Far Too Many People Have Been Hurt by Good Intentions

Or how about "Is this your last?"  "Are you done yet?" And the ever so clever "Don't you know how this keeps happening?"  I even had someone who thought she was cute say "I think you need a tv in your bedroon."  I didn't even know her.

This. Seriously. Why are people so awkward?!?!?!? 

The best thing that my infertility has done, is that it has made my family not ask these questions. My dad said he stops and thinks of me before he asks about family planning and stops himself, because they may be going through what we did.

I agree completely. My personal complaint is when people say, "You have a boy and a girl so you must be done." It just happens we are done, but not because we have a boy and a girl. We are done because of how difficult my delivery was and how dangerous it would be for my health to try that again. I love my children for who they are not which body parts they were born with. I would love a big family (we may adopt in the future) but having more biological children isn't an option. Thanks for the reminder that we "must be done" though. GRRRR

I couldn't agree more!  I had 2 boys and when pregnant with #3 everyone ASSUMED I wanted a girl.  There was a story they didn't know....I was the 3rd girl of 4 girls and I loved growing up in an all one gender family.  I hate when people put their presumptions on others about their families- thanks for a well written, thoughtful post.

I have done this before, and I never meant harm. Yet, I can understand how insensitive it can be when you do not know the person well enough to really be asking. As I've gotten older, I've become more sensitive to the "story behind the smile"...perhaps it happened when I gave birth to my second daughter who was born with Special Needs. I know people mean well when they ask, "what's wrong with her?" I want to say, "mind your own business" but then explain her syndrome to them anyway, hoping that they might learn something they never knew before and perhaps, be more sensitive to how they approach mothers like me in the future. I try to keep my defensive guard down as much as possible and give the one asking the question the benefit of the doubt instead of getting upset.

Questions I wish had never been asked "Trying for a boy?" in front of my two daughters? Or spitting, "Again?" as I stand pregnant before them. Or after a losing one of two in the early months, "Wasn't really a baby yet." I've loosely accepted that people will ask incredibly dumb questions. We just can't change those moments, but we can beam back with the gratitude for what we do have.

She is a beautiful.

Michelle you are blessed with a most beautiful daughter (look who I'm telling). People (family/friends/acquaintances) who ask these questions have no idea of their often far reaching consequences. Basically it is none of their business either. These types of questions are way too personal.

I always get my feathers ruffled when people start asking the "are you going to try until you have a girl/boy" question.

To me, that implies to the person you're asking that each time they find out they're NOT having their 'desired sex' child, they're instantly disappointed and planning to try again without taking time to celebrate the life they're being blessed with.

People mostly need to assume that they don't know ANYTHING about what someone else's family involves.

We have two kids and we've adopted six kids. The words that make me totally come unglued are "What were you thinking?" Or when they say, "Those kids are so blessed, or lucky, to have you for parents." Excuse me? We're the lucky, blessed ones by having them in our family.

We have only been trying again (after losing our daughter 4 months ago - read about it here www.letterstoleia.ca) and people are already getting on my nerves. They ask me when we are going to have children - they don't realize our loss - they ask why we have been married 8 years and are childless - duh. I'm glad you wrote this - it is true people hurt other people and don't realize it.

man I love this post... I'm printing it as an example of how powerful words become when we write with raw honesty.  Thank you for it!

Thanks for this post!

The aspect that bothers me most is that people asking these "innocent", "curious" questions don't actually want the answers I'd give.  "Did you guys ever think about having another?" Yes, I lost them. Yes, she would have been three this Christmas. What, too personal, you say? TOO BAD.

She is really, truly beautiful!!

And I know that this really doesn't compare, because your situation can be very painful and mine is just irritating, but I have 4 kids and you would not beLIEVE the questions I get too. From the oh-so-original "don't you know where babies come from" to just downright nastiness when we would announce a new pregnancy. My all time favorite is "Is your husband fixed yet?" Because my husband's genitals are your business. Sheesh.  I read an article once that hypothesized that our openess about sex in general in our society has made people think that all of these questions about conception are acceptable.

