A Letter to the Father of Hannah Who Posted “To My Parents” on Facebook

So this young girl believes that if someone angers you, it's OK to publicly humiliate the person with verbal abuse. She also believes that her status in the family gives her the right to do whatever she wants. She thinks that trashing someone and the things they value is a better solution than talking things over or looking at one's own part in a conflict.

Where could she possibly have gotten those ideas? I can't imagine...

I am tired of the boo hoo hoo, poor little Hannah. While I don't think I would have shot the computer, she definitely would not be the proud owner of a computer anymore. As far as 'shaming' her being wrong, well too many little precious' have been told they can do whatever as long as 'they feel good about themselves', sometimes a little shame and embarassment is a good thing. She isn't all that and a bag of chips, and as soon as she realizes this, the better off she'll be. All I can think is that if I had done that my father would have taken a belt to my behind, and you know what? I would have deserved it.

I didn't feel the shock that some people have felt watching this video. I'm terrified of guns yet I didn't feel like the father was a violent man nor shooting the laptop was a violent act. Perhaps that is because I have experience what it is like to grow up with a truly violent father. He shot an object, an object for which he paid his own money thus was his to destroy if he so chose. The cynic in me wondered how long it would be before he had to pay to replace the laptop he destroyed and I shook my head at the waste of money. I told my partner that I would have made the video and instead of shooting the laptop, I would have recorded myself placing it for sale on craigslist or ebay.

I don't disagree that Hannah probably needed to be kept from the computer if she was continually jumping boundaries. My brother is seventeen and we have many teenage cousins as well. I watch the emotional posts on facebook daily, the tirades against family, friends, the world and on more than one occasion, I have messaged one of them personally to ask that they remove some post or watch what they are saying about the family. I have even commented publicly about the necessity of some of the posts and comments. It seems to me that a lot of teenagers lack the distinction between what should be in the private sphere and what should be in the public. And I can see why, they get an instant ego boost when they post something and half of the students in their school 'like' the comment.

I watched this last week and I am still thinking about it. I think what gets me the most is that this man reminds me of my father who I no longer speak to.

I did think it was extremely deserving and I would think he would be regretting his decision immensely right now. I think a key component in parenting is respect and it is a two way thing. I agree that what this girl did was completely out of line, but I don't understand how embarrassing her and using a firearm to demonstrate his point done anything to solve the situation. It has only made it worse and it will be a long long time before this family can heal from this. What ever happened to just confiscating privilages and letting them be earned back.

This makes me so sad. Destroying property (with a firearm or anything else) is a huge red flag for domestic violence. It makes me wonder what else is going on in the home. Obviously, since power and aggression trumps all (at least that's how I saw it in the video) in this home. A child's immaturity is imitated by her father instead of him taking the opportunity to discuss their family issues and the appropriate/inappropriateness of posting personal info on the internet. I love your response and hope they can both learn something from this experience that has gone "viral". I hope people close to them keep a close eye on the situation as well should it get out of hand away from the camera.

Great post! As disturbing as the video is, I'm glad he posted it. It's a great warning for anyone who may encounter him outside his home to know what does go on at home. Too often people show only their polished side to the professional world and we never know until it's "too late" what home life was really like for their loved ones. There is clearly more to this story that we don't know, but nobody can say this guy didn't put his own warning flag out there when issues escalate next time there's an issue between he and Hannah. He'll have a hard time denying it if she ever accuses him of pulling a gun on her after this.

You people have got it all wrong! This guy recorded a message while sitting there smoking! Wake up aren't we trying to stop people taking up smoking? Then he threw his rubbish away! Hello litterbug! As for shooting his daughter's laptop. Yeah like who would actually do that? He's in IT remember so that could just have been an outer case or Photoshopped. No wonder Hannah is like she is with this guy as her father. You should both thank your lucky stars you have each other. So many families have lost a loved one and you two are driving each other away. Grrr!!!

This is a great post- I have to admit I was torn when I saw the video. My first reaction was to support the idea of an aggressive stance, even with the use of a firearm (but I come from a profession where safe use of firearms is common- and don't fear them....it didn't occur to me that the situation might escalate to a point where he would point it at his daughter or someone else)....but I did pause before "liking" that video all over the place. I think it was because I needed time to work through whether I really thought that was a good response. The more I thought about it, the more I thought that it might give some short-lived vindicating laugh to a few people- but that there was a lot of damage done between dad and daughter. I woudn't want to negotiate that delta in my own life. I've read a few posts demonizing the dad- but I don't villify him. I just hope they can repair....

You seriously just brought tears to my eyes with the last couple of sentences. My daughter is 15 also and I cannot imagine giving up on her at this tender age. I truly, truly hope that this family is able to get the help they need now that their struggles have become such public fodder. Maybe someone in their community will reach out to them and help them to begin figuring out how to go forward from such a heart-breaking place.

The video appalled me. Whether managing people within a work environment or whether parenting, corrective measures are private doings, they do not belong on broadcasts to the world. He's the parent, the adult, dealing with an adolescent fifteen year old. I rather expect him to be the mature one here... instead he saw her immaturity and raised the stakes.

The fifteen year old acted her age. Some get the idea of doing responsible things around the house, some don't. She will one day, but... not happening when dear old dad takes such an inane action. He took what in the grand scheme of things would be a minor, correctable issue, and made it a potential lifelong dividing line. I know what those are like, and believe me, he doesn't want to be standing astride one.

