emotional, social, sexual, logistical, psychological—that there are valid reasons for parents to remain deeply involved in their children’s lives even after the kids are, technically speaking, adults."
Still, more parents are reaching the conclusion that their over-involvement may be doing more harm than good for their children. More of us are coming to terms with the reality that children, teens and young adults can only be so safe and so prepared. We must let them live their own lives.

Midway through my daughter’s basketball game, when she was resting on the bench, she got my attention from across the court and signaled that she was thirsty.  I directed her to look at the big cooler of water at the end of the bench. She signaled to me that she didn’t want water, she needed a Gatorade from the concession stand. I, once again, signaled her towards the water cooler. And instead of responding in my usual manner--jumping up and running to the concession stand to buy sports drinks for entire team, I resumed my conversation with my husband.

 I suppose my daughter has not yet received the memo that this helicopter has landed!!

 

Are you a helicopter parent?  How about a recovering helicopter parent? Do you find online support for your hovering habit or your decisions not to hover?

Talk about it in the Family Connections Group now.

Submitted by Gina Carroll (view blog) on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 3:24am

Comments

 

Tendencies Toward Helicoptering

I have a tendency toward helicoptering. Due to the issues of grief and loss associated with the placement of my firstborn, I have had to fight with myself in order to refrain from overprotective parenting. I've actually been planning on blogging about this topic for quite some time as I've been really working on it, hardcore!, and have seen some improvement in how I act and react to certain situations. It's hard, though, as I feel the panic well up deep within me in certain scenarios and I just want to tuck my two little boys under my mama-wings and keep them from any harm. Armored bubbles that they could roll around in are also considered at times.

I know what type of parent I want to be and I do recognize that due to my personal issues I am going to have to work hard at it. I'm mostly okay with that... especially since I know that other parents struggle, for their own reasons, to be the type of parent that best suits their child(ren) as well.

 

 

@FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

Submitted by JennaHatfield on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 07:00
 

I can't believe you did what you did for so
long.

I'm not judging. I've found myself tricked into doing massive publicity for a local production of The Nutcracker in which my kid is on stage 3 minutes. But I'm so glad I read this now so I can stop myself from spiraling into Spirit Packs! I had no idea!

 

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

Submitted by Rita Arens on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 07:25
 

You are Right--It is a Spiral

Thank you, Jenna, for sharing your struggle!! Your fear and conflict embodies the modern parenting paradigm we are all trying to transcend. Baby steps...baby steps are good!

Rita, Ha! It is a slow and steady spiral fueled by maternal protection and personal insecurities about being an adequate parent--the perfection trap!! When you are in the company of over-achievers (which characterizes our generation of parents) and the standard for parenting is so skewed to the extreme, you lose sight of center. And then you feel you must do for each successive child what you did for the first!

So yes, I am a cautionary tale!!

Submitted by Gina Carroll on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 08:15
 

I've been writing on the

I've been writing on the subject since my daughter went away to college Sept. 05 -
here's one post:

http://thenestempties.blogspot.com/2009/10/helicopter-parents.html

Nancy

Submitted by njgeiger on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 10:45
 

Good for You!

Gina,

Way to go! It's great to hear that helicopter parents can change! I started my blog almost a year ago in part because I was fed up with all the helicopter parents around me. But lately I've noticed this trend to extol the virtues of helicopter parenting and I find it alarming. Yes, it's a scary world out there for today's teens, but making all their decisions for them and worrying about their grades or sports scores as if they were your own, makes the world even worse!  I hope more people follow your lead!!

Patricia Allbee, www.uncoolmom.com

Submitted by allbee on Mon, 11/23/2009 - 13:21
 

Hmmm...

I have an 18 year old son and an almost 8 year old daughter. They are very different personalities, and I have been a different parent with them both. The 10 1/2 year age difference helps, I'm sure!

I was a single teenage Mom when my son was born, never felt like I fit in with all the other parents, and none of my friends had kids. Having been a little bit of a loner myself as a kid (and having a Mom that did NOT helicopter) I just didn't "get" the helicopter thing. I had my hands full pulling off the parenting, keeping a roof over our heads thing! I met my husband when he was six and began to have a little time and money to do sports, etc..., but he never really caught on with the team sports thing. His forte was surfing, golf and photography; individual activities. I guess what I'm trying to say is his preferences didn't encourage helicopter behavior. We've always been very close, and his homework issues required some hovering, but he's always been pretty independant.

