One of the benefits of working for your father's company is that you get to see your dad every day. One of the down sides of working for your father's company is that you have to see your dad every day. Working for the family business is not for everyone. Not only does it require you to compartmentalize your family relationship, because who really wants to talk shop during Thanksgiving dinner, but you also have to realize that becoming and remaining your own adult person can be much more difficult when the person you call dad signs your paychecks and approves your vacations time.

Not to mention that there sometimes are no lines between personal and professional.

Over the years , I have learned that when my dad gets to talking about religion or politics, I should just let him say what he has to say and not argue with him. I generally hesitate to agree with him because our reasons or arguments for whatever it is we are agreeing upon, are usually vastly different, and of course my reasoning is always wrong. I usually try to contain myself, and not say much, I find it's best that way. But every once in a while, he pushes my buttons ( the gay ones) and I just can't not say something, which usually ends in me pushing his buttons (the catholic church ones). Today was button pushing day.

Around 5:00 this evening, my dad popped in and started talking to me. He asked me if I had written my (this) post yet. I said no. He asked if I knew what I was going to write about. I said no. He then said, "well I had some ideas for topics for you." I knew this wasn't going to be good, and immediately thought to myself, 'what the hell was thinking telling my parents that I write for BlogHer.' All I said in response was (in a this outta be good kind of tone) "oh?" He went on to tell me that I should write about why gay people are so unhappy.

I took a deep a breath, and told myself not to react. Mental health is certainly a good and important topic, but, that's not exactly what he said, nor was it what he meant. There was a lot implied in that statement, not the least of which (and I may just be sensitive and the implication wasn't really intended, but I think it was) was a jab at Betty Please who suffers from anxiety and depression and just recently went through a pretty rough time. Also implied was, if we (gay people) only all followed the teachings of the catholic church, then we'd all be happy. So the last bit was my own inference because my dad is like a broken record about the church, it's his answer to everything. Converts are the most passionate about their religion.

After collecting my thoughts, I started by pointing out that you can't say all gay people are unhappy, that's just untrue. I mean, generally speaking I'm pretty happy. Then I pointed out that there is going to be the same percentage of the gay population as is in the rest of the population who has an inherited form of depression and anxiety, like Betty Please does, which has nothing to do with her sexuality. Now, I won't argue that there is probably a larger proportion of the gay population who suffer from depression and anxiety that is more of a situational form than those in the general population, but really, do the reasons for this need explanation? Does it really take a rocket scientist to understand that if you marginalize peoples relationships, tell them they are less than, call them names, threaten them, torment them, discriminate against them, ostracize them, force them to stay hidden in the closet, or withhold family support, that perhaps that might cause one just a little unhappiness?

My dad did not want to accept that gay people were ever treated poorly by others, to which I had to argue that just because he has not witnessed it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. That because I am lucky enough to be able fly under the radar in the straight world, doesn't mean everyone is as lucky. He then said, "well those people bring it on themselves then." That last statement just about made me furious. I replied with, "so, you think that those people should conform to what you want so that you'll be comfortable, rather than them be who they are and be happy? Let me tell you something dad, no one would choose to be this way if they really weren't, and no amount of Jesus is going change that." See, there's me, poking at the church button. I tried not to, but it was beckoning me.

He started to back pedal a bit and say that it wasn't the catholics who had the ex-gay programs, that it's okay to be gay and catholic as long as you're celibate. I couldn't help but say that that wasn't gonna happen, and I didn't imagine that he would chose to be celibate either if someone tried to impose it on his marriage. Then the argument turned to, well it's really that you're not married, and since you're not married the church requires celibacy...Ah but of course, same-sex marriage won't ever be allowed in the catholic church, because really it is about being gay.

As you can imagine this went on for while, but I actually feel like it was a small victory for me. I stood my ground as an adult, I didn't back down, and didn't fall back into being his child, which given the complexity of the dynamic we have, that's progress. With my dad, it's not ever going to be him coming around to my point of view, but rather that he respects that I have one and it's my own. We agree to disagree.

I know I don't have it as bad as some. My parents include us both in their life. I just wish they would be a little more conscious of the things they say. I know not everyone can have a mother like Connie Van Dyke who wrote

The fact that he or she is gay takes away nothing from the priceless life you brought into the world. It is another facet of who your child is and another piece of the magnificent puzzle that is life.

as part of an Open Letter to Mothers of a Gay or Lesbian Child, but I wish I did.

I'm sure it can't be easy for a parent to come to terms with having a gay child. When Debbie found out that one of her sons was gay and the other bisexual, she decided to start a support website and blog, Gay Family Support Blog, for other parents of gay children. Of course there's also PFLAG in the US and FFLAG in UK.

I'll leave you with one last thought from The Venus of Willendork's post, Rainbow Brite vs. The (not so) Religious Right

I haven't exactly managed to avoid the reality that homophobia still runs rampant in society and that it often disguises itself as religion. (I did, somewhat accidentally, attend a Catholic university. I do have an extended family that considers "love the sinner, hate the sin" the hallmark of tolerance and prays every Sunday for my speedy recovery from, you know, loving people with the wrong chromosomal pair.) Still, every time I encounter homophobia, I respond like it's some new beast, or rather an old one I thoroughly expected would be extinct by now, and after the fury cools (or starts transforming itself into material for the next short story/ slam/ et cetera), I'm left confounded by the fact that people are still holding onto this.

I know my parents will never change. I just wish they would.