Fear and Letting Go

It's hard to be in this place again. The place of fear. Fear and I, though well acquainted overall, aren't the best of friends.

Logically I know things are different with my father this go around, not quite as scary, it's still difficult to be in a place of not knowing what is going on and how to resolve it. My father is alert and can make decisions for himself, answer and ask questions, as well as give information easily. This make my role as helper easier.

At the same time though, I want to take charge. I'm used to taking charge. I'm used to and also desire control. So, a battle it is. A battle to reconcile the desire for control, the reality of not needing to be in control, and the awareness that being in control fuels my own issues. Issues that I've worked so hard on and issues that have been put to good use, but issues nonetheless.

I'm also having some difficulty with expectations. What's not different is remembering that my expectations of others' behavior and actions are my expectations. I have daily practice with this in many areas, especially with my family. What I am struggling a bit with is the expectation that people follow through on what they say in regards to this situation with my father. Yes, an expectation I know, doesn't change my desire for this expectation to be met. At the same time though, it's so much easier to "look" for things to control while I'm battling the issue of control.

letting go

My emotional state is a little slippery right now. That's my reality. I work on remembering I'm not responsible for my father being back in the hospital. I have been doing my best, I have been doing well in caring and helping him out. So, I'm trying not to shoulder guilt that isn't mine. I'm also trying not to sit in a place of fear. I'm trying not to feed my control issue. I'm doing the best I can to remind myself to take it easy, to allow myself to relax, and in doing so I'm taking care of myself.

With all this, I think I just need to lean on my Higher Power again today. I'll look to my Higher Power to watch over and care for my father. I'll look to my Higher Power to help me care for myself through this incident as well. So, I say here, in this space of mine, I am stepping aside to allow my Higher Power to care for me and guide me in the tasks that I need to do. I am letting go of the control. This afternoon I will take a nap, curling up with Baby Boy in my arms. I will also spend some time and energy on something other than my father's health issues and look to pay attention to the good that surrounds me.

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