As if not enough, he put a bullet in her laptop. A bullet, as in from a weapon. Parenting by firearm, only in America. He showed her a lesson all right... power wins. No discussion, no teachable moment for parent and daughter, just blow it away. I'll set aside town ordinances and such, not knowing the logistics of his property location...

and he did it by first calling his partner to make a grand show of things 'sumbuddy hold me back!' and feeding his damn fool ego.It would not surprise me if his daughter responded by getting her paws on a gun and reciprocating with a bullet in his computer, nor would it surprise me if she bolted.

All of this happened over a Facebook post of an *opinion*? She hadn't even refused to do chores, she just grumbled about them. Yeah, just the lesson I wish to see our young learn... don't express your opinions and feelings, keep them to yourself, because opinions and discussion does not matter, not when one party to them brandishes a weapon illustrating who holds the upper hand.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree is what I say. Dr. Phil was on Today this morning talking with Matt Lauer. He said basically the same but also mentioned that this guy isn't as bad as some of the parenting he's seen in just the last week. The father is probably eating up the attention - and the daughter too.

Just when I thought the world couldn't be any crazier ....

Wow. That video was so much more emotional than I expected it to be. I can't imagine putting a bullet in something to teach my child a lesson, I've never shot a gun in my life, and I don't condone his actions in the slightest, but I have to say he didn't seem like he had settled down AT ALL when he made this video. His voice was shaking from word one...he was clearly still quite broken up about it, I feel for everyone involved and just...WOW.

Great letter Red Dirt Kelly -- very thoughtful. I remember the rage of being a teenager well, and I hope Hannah and her father both get through this crazy time intact.

Kelly,

Thank you for this rational and compassionate response to a somewhat irrational situation. It is nice to know that there are people who try to see past the "story" to the real people behind it. I am with you in hoping that this family can work positively toward changing things rather than continuing to let them escalate.

Wow! Emotions run high when you have teenagers who are full of emotions, peer-pressure and hormones. It is a volatile combination for teenagers and parents. To be in the thick of the emotions is difficult. I feel bad for their entire family.

Wow. Having recently been dragged, unwillingly, into the land of "Don't You Realize That EVERYTHING You Post Online Is Preserved FOREVER And Can Come Back And Bite You No Matter How Innocuous You Might Think It Is," I feel sorrier for the father than I do for the daughter. I can't help thinking that this video might someday haunt him and his family in ways he never imagined.

There have been many people in my life I've wanted to tell off, but most of the time I've been able to remember that, while burning bridges might seem to be the right thing to do at the time, there are always unintended and unanticipated consequences to consider.

As a parent to five teens and one preteen, there is a part of me that laughed at the consequences the Dad chose to use against his dtr. Who (parents of teens) hasn't wanted to do something like that? Be honest .

But of course, the reality is, I would never. The whole point of parentng is to teach our kids how to handle difficult situations in life. I don't think the Dad did that here. I'm sure he would never condone these actions in his dtr, nor should he.

Were consequences warrented for what his dtr did? Absolutely. Did he go too far?

Absolutely.

(But secretly? Tee-hee. Go Dad!)

Kelly, this is a beautiful letter to the dad. What bothers me about this whole fiasco is every person who has left a comment (condoning or condemning his actions) seems to think they have the right answer. We've only been given a snapshot of the situation (the father's response). Other than the dad, mom, step-mom, daughter and maybe a couple of other people, not one of those people who have commented on Facebook, Twitter, or YouTube have any idea of what the real situation was beforehand.

Let's be honest...Kids don't come with instruction manuals. Every child has their own personality, behaviors, and emotional responses. I can understand the frustration, hurt and disappointment that drove him to the point of taking a dramatic and shocking stance, although I do not agree with his use of a firearm or posting it for the entire world to see to make it. It was his response. Good, bad or down right ugly, he has to live with his actions.

I am also not so old that I don't remember feeling "dumped on" as a teenager. We didn't have Facebook, Twitter or any other social media when I was 15 so airing our "dirty laundry" meant stretching the phone cord 20 feet to call a friend while hiding in the closet and praying your parents didn't pick up the other phone. In the video he says that he told her what the consequences would be if she continued to disobey and be disrespectful. His daughter chose to continue the unacceptable behavior. She will also have to live with her actions.

For every one of our decisions we make, we have to pay the consequences. I hope the fall-out from this world-wide response doesn't do more harm and they are able move forward with mending their relationship. Only time will tell.

The premeditation on the dad's part to set up to film his actions particularly disturbs me. People get mad, but he had time to cool down before he filmed this. He's the adult in the situation. Really sad. I hope the family can heal from all this.

I can understand the frustration that the father has, and could see why he would wish to take the computer away, but the public forum and the violence involved? Not so much.

Thank you for your thoughtful commentary on this. My friends and I have had a lot of emotions about this video, as parents of children who are not yet teenagers.

That was quite a startling video. Whew!! Your advice and guidance is quite sound. I too hope they get professional help so they can heal and begin to communicate with each other in a much better way. Glad you posted.

I admire the grace with which you speak to Tommy Jordan; it's the rest of the country that I'm worried about.

http://emptynestdiary.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/reb...

I was so sad when some of my FB friends posted this video and cheered him on. Thank you for your thoughtful response. We spoke with our twelve year old daughter about the situation this weekend and talked about how they both handled things in a way that will make it really hard for them to come together and talk honestly and with mutual respect. I hope that Hannah and her father learn from this and heal their relationship, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to talk with my tween about it and anticipate what I might do if she did something similar.

Calling Dr. Phil!!

This is the most thoughtful and appropriate response so far. I wish we all could be so centered in the disappointment/don't know what to do place.

To me it is all a sign of "too fast". Too fast a communication, too fast a response, too fast a demand for change, all too fast. Pause with the computer, pause with words, pause with guns, might work a bit better.