Now that my daughter is beginning to get to the sports and social age, I can see it will be a whole different ballgame. She LOVES team sports and is extremely social... and I welcome it all. Not having a chance to be as involved the first time, I'm looking forward to experiencing it this time. Add to the fact that I still can't get over the reality of how quickly it all passes, and that she is my last, and well, I'm excited to jump on the bandwagon.

Nonetheless, I seem to lack the helicopter gene, it doesn't come naturally. I have to will myself to step up and volunteer for things, stay very active and social. It's an exciting new frontier!

Submitted by Heres a Gem on Tue, 11/24/2009 - 09:17
 

As Long as You Are Having Fun on Your Own
Terms

Here's a Gem,

The key to parent involvement is to do the stuff that makes you happy and your child feel loved and supported. There's a big difference between orchestrating their lives and supporting and enriching them. So jump in and have fun. Just give yourself permission to say no to the stuff that neither you or your daughter care about and don't work too hard at overcoming what sounds to me like your own healthy, natural restraint!! I could have used some of that over the years!! :-)

Think Act: Proactive Black Parenting

Submitted by Gina Carroll on Tue, 11/24/2009 - 15:59
 

I gave up helicopter parenting, too.

I used to be obsessed with everything my daughter did. Then I got divorced and share custody 50% with my ex husband. Now she is out of my hands so often that I don't get to helicopter parent anymore. I'm actually a lot more relaxed about her when she is with me, and I save my freak outs for when she's not. She's only 3, so I don't think I screwed her up too badly before the divorce. I'm busy doing that now! :D

Submitted by talleyofdays on Sat, 11/28/2009 - 04:50
 

Cherish the Gift of Perspective However It
Comes!

talleyofdays,

The first three years is the perfect time to be a helicopter parent. It's appropriate for little ones. It just gets crazy if you can't turn it off by the time they are 24!! Sometimes a life shift like yours allows for some healthy perspective. Good for you!!

Think Act:Proactive Black Parenting

Submitted by Gina Carroll on Sat, 11/28/2009 - 08:14
 

Had to grow some thick skin

I think the hardest part about going against the flow, is dealing with any backlash.  NOT being the one to do all the little extra's or spend the extra money or plan the extra things ... sometimes leaves you looking like the bad guy.

And you're not.  Which is why I'm thrilled to read the trend is shifting. It is not as difficult for me as it is for some moms.  So, I would love to see it be easier to simplify parenting.  Simplify spending.  Simplify activities. 

Why would we spend $11 on a tshirt for the Daisy troup to wear during a parade?  Seriously?   Because it's not just about that one $11 shirt.  It's about all of the many little $11 shirts that pile up with each activity and each parade and each holiday and each bake sale.  Also, someone (mom) has to design those shirts and order those shirts, and sneak one more in at the last moment because some other frazzled mom did not realize the deadline had passed.

And roses, for your grade schooler who is in the local theater performance of "High School Musical - the Grade School Version?"  My daughter had a blast, and we were glad to help her be a part, but it was an exposure (underline: EXPOSURE) to community theater.  ROSES?!?  Ack!

Yet, sometimes in some circumstances, you find some parents really want to do these things.  So, I've grown some thick skin over the years.  I talk openly with my kids when we make decisions to deliberately not do the extra things.  Sometimes they're 150% on board.  Sometimes they hate our decisions.  Sounds about right to me.

I would love to see "the norm" take the pressure off of moms so they don't feel obligated to hover.  I don't ever want us all to be our own worst enemies. 

Christine

www.welcometomybrain.net

Submitted by christinemoers on Sun, 11/29/2009 - 15:27
 

My parents weren't helicopters

And most of the time I try to be more like a submarine--with a periscope. At home, I find that my kids--ages 19 months and 2 and a half years--learn and interact best when I stay generally out of sight but within earshot. We do plenty of activities as a family, but I don't feel the need to entertain them every second, just so long as I make sure they're safe.

As far as sports go, it's always nice to bring the team a treat every now and then, but I don't think we need to let them expect it. As a former student athlete and current coach, I can tell you the most meaningful part is just showing up.

Deb

www.spawnocalypse.com
http://twitter.com/noreturnmom

Submitted by NoReturnMom on Mon, 11/30/2009 - 11:57
 

Word Up

Oh, good god, I love this article. I love your honest take on it, and I love the points you're making. BRAVO!
Mr Lady: 
whiskeyinmysippycup.com

Submitted by shanbrentris on Thu, 12/03/2009 - 07:00