Fear and Self-loathing in SpringVegas.

THIS is what is sitting in my 'fridge, for my lunch today. Pretty
hot, hey?? Pretty sexy?? Pretty me.. you know, the whole
fresh/local/SOLE/Asian with a twist thing that pg does so well. Yup.
It's perfect, and given that Furry and I are trying to lose weight,
perfect on the fat/lo cal front too.

here's the thing. I can't work out WHY I am hating myself at this
weight so much. The very fact I am experiencing self-loathing for the
very first time, at 44 is weird.

At school, I was the odd girl
out. I was the only one that DIDN'T have an eating disorder. I managed
to avoid the teen age angst of yo-yo diets and Israeli Army lunch
boxes. I ate whatever I pleased and stayed the same size (9st 2oz).

I had my children. And over the course of 5 years, I doubled my weight.
But I had discovered feminism by that stage, and so the weight gain
bothered me on a health level, but certainly NEVER on a physical "I
repulse myself/ I am not attractive/ my husband won't like me" level.

My husband at the time actually DIDN'T like me, but that a whole 'nother post!

gave up the 2 a night wine, and cut out sugar in my coffee and within
months, was at a healthy weight range (AUS size 12), which I maintained
with no effort until the day my daughter started high school. I was
wearing her size 12 jeans that day.

That was years ago. And in
the interim, I've been divorced, re-married, turned 30.. turned 40. I
navigated my daughter through her own minefield of adolescence and
PCOS. And yes, my weight has fluctuated but never once did I experience
anything like the self hatred I am going through at the moment.


feel like I went to bed some time last October (the month I gave up
smoking) and woke up being anally probed by fat-firing alien gamma

No matter what I eat, I continue to put on weight. I can feel myself physically spreading before mein very eyes.

is not just middle-aged spread, or a bit of a muffin-top. This is hard
core McValue Upsize Supersize Mc Muffin Muffin Top (Royale, with Cheese)

can no longer fit into most of my clothes, and went on a week long
crying jag over Summer, when I realised that I simply HAD to buy a pair
of elastic waisted pants.

Come on.. this is me.. PG..
Self-esteem Girl... the one all my friends look up to BECAUSE I REALLY
DON"T CARE about my weight... crying like Tammy Fae Bakker over the
numerals one and eight.

When I wear low waisted jeans I look
like a warfie, or a garbo. And when I wear higher waisted work pants, I
develop this weird double-bulge. Like twee English villages, I have
named them Upper Pork-Gut and Lower Pube Porch.

Anapurna I and
II are currently residing in my hideous new bra, fashioned by ex- Nazi
industrial engineers. I refer to it as the Spandex Monster, and it
makes me feel about as sexy as an outbreak of smallpox.
And the other symptom that I am noticing, is the fatter and more repulsive I get, the more I crave crap.

While the above lo fat dish is sitting in my 'fridge, I am fighting the
urge to slam my face into the tub of leftover Pizza Hut Oven Baked
Creamy Pasta that some pillock has left in the 'fridge.

Seriously, I had this reaction after Furry's heart attack. While he was
lying in the cardiac ward, I had craving after craving for KFC. And
this time, it's the same. The fatter I get, the harder it is to resist
racing out and buying a Chicko Roll.

I will NOT go back to smoking. But any head way I have made,
health-wise, by giving up the fags, has been eaten up by this massive
and continuous and UNEXPLAINED weight gain.

I look like the love child of Jabba the Hut and Demis Roussos.

I'm on Fat Highway, heading North.

And, for the first time ever, I feel like the fat chick at the school dance.

And I am certain that everyone is looking. And sniggering.

I fucking hate it.


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