They AREN'T.

I have never presumed to ask any of these questions except once, when I was in my early thirties. I am ashamed of myself even to this day. The lady that I asked was on a board that I worked for and we talked on almost a daily basis. 

She is extremely intelligent and highly educated, so is her husband. They have one child and I thought about what wonderful parents they seemed to be. It seemed a shame that they  were not adding more great kids to their family. It was TOTALLY none of my business. I was completely out of line. After remarking about their bright and funny little girl, I expressed that they should have another child. She told me that they had tried but after a miscarriage, they decided not to try again.

I still feel shame and remorse for intruding on something that was TRULY none of my business. I totally agree with the author here. I wish I had respectfully minded my own business. 

I know people ask the above questions with the best of intentions, but they truly have no idea how those questions can stab you in your heart.  My husband and I had every test imaginable to find out why we weren't getting pregnant.  Not until I was in my late 40's did I find out that I had advanced endometriosis and that was why I wasn't able to conceive.  I cringe and get teary eyed everytime I hear of a child left abandoned or abused and wonder "why me".  I am now in my 60's and love my nieces and nephews, but still to this day wish I had been able to have a baby...

Questions can be hurtful. I am infertile and I understand that I am sensitive and I do my best not to take offense, but that can be difficult. I think this advice can be useful on the opposite end of the spectrum. As soon as someone has more than two kids, people get  pretty judgmental as well. 

I am sure those that say that we are just too defensive have never gone through the years of heartache and frustration that infertility issues bring. My husband and I tried for 5 years to get pregnant with our first child and we were not blessed with a second daughter for 7 more years...those years were painful and heartwrenching. So yes, the insensitive questions do hurt  because our feelings of failure are raw and our hope for a family wanes with every negative pregnancy test. So rather than tell us to not be so defensive...why not trying being a little more sensitive.

I don't find it offensive at all when people ask me if we are going to have more kids.  I think posts like this just make people afraid to ask anything.  Sometimes you have nothing in common with someone other than the fact that you both have children so it's natural to talk about things like that.  I hate feeling like anything I ask could be offensive.  How about we talk about how people shouldn't be so easily offended?  I have asked people with all boys if they are going to try for a girl and I by no means meant that they must not be happy with their boys...that's ridiculous.  And I don't think anyone that asks that means to imply that.  Some people need to just take questions at face value without reading so much into it.  Don't be so defensive.  A question is not an attack on your family situation.  It's curiosity and conversation.  Who knows, the person asking it might have a similar situation and you might find that you have things in common.  

It is best for us to know why we are or are not doing what ever we are or are not doing... that way when someone who is or isn't doing what they think we should be or should not be doing we can laugh at the wind and say, "That is a good idea... let me know how that goes for YOU.... :)"  OR.... 

"When are you guys going to start your family?"We started long before we were married..... 

"Are you going to try for a girl?"

We are going to try for sextuplet girls...

"Are you pregnant yet?"

Are you? I'll tell if you tell....

"Shouldn't you be working on baby number two by now?"

Oh heck no... we are working on baby number five I just came back from injections!

What a beautiful little girl!  I love her already because she likes dolls!  I have one son..born when I was 43 after a breast cancer diagnosis when I was 41.  My son is the most beautiful of everything , but , now that he is a teenager... , I cannot figure out what happened.   

People are so rude. I think they, in general, mean well, but I am totally with you - those are things that should not be asked or questioned. And the whole "aren't you going to try for a girl?" question? Man, if I had a dollar for every time I've been asked that! Thanks, but I like my boys and 2 is plenty for us. Ugh. 

Your daughter is gorgeous, btw. 

How about ' Haven't you figured out what causes that yet?' When people find out I have 7 kids!? There is a whole story behind my having a large family and it isn't anything like the Duggers :)

Great Post!  Now if only we could somehow teach TACT in every home or at school....

Love this.  I have my reasons for not planning to have children.  Maybe they will change.  But you are right, they are no ones business.